YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So I've been thinking about this for the past few days, and then this new subforum popped up. I don't believe in divine providence, but it's kind of uncanny.

I'm a crime writer by profession, and for the past few months I've been closely monitoring two local child molestation cases. I've never experienced sexual abuse (emotional abuse is another story -- and one for another time), and although I've had some close friends who have, this is by far the closest I've ever gotten to the horrible nitty-gritty details of such things. I'm seeing everything from behind a thick barrier of detached professionalism, but I suspect some elements are still going to haunt me for a while.

Something to get out of the way right off the bat: Nothing of what you are about to read should be interpreted as advocating leniency for child molesters. That's absolutely not the position I'm taking. These people are extremely dangerous and cause massive amounts of permanent damage to people's lives. They must be held accountable, and society must be protected from them. The maximum penalty in my current state of residence is life in prison, and I think that's quite appropriate.

That said, I kind of feel a wierd kind of sympathy for them. Because, how much of our own sexuality is under our control? I, for example, happen to be heterosexual, but I didn't choose to be. Sometimes I find myself wishing I were bisexual or even gay -- it would open up opportunities not currently available to me, and since I have no moral objections to non-heteronormative sexual orientations, bisexuality just seems rational. But the simple fact is, I'm not wired that way. I'm sexually attracted to chicks, not dudes, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Let's keep using me as an example. I'm only interested in having sex with consenting adult women, and it just so happens society is completely okay with that. It's not only legal, but Western culture aggressively encourages it in many ways. But what if that changed? What if tomorrow, a new law was passed that it's now illegal for men to have sex with consenting adult women, and it's punishable by up to life in prison? Could I stop myself? I'm actually not sure I could. Even if I knew the potential consequences, in the presence of a willing, attractive woman, I think I would probably cave. My sex drive is a powerful behavioral force in my life. I might be able to suppress it for a while, but not forever.

Which leads to the question: Is the same true of people who are hardwired (perhaps, like me, through no choice of their own) to be sexually attracted to children? And if so, don't they deserve sympathy? Not leniency. I'm not denying or downplaying the threat these people pose to society, and for the very reasons I've already mentioned, perhaps the only way to protect society from them is to completely isolate them. But some kind of sympathy, maybe?

I realize it's not a perfect analogy. The "me" example has the concept of consent built right into it, and consent doesn't apply when we're talking about children. But I think I've fairly illustrated my point: For most of us, our prefered sexual activities are permitted or even encouraged by society as a whole, so we never have to face the challenge of suppressing it altogether. But for those whose sexual preferences are forbidden and openly scorned (rightfully so, I might add -- I'm kind of paranoid that someone is going to think I'm excusing or justifying child molesters, and I'm totally not), it must be horrendously painful to try to get through life.

I've heard the same thing as well. I've often thought about sexual orientation in general and its etiology. I have heard a lot of the arguments in terms of nature vs. nurture (I honestly believe it's an interplay between the both). But I am beginning to think the same away with sexual offenders of children. My father was close friends with a person who was arrested by the ICE because he had hard drives full of child pornography saved on them. For about a decade, he had no idea. There were no warning signs except he was single and never verbalized an attraction to women or men. Anyway, I believe that there is some genetic component toward being sexually attracted to children. And like you, I completely, wholeheartedly do not codone sexually intimate relationships with children. So I do feel sort of sad because these people are attracted to this population. Nothing good can come out of it. Children get hurt and very confused. But then there are the people who do not get to engage in their sexual orientation. While I am leaning very strongly to the side of not engaging in these relationships, I still also feel sad that these people are attracted to a community they cannot have. LIke you, it is an extremely hard line to validate both sides.

