Reached out to a support group, but now I'm too nervous

[ovoce]

Hey all,

I've always had issues with depression, but when I was sexually violated 3-ish years ago, I think it got much worse. For other reasons too, but I don't think I can keep denying that it's had an effect on me. After that event, I started cutting, feeling tired constantly, trying harder drugs than pot, and eventually had to get on prozac (which I then got off when my student insurance was gone and recently got back on). I was seeing a therapist once a week at the time but I never, ever brought up the experience. Since it wasn't cut and dry "stranger jumped out of the shadows and I said no but they pointed a gun at me" rape it's just hard for me to not make excuses. I don't even like calling it rape. I was studying abroad and sleeping with this guy I met online who lived a couple hours away by train. He took me to the other side of the country for a weekend and while we were staying in a hotel we had sex and part way through he pushed me down and anally penetrated me without any sort of warning or preparation. I cried but didn't say no or fight or anything, I was just kind of in shock. Afterwards I showered and he came in the shower and kissed me and said thanks and went to bed. I saw him a couple more time after that, I guess just trying to pretend it wasn't a big deal but I felt myself disgusted by him and eventually snuck out one morning and blocked him on the messenger we used to communicate and tried to move on. The other day I remembered that messenger and redownloaded it on my phone (thinking I could reconnect with my Korean friends) and saw he had made alternate accounts to try and contact me. Fortunately it had been so long that the messages themselves wouldn't load.

I don't know, it's not that big of a deal really, but I can't help but feel like it weighs on me. There have been times I've started crying during sex with my husband and I just have trouble feeling powerless. I haven't seen a therapist in almost 2 years since graduating college. I've been trying my ass off to find one here but to no avail. I don't even know if I could be honest with them anyways. I've never lied to a therapist, but I've always withheld things (some, like suicide attempts and plans for fear of hospitalization, and others, like this experience, just out of fear). So I found a support group through RAINN in my area, and I emailed them, and one of the coordinators wants to me to see if the group is "right for me". I haven't messaged back and I don't think I will. I don't think I could sit in a room with people who were like repeatedly molested as kids or something and just say "yeah lol I was raped one time by a guy I was already fucking" without feeling even worse. I just feel like I'm being overdramatic.

[oak]

Ovoce, I am sorry you suffered a trauma. Words can hardly express one's sorrow at hearing such news, but they'll have to suffice for this medium.

While I am very sorry you have suffered so, I am glad you are using your words. You accomplished alot by posting here and reaching out to the support group. Those are real achievements. Well done.

Gosh, I wish I had something profound or at least non-trite to say.

Maybe it is enough, plenty even!, for today, to have posted here and to reach out to Rain.

Hang in there

[ovoce]

Oak, you are always so kind. Thank you for your words!

[Dragonfly]

Ovoce,
From what you described, you were most definitely violated. Many, many survivors (myself included) know and may even be in a sexual relationship with their abusers. Anytime a partner does something that hurts/scares/violates the other partner, it can be sexual abuse or rape. For example, if a man and a woman agree to have sex that involves inflicting or receiving pain, they establish a safe word to use in the event that one might not like something, feel scared, etc. If the partner continues on after the other partner has said the safe word, that's abuse.
Obviously, you need to do what you feel safe doing, but if the reason you are avoiding the support group is because you fear your experience is somehow "less than" others......please reconsider. It doesn't matter what the others' experiences are....they don't take anything away from the abuse you experienced!
Support groups can really be helpful. I'm sure you have already heard that from Paul on his podcasts!
Gentle hugs to you..