YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I grew up with unquestioned racism. It was just part of life, that was the way people were. It wasn't on the surface all the time, but it was there, especially in regards to those awful, horrible racist jokes in regards to black people. It wasn't until college and graduate school that I realized just how deeply it was ingrained in me and how terrible it all was. I have made a conscious decision to hunt down and eliminate the ingrained racism in my worldview.

Now, I work in an area where I deal with a LOT of black people, and my internal racist LOVES to pop up whenever I have a negative interaction with a black person, especially when it's someone who appears to fit the old, ingrained stereotypes. The internal racist pops up in my head and drops THAT word. Not out loud, just in my head. I have to tell myself that I know NOTHING about that person, I don't know what their life is like. I never say anything out loud, it's all in my head, but I HATE my internal racist, and I'm afraid that I'm non-verbally showing my internal racist. I mull over interactions I've had with people and wonder if my internal racist somehow came across. Sometimes I worry that I try too hard to NOT let my internal racist show that I come across weird.

Guybrarian,

Much respect to you for being aware of your upbringing and wanting to transcend it. Even as a minority myself, my parents could also be quite racist in private, and while I'm lucky to have had the chance to meet and connect with many people of the races my parents would speak disparagingly of, my geography does not allow me much direct experience with certain groups, and I too live in perpetual fear that one day I'll just totally mess it up and make a horrible, horrible fool of myself.

Your description of your "internal racist" is interesting to me. The general philosophy I subscribe to is that change has everything to do with how you talk to yourself about something. By hating your internal racist, you are separating yourself from a part of yourself and determining that it is to be shunned, despised, etc., and that probably makes you feel worse when the thoughts arise again. If you are anything like me, there may be an element of perfectionism involved, i.e. if I were really a good person I wouldn't have any of these thoughts. Self-recrimination and shame have proven (at least for myself) to be very poor motivators of meaningful, lasting change.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider a different approach: to accept the thoughts as something that appears and it outside your direct control, like the weather; that the thoughts will pass if you can "witness" them and acknowledge them without going into a place of judgment; and re-affirm to yourself that you don't wish to act upon it or have it affect your interactions. Why not judge yourself for the thoughts? Because it keeps you from staying in the moment in your interactions, and taking the actions that might help you form new thoughts and habits.

If none of this makes sense, forgive me, it's been a long-ish day. I'm mostly writing about a mindfulness approach. Perhaps reading more into this would be helpful to you.

Best,

SC

One thing to keep in mind is that it's kind of human nature to forget the 20 positive or even neutral interactions with people and let the one negative interaction really ruin an entire day, it's that one bad interaction that we remember. If skin color or nationality or gender weren't an issue, we'd probably start judging people based on shirt color or shoe size or some other completely arbitrary measure and be like "Oh I shouldn't have known the guy in the green shirt was going to be a problem, freakin' green shirts are always jerks."

Don't get me wrong, what you're doing is awesome-- but you don't need to feel weird or awful about having to do it. No one can read your mind.