YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I just posted about needing a hug in another thread, but I realized I was going on and on about my unwanted thoughts. So I thought I'd share them here. I'd like to know if someone else suffers from this particular form.

I call it the Demon, or the Monster in my Head. When I am in a serious relationship, the monster will pop up and start telling me "you are not attractive, you are not desirable, you are not sexually satisfying to your partner, she's had better, and the minute she meets someone better she will dump your ass." This will not be based in reality, because the person is obviously in love with me and not doing anything of the kind. Then it moves on to "she is having a secret relationship with someone right now, because you are not attractive or desirable." When it gets really bad, it then moves on to the worst thing of all, it conjures up graphic mental images of her having sex with someone else. It really likes to conjure up all the crazy shit folks do when they're young and in college and doing all the wild shit they do in those years. I never did any of that stuff, because I was too busy being consumed by anxiety all the time to have any youthful wild sexual adventures. And my partner could tell me a million times that that stuff is nothing like the kind of meaningful sex they have with me because they love me. But the monster will tell me they're lying.

And this will play over and over in my head without stopping, like an endless video loop. It can go on for weeks. One time when I was still with my ex-wife, it was so persistent and so distressing that I considered suicide to stop it. I realized that was a seriously bad idea, and checked myself in to a psych ward. Unfortunately, the monster got some reinforcement when my ex-wife demanded an open relationship because she couldn't do monogamy and then eventually did end up having a secret relationship with someone. I now know that this was because she was having a severe manic episode at the time, but it still reinforced the monster.

After the divorce, I kept the monster at bay by not ever actually letting anyone in close enough to me to bring it out. This monster has popped up again, and it is threatening a relationship that I really, really want to work. I am going to therapy to find a way to control it. Maybe it will require meds changes as well. I know I will probably never be able to kill it. But I am committed to putting it into a cage.

Take care, guybrarian. You deserve peace. We here are wishing you the best, and wishing you the greatest today and tomorrow.

I understand your feelings. I call those thoughts food for my demons. My demons are the suicidal ideations I struggle with constantly. Your thought about never being able to kill and and hopefully learning to put it in its cage is something I share aswell. I have accepted that it will never go away, and I have started to learn to put my demon in the corner. When I have it under control it just feels like a cobweb over my thoughts, unpleasant but I've learned to push it aside. It is a tough struggle, and I have no advice for you with how to cope beacuse I have found no one else's advice has ever worked for me. It is a journey you will have to go on to find what works for you. Just know - you ARE not alone. Best of luck, we all deserve love.

Hey Man,

I hope that the therapy you get helps. I know medication also helped a lot for my self-hatred thoughts. Try CBT or DBT. It can help you change your thoughts so you can combat them when they get really bad. Keep us updated !

sorry you have to deal with that. I have a lot of intrusive shitty thoughts too, so I empathize.

I have an idea! I'm no expert, but maybe try writing these thoughts down and spurring them into some sort of narrative? That way, if the story plays out on paper, maybe it won't play out in your head.