YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I recently was thinking about my first sexual experience that occurred about 10 years ago. After listening to the recent podcast Reclaiming Desire After Sexual Assault with Julie Peters I had a strange moment where I realized that ....the way it happened really really wasn't okay.
When I met my future ex husband, I was very innocent. I hadn't even had an orgasm ( I was 20 at the time). He was ...more experienced than he really admitted to me. I also grew up in a pretty religious family and had decided that I wanted to wait to have sex until after we were married. I communicated this to him pretty early on in the relationship and he seemed pretty okay with it. In a "you are responsible for stopping me" kind of way (the joy of 20/20).
While we were engaged, but not yet married....things got pretty intense.
I began to feel guilt for being a tease and denying him. One night, we were fooling around and right as I was going to stop it, suddenly, he was inside me.
I froze, panicked, stiffened up. My memories of this are a bit hazy, I have tried to bury this memory for a decade. I believe I pushed on him, but not hard. I believe I softly said something like 'wait' or 'dont'.
He sped up.
I remember pain and fear. I realized that he was not going to stop. I had 2 options-try to stop it, possibly fail and get hurt physically and/or emotionally, and piss him of; or...or I could go along with it. Even though I did not want this. I DID NOT want that, holy crap, writing that out is powerful.
I did not want that, i did not want that to happen that way. I was not okay with that...
I went along with it. I was naive, I was scared, and I didnt feel like I had a good option. I remember feeling pain, fear and shame for my first time.
From what I remember, it was pretty quick and I honestly dont think he even stayed to cuddle. I dont remember much after that. I remember being upset but I never actually talked to him about it.
I married him and we divorced 3 years later after I found out he had cheated on me.
I fully believe he knew what he was doing. He was very much a "its easier to ask forgiveness than permission type of person". and a couple years after the above he made a comment somewhere along the lines of "No just means try harder later."
I never felt like I was enough for him in bed and honestly, looking back on this now is really weird. I just buried this for a decade and only a few days ago started to really question what to even call this. I was tempered by this, I think my entire sexual experience was tempered by this. There were many times, I didnt even enjoy sex, i just wanted it to be over and i just....I just want someone to read this and tell me that shouldnt have happened and ...and I dont know.
I dont know how to process this, I have NEVER talked about this and when I thought about it until now I just considered it a bad experience. Most girls dont like their first time right?
Now I've spent 3 days thinking about it and i just feel...lost.

Hello BrokenGirl,

Not sure why you've chosen that screen name, you seem like a sensitive and introspective person.

I hesitate to be the first to comment, but it seems to me that your husband was pretty inconsiderate at the very least. If passions took over, at least there should have been some kind of discussion afterwards, right?

And the fact that he cheated on you is horrible. I wonder what his motivation for marriage was.... Seems like self gratification was his primary concern.

You feel lost, but it seems to me that your thinking about this and clarifying it by writing/posting is a great step toward regaining your balance moving forward!

Wishing you peace.

Snoring Dog

Hello again BG,

Sorry if I was a bit abrupt in my post.... I didn't say Hello and Welcome!

Hope you are well today.

Regards

SD

What happened to you was not right. I'm sorry that you had to experience that and that it has traumatized sex for you.
I think he knew what he was doing. That he knew that you wouldn't/couldn't stop him and that as you say the worst that would probably happen would be that he would have to apologize if you got mad. Many guys don't care about their partners feelings and others just believe that sex is great and how could you not enjoy it.
Anyway, Sorry this happened to you.

Hi BG,
This should not have happened to you and I'm so sorry it did. Big hug from me if you'd like it. A loving partner would not put their needs ahead of your comfort and pleasure. You've got me thinking, maybe "the first time is bad for girls" comes from so many experiences of being forced or coerced as a first time. I'm still wading through all the social and sexual experiences that were considered normal and I now realize are not okay. You have many sisters going through the same thing, if that helps. I've also had a way too recent experience of deciding to have sex with someone rather than say no and risk being forced. I sold a bit of my soul to not have that experience.

If you have the means seeing a trauma counselor would help. If that's not something you want at this time, be kind to yourself and let yourself be sad and mad and whatever else comes.
Heather