Your cautious approach to a perfectly rational examination of this topic really underlines one of the major stumbling blocks to seriously approaching and understanding mental illness as a society: cultural norms dictating that we should not be able to empathize or sympathize with somebody we also recognize as "bad" or "evil." Talk-show knee-jerk mentality has convinced most people that empathizing with a criminal is the same thing as condoning their behavior, effectively preventing any meaningful discussions about the cause or prevention of some of the heinous crimes that occur. The Columbine Massacre resulted in weeks and months of reporters standing in front of makeshift shrines asking "Why?", yet the minute you tried to examine how the shooters being bullied and ostracized by the students and teachers alike might have contributed to what happened, you were shut down as being an apologist for killers. We love sympathetic killers like Dexter in our entertainment, but are unwilling to look at real-life criminals as anything other than one-dimensional monsters. There is no reason why you should have to repeatedly apologize or rationalize for merely speaking about a human being as if they were human, and the fact that the intelligent discussion are the ones that have to fear "misunderstandings" shows what an uphill climb it truly is these days.

I don't know if I will ever have true sympathy for my abuser. What he did to me shitstained my life and it's been a struggle to try to recover from it. I know he was probably abused too, and that is sad. I just don't know if I'll ever be at a place where I can go beyond forgiving him for it. And getting to a place of forgiveness was really, really hard. When I say forgive, I don't mean okaying what he did, I mean not letting it own me anymore.

I have sympathy for the molesters that were abused. I have sympathy for the one that struggle with those sexual desires but does not enact upon them. I don't think they can ever be cured and I don't think once caught they should be freed. I do think we need to study pedophiliacs and study it as a disease. I think we need to offer psychiatric help to those that are attracted to children. I was abused from the time I was two on up to 15. I love little children and can't figure out what could ever make a child sexually attractive. I am disturbed by men who shave every inch of body hair off. I think it would really mess with my mind that I wasn't having sex with a full grown man with
No hair. I would think that fad would appeal to sex offenders since they likke virtually sexless children. I would love to psychoanolyze what goes through ones mind when they have desires to be with children. Is it what I feel when I see a kind decent man or is it something different. Kind of like can't have but gotta get got to have. I've read that for rapists its more about control and power than it is about the actual sex. Is that the same for child molesters? You make good points about supressing our sexual desires. If that's the case ddo we need to teach right from sexual attractions. I am almost certain all molestors know its wrong everyone that I was abused by knew it was wrong and I was told to lie to not tell and threatened and bullied and sometimes bribed. Any stories of abbuse you hear about its always the same the act then swear to secretcy then threats or bullied into silence. I think some are afraid to get help because of the horrid stigma that goes wiith those thoughts. I rather they get help be embarrassed than to go on to abuse. Bottom line is though we need to study these people and figure out what made them do it. The excuse that `I was abused` is weak and way overused. That's a factor but I don't think its the secret to it all.

I just want to point out that I originally referenced "empathizing" with people who perform these unspeakable acts, not sympathizing. There is a huge difference between feeling sorry for someone and understanding their motivations and mindset. It mind sound like I'm splitting hairs, but I think the unintentionally misunderstanding of terms like these is what leads to the kind of emotionally charged atmosphere that makes us feel the need to walk on eggshells and practically apologize for discussing sensitive issue like in the initial post.

I have absolutely no sympathy or empathy for these people whatsoever. Perhaps it is because I know way too many victims and have listened to far too many stories of horror, shame, and abuse unimaginable. Anyone who would harm an innocent to fulfill their own "needs" deserves to be punished. In the opinion of some, they deserve to die.

Children acting out abuse with children is different.

It is one thing to think and feel and fantasize about something but another thing entirely to carry it out. I personally do not believe that anyone enters this world with an innate attraction to children but would gladly read any information anyone might have to the contrary.

Homosexuality - while 'frowned on" by present day society... is between consenting persons of sexually mature age... not children whose bodies and minds are not naturally ready for these things.

Perhaps we are biased in this respect but as victims we cannot conscience "sympathy for the devil"...

Of course the whole idea is predicated on the assumption that all people have a core of "goodness" and that there remains something redeemable in every person. I think we are all born neutral and the choices we make determine what ultimately resides inside. We are what we choose.