Dealing with the Past thanks to the Podcast
Posted: March 4th, 2013, 11:18 am
I wrote to Mr. Gilmartin thanking him for this wonderful Podcast and how it made me realize I am not alone. He suggested I post my story here in hopes that other's might understand and give me input.
So here goes. I am a 37 year old male. I consider myself Heterosexual. When I was younger, around 5 or so, I had a very traumatic experience. I squashed and hid that experience from even myself until I was 18. I was raped and violated several times over a year long period by my father and his "friends". I cannot accurately tell how many male friends there were I only remember one clearly. I was ashamed, i suppose, and that's why I hid the fact I was victimized. I never told anyone about it. My father was thrown out of the house when I was around 6 and a half. My mother had gotten fed up with his never being home, he was a truck driver, and that he never provided for the family. Early on our family moved in with my maternal grandmother due to my father never having money.
So my father being gone was a relief to me. Though it hurt at the same time. When I was 7 I had to undergo many surgeries to fix a problem with my hip and knee joints. I was diagnosed with Degenerative Muscular Atrophy. I spent the better part of a year in a body cast, and never once saw my father during that time. My sister, older by almost 2 years, blamed me for the divorce. She would tell me that it was because I was weak and sick that "her" father left us. She never said our, it was always "her" as if I didn't matter.
Living with my mother, grandmother, and sister, with no male influence wasn't too bad. But, hearing my grandmother tell me on a daily basis, sometimes more than once a day. "You are just like your father." began to wear heavily on my mind. I became withdrawn and was prone to verbally violent outbursts. My mother wasn't around all that often, she was a 911 dispatcher and that is a very stressful job, but she did try and make time when she can. Love in the house was normally shown by food. I think that was always the way since our family is rather heavy.
I promised I would be honest in this so here are two side notes of things that still bother me before i hit 18. When I was 8 I was with my older cousin and showed him how to perform oral sex on a man and offered to show him. Note that that side of the family didn't talk to us for a long time because I was a "Deviant". My mother thought I had learned from a porno or something one of the kids in the neighborhood had shown me or something. Then when I was around 12 my cousin, different one a 3 year old girl, was under my grandmother's care during the days so my uncle and aunt could work. My grandmother lavished the girl with praise where I had gotten scorn and hatred. I am not sure why I can remember so vividly that part of it. I did something to the girl I am ashamed of, I was curious about the difference between men and women so I snuck off with her and proceeded to strip her. I wondered over the naked body and couldn't come to grips with why women seemed so foreign and weird to me. Let me state this now, I never violated her or touched her I just looked.
OK, so I continued to be more and more depressed and more and more odd throughout my teens. I had few friends but would go out of my way to make a clown of myself. Being a fat kid had it's share of beatings from other kids. I was and am afraid to bring my strength to bear on anyone. So I took a great deal of abuse and laughed it off. It became more and more a game to see how long it would take to push me to violence. Then when I was 18 and a senior in high school something triggered all the memories of the past. I was stressed out because I was failing several subjects. I couldn't keep focus on anything for more than a few minutes. All my friends had girlfriends and I was alone. I was working two jobs to get enough money to buy a good car. A exchange student in our class, a female from Brazil, had accused me of raping her. I knew the girl and the family she was staying with and she had always seemed friendly. She was seeing a "friend" of mine and we had hung out all together maybe 4 or 5 times. I was shocked and ashamed to be accused. Most of my friends abandoned me and those that didn't still suspected me. It took three weeks of constant ridicule and suspicion to get to the truth. The girl never pressed charges on me which was odd, and the time she said I raped her lined up with a time I was working. Finally she admitted to her friends and the family she was staying with that she lied. It was all to cover that she had snuck out of the house to sleep with my "friend". This sent me into a spiral where all the memories of my past came flooding back.
To this day I fight as hard as I can to never be like my father. I have nightmares and wake up screaming because of it. My relationships have been strained and even my current relationship is difficult for me because I have trouble with certain sexual acts and the fact I am not willing to speak my mind on things I might want. I fear becoming what I loathe most in this world. I do not want to be perceived as a pervert or a sicko.
Well as per the request of Mr. Paul Gilmartin i have joined the forum and given ym story. I don't know what to do about my life, I cannot afford therapy and medications. I know I need something because I still have suicidal thoughts and severe depression. Maybe talking about my life here will help though I doubt it. Thank you to anyone who is willing to read this and not hate me for thing I have done.
