Reached out to a support group, but now I'm too nervous
Posted: March 1st, 2016, 5:31 pm
Hey all,
I've always had issues with depression, but when I was sexually violated 3-ish years ago, I think it got much worse. For other reasons too, but I don't think I can keep denying that it's had an effect on me. After that event, I started cutting, feeling tired constantly, trying harder drugs than pot, and eventually had to get on prozac (which I then got off when my student insurance was gone and recently got back on). I was seeing a therapist once a week at the time but I never, ever brought up the experience. Since it wasn't cut and dry "stranger jumped out of the shadows and I said no but they pointed a gun at me" rape it's just hard for me to not make excuses. I don't even like calling it rape. I was studying abroad and sleeping with this guy I met online who lived a couple hours away by train. He took me to the other side of the country for a weekend and while we were staying in a hotel we had sex and part way through he pushed me down and anally penetrated me without any sort of warning or preparation. I cried but didn't say no or fight or anything, I was just kind of in shock. Afterwards I showered and he came in the shower and kissed me and said thanks and went to bed. I saw him a couple more time after that, I guess just trying to pretend it wasn't a big deal but I felt myself disgusted by him and eventually snuck out one morning and blocked him on the messenger we used to communicate and tried to move on. The other day I remembered that messenger and redownloaded it on my phone (thinking I could reconnect with my Korean friends) and saw he had made alternate accounts to try and contact me. Fortunately it had been so long that the messages themselves wouldn't load.
I don't know, it's not that big of a deal really, but I can't help but feel like it weighs on me. There have been times I've started crying during sex with my husband and I just have trouble feeling powerless. I haven't seen a therapist in almost 2 years since graduating college. I've been trying my ass off to find one here but to no avail. I don't even know if I could be honest with them anyways. I've never lied to a therapist, but I've always withheld things (some, like suicide attempts and plans for fear of hospitalization, and others, like this experience, just out of fear). So I found a support group through RAINN in my area, and I emailed them, and one of the coordinators wants to me to see if the group is "right for me". I haven't messaged back and I don't think I will. I don't think I could sit in a room with people who were like repeatedly molested as kids or something and just say "yeah lol I was raped one time by a guy I was already fucking" without feeling even worse. I just feel like I'm being overdramatic.
I've always had issues with depression, but when I was sexually violated 3-ish years ago, I think it got much worse. For other reasons too, but I don't think I can keep denying that it's had an effect on me. After that event, I started cutting, feeling tired constantly, trying harder drugs than pot, and eventually had to get on prozac (which I then got off when my student insurance was gone and recently got back on). I was seeing a therapist once a week at the time but I never, ever brought up the experience. Since it wasn't cut and dry "stranger jumped out of the shadows and I said no but they pointed a gun at me" rape it's just hard for me to not make excuses. I don't even like calling it rape. I was studying abroad and sleeping with this guy I met online who lived a couple hours away by train. He took me to the other side of the country for a weekend and while we were staying in a hotel we had sex and part way through he pushed me down and anally penetrated me without any sort of warning or preparation. I cried but didn't say no or fight or anything, I was just kind of in shock. Afterwards I showered and he came in the shower and kissed me and said thanks and went to bed. I saw him a couple more time after that, I guess just trying to pretend it wasn't a big deal but I felt myself disgusted by him and eventually snuck out one morning and blocked him on the messenger we used to communicate and tried to move on. The other day I remembered that messenger and redownloaded it on my phone (thinking I could reconnect with my Korean friends) and saw he had made alternate accounts to try and contact me. Fortunately it had been so long that the messages themselves wouldn't load.
I don't know, it's not that big of a deal really, but I can't help but feel like it weighs on me. There have been times I've started crying during sex with my husband and I just have trouble feeling powerless. I haven't seen a therapist in almost 2 years since graduating college. I've been trying my ass off to find one here but to no avail. I don't even know if I could be honest with them anyways. I've never lied to a therapist, but I've always withheld things (some, like suicide attempts and plans for fear of hospitalization, and others, like this experience, just out of fear). So I found a support group through RAINN in my area, and I emailed them, and one of the coordinators wants to me to see if the group is "right for me". I haven't messaged back and I don't think I will. I don't think I could sit in a room with people who were like repeatedly molested as kids or something and just say "yeah lol I was raped one time by a guy I was already fucking" without feeling even worse. I just feel like I'm being overdramatic.
