Not sure if my husband raped me

[MyBrainHatesMe]

This was more than 6 months ago and because I have anxiety related memory issues I don't completely remember what happened.
For a while before the incident I had been having issues with oversensitivity during sex and it was really difficult to orgasm because of it. Since sex slowly stopped being fun and started being something that caused distress I ended up starting to just lay back and let him use me, and when that started making me feel empty I stopped having sex almost all together, only giving up and "taking it" when I had to to keep him passified.
My husband got into the habit of asking me multiple times a day every day if I would let him fuck me, and because it was so emotionally painful for me I tried to find reasons to not do it.
One night, after around a month of me not letting him use me, he got really angry and told me I was selfish and a horrible person for not enjoying sex with him and not letting him fuck me. I don't really remember everything that was said, but I do remember that it ended with me sobbing while he was on top of me fucking me.

I feel like I deserved it. I'm not sure if it was actually rape because I'm pretty sure I told him to "just fuck me and get it over with" while crying and he obliged. Is that consent? We still don't have sex often and he stopped badgering me every night for it. I told him I thought he raped me while in a huge almost-marriage-ending fight, and he told me it never happened.

[fifthsonata]

You even questioning it makes it rape.

There should be no questioning of whether or not it is consensual.

It's disturbing that he pressures you so much for sex when you're really struggling with it. I'd really encourage you see a counselor on this topic.

[Bioluminescence]

Coercion comes in many forms. It can be physical, psychological, or emotional. What you've described is not consent. It's coercion. It's abuse. It's rape.

If a friend said this happened to them, would you tell them it doesn't count? I doubt it. But abusers make us doubt our own reality. That's where so much of their power comes from. He's mad because he can't access your body whenever he wants? That's incredibly selfish and entitled of him. Your body is your own. You don't owe anyone access to it. You're not bad for asserting boundaries or trying to get it other with.

Him saying it didn't happen doesn't change the reality that it did. And he's to blame. And he'll try to weasel out of taking responsibility, but it still is and will always be his fault. He could've stopped and chose not to. That says more about him and his view of your marriage than anything he says or does after the fact. Because when the chips were down, when it really mattered, he failed you as a spouse, a friend, and a human being.

The most important thing is that you're safe and you seek help. Because you're not alone and you deserve support and understanding.

[nightcitysong]

Hi, MyBrainHatesMe.

First of all... I am so sorry. You have been through something horrific and I want to congratulate you for asking for help.

This is 100%, black and white, without question rape. I cannot believe how heartless, abusive and selfish your husband is. No means no. Your feelings, your energy, your body language, your repeated attempts at explaining you don't feel up for it... He doesn't care. He is raping you emotionally and physically. As someone who has experienced this, it is horrifying and traumatic. Please talk to a friend for a professional about this and know you DO NOT OWE ANYONE sex, your body, or ANYTHING. Your emotions, your feelings, your soul... is real. Please find a safe space away from this fucking rapist.

Sending hugs and love. So, so sorry.