I feel guilty just posting this.

[Joseph Kerr]

I know a lot of people have had serious abuse and this seems tiny by comparison, but it has fucked me up.

I'm just going to copy a lot of what I wrote in an email to Paul because it's easier than retyping it all.

"This happened last year. A woman I worked with called me after I hadn't seen her in a couple years. She was in town and needed a friend and maybe a place to stay for the night. She was one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and I always liked her as a person. She confided in me that she had PTSD because of her then boyfriend. Her life was a mess and not just because of the boyfriend. All I wanted was to give her a supportive ear and a place to sleep before she left town. We went to my sister's place to hang out and she had a drink (as it turns out she had more than one). I'm not much of a drinker so I was sober and drove us back to my place. I grabbed some drinks on the way home because she asked and she really didn't seem drunk at all. We got back to my place and talked and drank. She asked me to dance. I assumed it was innocent because she is physically out of my league so she couldn't have been into me.
What I hadn't considered was that she was around 100lbs and every drink hit her more than it did me. As the night progressed she began making advances. I just ignored them and moved on. Before long she was exposing herself to me. She insisted I touch her.
I still didn't know how drunk she was because I was pretty buzzed myself. She was someone I had fantasized about and I really wanted touch her and sleep with her. But I didn't feel right. I sobered up pretty quickly and realized just how drunk she was. She kept throwing herself at me and flat out told me to have sex with her.
I'm not a tiny person and I had about 200lbs on her. And her boyfriend had abused her, so physically stopping her was out of the question. With every fiber of my being I wanted her; so I just couldn't bring myself say stop. I managed to tell her I wouldn't have sex with her.
I knew sleeping with me would be something she would regret and it would have been me raping her because she wasn't able to consent. Eventually she fell asleep. I carried her to my room and tucked her into my bed. Then I went to sleep on the couch. I couldn't get it out of my head. I felt sick. It felt like my body and desires had betrayed my morals.

I'm ok with it now, but I can't talk to many people about it because most people (men and women) tell me I should have slept with her. Nobody seems to understand that I just wanted her to stop because it was so difficult to not succumb to my physical urges. The guilt of knowing I wanted to rape her is something that hangs over me, but now I know by not taking advantage I am a real man. And though it took a while I finally came to terms with the idea that by not doing it I remained the victim instead of making her one too."

I said I'm okay with it in the email. And I am ok with the fact that I had the urge. What I didn't say is that I haven't been able to have sex since because I am so worried that I would somehow be forcing someone into it (not by physical force, but by coercion or simply because someone would be afraid to say no due to my size).

[Joseph Kerr]

Shit. I probably should have posted this in the sexuality thread. Sorry! I hadn't noticed it until just now.