YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I have always had a fascination with BDSM. I would daydream about being held down and masturbated by girls dressed in bikinis.....when I was four. I would play with myself and orgasm (no, no ejaculate) to these fantasies. These thoughts evolved over time with age and knowledge. So when I look at online porn, which is often, this is what I seek. I never had much luck with it in real life, though. However,within the umbrella of BDSM and femdom, there are women as the tied and helpless subjects and the descriptions all have the words 'bitches, sluts, cunts, whores' in the descriptions which disturbs me. No such derogatory language is used to describe the men. What really and truly disturbs me is in how many sex crimes have serial killers or rapists tied up their victims and filmed the incrompehensible acts of unspeakable violence that mimic what are on BDSM porn sites?

I'm not an advocate of censorship, I'm all in favor of consensual whatever sex between adults, but my predileciton for rope, chain, collars etc. gives me the creeps, in that I can't help it, and I'm afraid viewing such behavior may lead to further objcectification, disrespect and worse.

lance,

That's awfully young to have such fantasies. You don't know me an I don't know you but it sort of makes me think that someone exposed you to something you shouldn't have seen/experienced ect at an age when your mind could not process or understand anything but the physical aspect of it??? Just guessing here.

If that's so than it is not abnormal for those feelings to have evolved and grown as your mind and understanding did and it is not strange that you seem to struggle with guilt over these fantasies.
You say you dreamed about being held down by females, not that you were holding them down.

Just some things to think about.

Don't beat yourself up or judge yourself. Instead see yourself with compassion as you might see someone else who came to you with the same issue.

I've inquired about possible abuse but don't have any evidence. As far as my age, when I was in kindergarten I talked one girl into standing behind me and holding my arms and another girl into sticking her hand down my pants to touch my erection. As far as I know I've just always been like that, a dirty old man's brain regardless of my age in years. My brother is a bit of a pervert, too, so it might be familial but because of the subject matter (SEX!) it just gets ignored or kept to one's self instead of being talked about.

hmmm... now I'm intrigued. Have you ever had your hormone levels checked? Could be an over active sex-drive? Perhaps coupled with early experiences that were arousing but innocent?

I would still naturally suspect abuse of some kind, but perhaps that is unfair, biased by our own history. Especially since your brother experiences the same thoughts and such. You might be amazed at what the human brain can bury and "forget". But personally we all are hoping for you that it is a hormone thing or something like that.

Best of luck though regardless. We are no stranger to sexual thoughts that are disturbing to down right unthinkable, you are def. not alone there.

Don't be too hard on yourself. After all it is not what we think about but what we choose to do with it that makes us who we are

To someone who identifys as a bit kinky, it dosn't seem that icky or abnormal to me.
Some people in the kink community think of 'kinky' as like a sexual orientation so it'll manifest as early as fancing boys or girls dose for some people, before the kinky person really knows what their thoughts/desires mean.
Its also worth considering that in sub/dom relationships it is the submissive partner who really has all the power- with a single use of their safe word they can finish the encounter immediately. So instead of being abused those women you see in porn versions of BDSM relationships are allowing the encounter to happen, on their own terms. (assuming you're not watching something illegal or cooercive which i doubt) even if rape is being simulated thats what it is- a simulation, a fantasy controlled by the person pretending to be a victim.
I would really reccomend you listen to a few episodes of 'savage love' (its a sex advice podcast hosted by dan savage) look back in the archives for episodes that deal with BDSM.
If you're on these boards I'm sure your childhood wasn't perfect but these proclivities are not nessicerally a symtom of abuse. There are lots of very loving sweet kind dom men who respect their partners and have never been sexually abused.

I do wonder if some of us are born kinky, either dominant or submissive, maybe switchable, too. I was seven when the original Planet of the Apes came out, and immediately substituted women for the apes, and men for the humans. My fantasies for a long while revolved around being hunted, captured and kept in bondage by powerful women. I've just always been that way, and there isn't a shred of evidence I was sexually abused. Physically abused, yes. But never anything sexual. In kindergarten I talked one girl into holding my arms behind me while her friend stuck her hand down my pants to touch me. Maybe I'm just wired that way.

Lance,
I don't think it's icky at all. I think it's human and interesting and something that with the right partner could probably be explored in a way that is shame free.

Show me a sexual fantasy that doesn't have some shame involved and I'll show you someone who isn't trying hard enough!

Paul

Yeah, I suppose that's true. Regarding sex we live in the United States of Guilt. Stupid puritans.

Being restrained or tied up in actuality or fantasy doesn't always have to have a intrinsically submissive nature either. In a way it can be about being able to enjoy what's going on with intimate contact because there's no pressure to do anything or reciprocate, also there's the guilt free aspect like "Oh I might as well enjoy this because I am at the mercy of my partner(s)."