Violent Thoughts

[kitkat]

I'm not sure if I'm in the right topic, but, ok. I've been thinking about this a lot recently, even though I've had violent thoughts since as far back as I can remember. I remember making my dolls and stuffed animals hurt each other as a child. When I was a child, I remember imagining stretching people's skin and forcing bees to attack them. And, before it comes up, I was never physically or sexually abused, so I don't know where these thoughts originally came from. All I know is that they make my heart race and my breathing quicken, while also being somewhat therapeutic and calming where I have to lay down if I think on them too much at once. It's the sort of daydreams that put me to sleep at night. And while my sexual kinks are maybe on the somewhat passionate side of things, violence isn't a sexual thing to me. It doesn't turn me on, so much as excite me in the "normal" way. I don't know if that makes things worse. Just the thought of these things make my heart swell, like a sort of drug. I have mentioned on the forums before about how I like to watch tv shows, or read books that have a lot of angst and whatnot, but I was always too ashamed to really explain it like this. Sometimes, I will seek out shows or books that make me feel all these intense emotions, where people are being hurt, or where they are losing their minds, and then I will consume too much of it and feel ill and like I just want to curl in to a ball and cry, but in a good way, if that makes sense. Maybe like I want to feel bad, I don't know.

I would never in my life hurt anyone or anything, I won't kill bugs, and I would only every harm myself. But these thoughts make me feel like there is a horrible person inside of me. I don't know. I have people tell me that I am a kind person, but I can never take it to heart because I think, "I'm not really, just on the outside." I think, if people knew what I thought, they would think I'm sick. I don't know. I've never talked about this before and, even though this is mostly anonymous, I feel like I need to be honest somehow, and I feel like I want to delete this whole thing, and I'm worried that people will say that I'm sick as much as I worry people will say I am normal and an idiot for thinking I am special enough to be that interesting. I don't know. I'm sorry for spewing nonsense. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense and I feel like I'm not explaining myself properly, but, I think if I went back and re-read what I wrote, I would definitely delete it, so I'm just typing this off like a bandaid.

I wish there were brain scans to show what was wrong with me. I sometimes wish something terrible had happened to me to explain why my brain is this way. I don't believe in heaven or hell, but I wonder if I would be damned for the things I've thought, instead of let in to heaven for the things I didn't do. Does it matter what I think if I am not a physically bad person? I don't know. Typing all this has made me tired. It probably doesn't even seem like a big deal. I am just sensitive.

[manuel_moe_g]

Very brave to write this, kitkat. Reading all your posts, I can tell you are a good person.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Kitkat,

I relate to the reaction in my body from certain thoughts, or sometimes certain conversations, usually with women that have a quality I wish my mom had (compassionate, non-judgmental, affectionate). Especially when I recount my childhood sexual traumas. And then I feel shame for feeling that rush. But my heart does the exact thing you describe. It swells and starts to beat faster. And afterwards I can feel kind of drained after I "come down"

I think it's just some wires in our brains where certain images or feelings got meshed with something from our past that made a strong emotional imprint, but I don't take it personally and I don't think you should either. I should say I'm TRYING to not take mine personally. I still struggle a bit, because in my head I think "What kind of a sicko gets a charge out of recounting his abuse?" But I don't think it's about the abuse, like with you I don't think it's about the skin stretching, I think it's about re-living some event that we might not even remember or if we remember it we're not in touch with the feelings buried regarding that event or events.

In a nutshell, cut yourself some slack. You're not hurting anyone. I try to sometimes look at my brain like an entertaining carnival and marvel at what it comes up with.

Paul

[kitkat]

Thanks guy

I didn't feel very brave posting that, and I had to stop myself from deleting it after I posted it, but I'm glad I left it because your replies make me very happy. I really do want to be a good person, and even though my brain is going, "these people don't know you, they don't know how awful you are," your words make me smile in spite of it.

And Paul, it's such a relief to know someone else gets those feelings. I guess there are enough people in the world that I can't be the only one, but that's what I thought, haha. I've spent a lot of time wondering where they come from and why and what happened to make me this way, but, maybe my brain is just a weird carnival that like to through synapses and emotions around for the hell of it. It wouldn't be the first time it's done things that make no logical sense. Like, who needs their fight or flight mode activated during a dinner at a nice restaurant? Come on, brain.

I guess it's just my brain's way of working through things or getting out feelings that I wouldn't get out any other way. I avoid confrontation and I don't yell at people, so maybe those feelings are being let out a different way?

I'll try to keep it in mind whenever I start feeling shame about it. Thanks