-Joe-
So here goes. I am a 37 year old male. I consider myself Heterosexual. When I was younger, around 5 or so, I had a very traumatic experience. I squashed and hid that experience from even myself until I was 18. I was raped and violated several times over a year long period by my father and his "friends". I cannot accurately tell how many male friends there were I only remember one clearly. I was ashamed, i suppose, and that's why I hid the fact I was victimized. I never told anyone about it. My father was thrown out of the house when I was around 6 and a half. My mother had gotten fed up with his never being home, he was a truck driver, and that he never provided for the family. Early on our family moved in with my maternal grandmother due to my father never having money.
So my father being gone was a relief to me. Though it hurt at the same time. When I was 7 I had to undergo many surgeries to fix a problem with my hip and knee joints. I was diagnosed with Degenerative Muscular Atrophy. I spent the better part of a year in a body cast, and never once saw my father during that time. My sister, older by almost 2 years, blamed me for the divorce. She would tell me that it was because I was weak and sick that "her" father left us. She never said our, it was always "her" as if I didn't matter.
Living with my mother, grandmother, and sister, with no male influence wasn't too bad. But, hearing my grandmother tell me on a daily basis, sometimes more than once a day. "You are just like your father." began to wear heavily on my mind. I became withdrawn and was prone to verbally violent outbursts. My mother wasn't around all that often, she was a 911 dispatcher and that is a very stressful job, but she did try and make time when she can. Love in the house was normally shown by food. I think that was always the way since our family is rather heavy.
I promised I would be honest in this so here are two side notes of things that still bother me before i hit 18. When I was 8 I was with my older cousin and showed him how to perform oral sex on a man and offered to show him. Note that that side of the family didn't talk to us for a long time because I was a "Deviant". My mother thought I had learned from a porno or something one of the kids in the neighborhood had shown me or something. Then when I was around 12 my cousin, different one a 3 year old girl, was under my grandmother's care during the days so my uncle and aunt could work. My grandmother lavished the girl with praise where I had gotten scorn and hatred. I am not sure why I can remember so vividly that part of it. I did something to the girl I am ashamed of, I was curious about the difference between men and women so I snuck off with her and proceeded to strip her. I wondered over the naked body and couldn't come to grips with why women seemed so foreign and weird to me. Let me state this now, I never violated her or touched her I just looked.
OK, so I continued to be more and more depressed and more and more odd throughout my teens. I had few friends but would go out of my way to make a clown of myself. Being a fat kid had it's share of beatings from other kids. I was and am afraid to bring my strength to bear on anyone. So I took a great deal of abuse and laughed it off. It became more and more a game to see how long it would take to push me to violence. Then when I was 18 and a senior in high school something triggered all the memories of the past. I was stressed out because I was failing several subjects. I couldn't keep focus on anything for more than a few minutes. All my friends had girlfriends and I was alone. I was working two jobs to get enough money to buy a good car. A exchange student in our class, a female from Brazil, had accused me of raping her. I knew the girl and the family she was staying with and she had always seemed friendly. She was seeing a "friend" of mine and we had hung out all together maybe 4 or 5 times. I was shocked and ashamed to be accused. Most of my friends abandoned me and those that didn't still suspected me. It took three weeks of constant ridicule and suspicion to get to the truth. The girl never pressed charges on me which was odd, and the time she said I raped her lined up with a time I was working. Finally she admitted to her friends and the family she was staying with that she lied. It was all to cover that she had snuck out of the house to sleep with my "friend". This sent me into a spiral where all the memories of my past came flooding back.
To this day I fight as hard as I can to never be like my father. I have nightmares and wake up screaming because of it. My relationships have been strained and even my current relationship is difficult for me because I have trouble with certain sexual acts and the fact I am not willing to speak my mind on things I might want. I fear becoming what I loathe most in this world. I do not want to be perceived as a pervert or a sicko.
Well as per the request of Mr. Paul Gilmartin i have joined the forum and given ym story. I don't know what to do about my life, I cannot afford therapy and medications. I know I need something because I still have suicidal thoughts and severe depression. Maybe talking about my life here will help though I doubt it. Thank you to anyone who is willing to read this and not hate me for thing I have done.
-Joe-