YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello everyone! I'm new to this forum and forums in general and still fighting the embarassment of posting at all... so... ok.

I'm a fat chick. Used to weigh a lot more than I do now, but I'm still fat. I can just about buy the largest size in the normie section of clothing stores, and that is still a big success for me. Last week, my therapist told me I have an eating disorder and even though I talk to her about food and body image all the time, the term still caught me completely by surprise. Now I'm trying to just see this as a part of me that I have actually already come to terms with and just need to be extra careful not to allow it to rule my life. Blah blah blah. This is hard to express.

So, I just watched that certain episode of Louie while working out with the weights I asked for and received for my birthday a few days ago - I know, good girl And it was the episode where Vanessa, the fat waitress, asks Louie out on a date until he gives in. And at the end of the episode she gives him this big speech about how guys who look like him never flirt with her because they are afraid that that would lower their periluous status. And she says that if she had just asked him to fuck on a giant can of peaches in the toilet he'd have gone for it, and that any woman can get fucked as long as she's willing.

And I stand there, dumbbell in hand, crying like a baby. Okay, I apparently never was willing, but now I'm working on being more open to the idea of maybe someday being in a relationship (even though the thought is still scary) and now I learn my first time (I'm in my thirties, ahem) will be on a giant can of peaches? With a guy who won't even hold hands with me afterwards? Screw that! So now, I'm sitting here at my computer, still teary eyed, eating "healty" low fat yogurt cake for breakfast... without even looking at the spoonfuls I'm shoveling into my mouth, furious at Louie, myself and the world, until the container is empty. This is ridiculous.

Wow, can I relate to a lot of what you said. I'm not sure what to tell ya other then hang in there...as hard as that may be.

I grew up fat and didn't have a serious relationship until my 20s. I desperately wanted what all my friends had with dates, boyfriends, etc, but I also wasn't willing to settle for just anyone. I had a few friends growing up that were also fat and desperate and pretty much gave it up to anyone who wanted it because to them having someone, no matter how bad of a loser they were, it was better then being alone to them. I watched as many of my friends were used and treated so poorly by others, but they clinged to those crappy relationships because of their desperation. It just wasn't worth it to me no matter how badly I wanted it.

Now in my middle 40's with many years of living with Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety issues, panic attacks, bulimia, depression, OCD, and compulsion issues and having some good and bad therapy to deal with those issues, I am learning to accept my weight and body issues and looking back I am so glad I didn't "settle" just to say I was in a relationship with someone. Don't get me wrong, doesn't mean I had a lot of great men in my life...I gave some losers a chance...but I certainly didn't kid myself about what the relationships were at the time and went into all of them with my eyes open knowing what the motivation was behind those relationships.

Sorry for all the rambling, but when it all comes down to it you are worth waiting for the right one...you don't have to settle for a giant can of peaches. It can be very hard to be alone and feel good with that...but I think it's better to be alone then be in a relationship with anyone just to be able to say you are!!

Thanks for your reply. This whole concept of accepting one's body as it is is so much harder than it sounds. What you wrote did help. I always told myself some version of 'better to be alone than to be with the wrong person for the wrong reasons' but at some point the thought just became 'better to be alone', and now that I'm trying not to think like that any more, I've become hyper-sensitive to clues what my life is 'supposed to be' like. But I guess it's not supposed to be like anything other than what I make of it... hopefully.

Unfortunately I think that most women are still being brought up to feel like their life isn't complete until they find that "prince charming" to come and sweep them off their feet. And if this hasn't happened by the time a woman enters her mid 20's something is wrong with her. There still seems to be a popular idea that if a woman doesn't have a man there must be something wrong with her. And let's be honest here, lonliness is a bitch!! I believe most everyone desires to have someone to share their life with to feel more complete which I believe just reinforces the idea that it's better to be with someone then no one at all. It's a shame that many people feel pressured to fit into this cookie cutter mold. I've said it before several times, but that is one thing I love about being older and having more confidence in who I am and not worry about fitting into the mold. I hope you can enjoy being whoever it is you want to be and I hope it's a wonderful, eventful, enjoyable time!