Body Dismorphia

[ghughes1980]

Well Simon the short answer is you don't. I'm dealing an altered state, self perception and brain chemistry fighting with actual physical issues. It's a very odd combo if I actually sit down and listen to these thoughts. My body tells me X, my mind tells me Y, and my eyes tell me P. I would like to get to a place where they all tell me the same message. In doing so I'd like to maintain a balance rather than this chaotic mishmash. training my mind correctly to not obsess over the things I can't change and be in a better position to change my attitude toward myself as me.

[Jenny Jump]

Do any of you have the body dysmorphia come back with a vengeance when you unearth a new or old issue? Some stuff has come to light for me and all I want now is to be so thin I disappear, but I realize that sentiment is coming from the place of sickness, not wellness. How I feel about my body appearance is just a cover up for what I discussed in therapy. It's so frustrating.

WHEN OH WHEN DOES THIS WORK END?

[ghughes1980]

For me I would say it get much worse but there is always this flow of negative thoughts for me unless I'm seriously zoned into something visual (ie video games) or some sort of unhealthy activity like obsessive collecting. Basically obsessing over something else replaces the obsessing with these body flaws. What I want is to not be obsessed to feel alive. Finding a good therapist to talk to I hope to achieve this. Let's set a goal right here: I want to be a functional adult. Doesn't sound like too big of a goal.

[ghughes1980]

I did something incredibly stupid today. I surfed youtube for videos of the type of procedures that where done to me and found videos posted by a mother with a 4 year old kid in my exact situation. Oh that little boy. He's so sick and it crushed me. Why did I go looking for that? To make me feel better about myself? That can't be right! Am I evil? In my raging idiocy I started composing a message to this lady. As I read it over I sounded like a total asshole in what read to me like bragging that I don't have this symptom or that one blah blah. I came off like a total ass! WTF is wrong with me! Why would I write such a thing? If someone wrote this crap to my mother I'd probably do something violent to them. Why the hell did I think in my arrogance I could tell this lady anything constructive? Did I intentionally sit down to brag how I was not as broken as her son? This makes me so depressed right now and I didn't even send the damn message! Why did I do this? Why did I think it was something she would want to read? WHY? THIS IS REALLY MESSING ME OVER!

[ghughes1980]

12 hours later still kind of anxious that I would even think about compounding someone else's pain to make myself feel better. Am I no better than a bully? It frustrates me that my go to response seemed to be targeting what would obviously be painful to this person rather than compassion and understanding. Still mad at myself but dealing with it a bit better I guess.

[ghughes1980]

Ok seriously WTH happened to me the past 24 friggin hours? I 'm reading my posts I sound seriously crazy on paper! You can all see this manufacturing of a problem and me wallowing in it. You know what? Honestly I didn't really have a bad physical pain day. This anxiety stuff is like crack. Once you get going it's non-stop and everything else melts away. For what? An unwanted spew of thoughts that didn't effect anyone but me and my fucked up mental state. What's next?

I fucking hate the way I think and feel!

[ghughes1980]

This anxiety SUCKS! I can't seem to get away from myself lately. trapped in these negative patterns and thoughts all day no break, my mind is such a bastard!

[Jenny Jump]

Something that really helps me get out of my own head is redirecting my thoughts to how I can be useful to someone else. I don't actually have to be helpful, just redirect my thoughts. I know that can be hard when I'm in the throes of my illness, but I hammer out a mental list of people I know who are struggling and use my imagination as to how I could help them. That tends to make me feel a bit better and I am soon over my body dysmorphia.

[ghughes1980]

good strategy if you actually have people to think about. Increasingly my social anxiety and body image anxiety have isolated me to a select group who really don't need me to help them do anything. If anything they want to help me but don't particularly have the tools to do so. I have I think done the opposite of what is required to help me by cutting off positive friends for fear I'm holding them to my sickness. Therefore intensifying my issues. Before I found Paul's podcast and this community I was completely alone except for my immediate family. Even now I think I'm distancing myself from them further and further each day.