YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I never classified myself as anorexic because I would eat, but I would also starve myself and, when I did, I felt in control and like I was winning a battle against my body. Whenever I was hungry, I would hate my body for being so weak and making me have to take care of it. On top of that, my constant anxiety made me not want to eat and my fear of being sick increased that. So I don't know what you call that, but I was very thin for a while. Sometimes I felt bad for being that way, but mostly it made me feel victorious.

Now, I am mentally and physically healthier than I was at that time, and so I have gained weight. I never weighed much, so saying I'm at the most I've ever weighed may not mean as much, but, it's a lot for me.

Now, I keep thinking of how much easier it was before, and how I had more self control and the "up sides" of anxiety. I'm not tired all the time anymore and I am physically stronger, but my brain still goes to the "well, you could be better, you're just weak."

I can so relate. I even took it a step further and claimed it was fasting to get closer to God. Fun, huh?

What you're describing is most definitely an eating disorder, and I can tell you that denying your body nourishment is not self-control. Moderation is self-control. It's kinda counter-intuitive, since being able to ignore your most basic instinct is so difficult that it really does feel like a victory when you are successful, but that's how it is.

It sounds like it's time for you and your body to do battle against that unhelpful brain of yours. I'm glad that you're doing better and can really commiserate with your struggle -- I'm still staving off disordered eating over a decade after treatment/recovery. Hang in there, hon. You are not alone.

I have a friend who recently underwent treatment for anorexia and I remember having moments where I envied her self control. As Chel said though, it's not really self control. I go the opposite way, eating when I shouldn't, don't need to, or just cause I'm bored and I rant and rail at myself for doing it, for not having the control not to. I can understand why the desire comes about to control SOMETHING, even if it's at the cost of your health. One thing that stuck with my that my friend said was a trigger for her was feeling out of control, because calories, weighing, intake or not intake, those were all things she could directly affect and so would counter whatever life circumstance was beyond control with it.

I encourage you to find someone to speak with about it, whether it be your general practitioner or a counselor. It's not a weakness to accept that you can't control everything, nor should you. It's not a weakness to give your body the things it needs and it's not weakness to ask for help.

hang in there.