YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So, I've come to realize over the past few years that there is a decent chance I was molested or somehow sexually abused by my stepfather when I was 4-5 years old. I had never even had suspicions until a therapist urged me to talk to my mom a few years ago, and my mom described all sorts of ugly things that went on. Some physical violence, some mental, and he always walked around the house naked, and wanted me to be in the bathroom with him while he showered. So - obviously sexually inappropriate, but my mom insists that he never touched me (or made me touch him).

And I always felt like my sexuality had a healthy expression. I wasn't completely shut down nor was I promiscuous. (I know either of those could be healthy as well, but I'm referring to them as typical responses to childhood sexual abuse). And then things went horribly wrong with my most recent ex - I was sexually abused and objectified by him for the whole 3.5 years of our relationship. I dumped him and started dating my very wonderful boyfriend, and felt like I was in a healthy place again. Then, maybe...three years into this relationship, my sexuality did shut down. I just cannot stand to be touched sexually in any way, it makes me afraid and nervous. That's how I felt around my ex, but there's no reason for me to feel that way around my boyfriend. I trust him completely. We have very good communication. That anti-sex reaction makes me sad because I want that intimacy, and I also don't want him to feel like I don't love him or I'm scared of him. I reassure him, but the behavior is still there... It just isn't fair to either of us.

SO that's why I was seeing that therapist who wanted me to talk to my mom. I see so many clues now, ways that I've built up physical walls to keep others out, certain phobias I have (shower phobia, HELLO). But despite those walls I managed to have a healthy sexuality up until my abusive ex, and then again for a few years with my current boyfriend before I shut down for some unknown reason. I'm 39 now - why would this have not shown up until 30 years later, or if it's a reaction to my ex's abuse, why did I have those few good years after I left him?

My reason for this long and meandering post is to ask if anyone has experiences or knowledge to share regarding ways to remember what happened. Hypnosis? I'll talk to my therapist about it as well, but my plate is very full with what I'm already working on with him. Thought in the meantime I'd see what methods some of you kind folks have used to bring out possibly-repressed memories. My mom may not know if something did happen, or she might be in denial. Or maybe she's right. I'm at the point where I just need to know. Looking for stories from people who were able to remember long-repressed experiences, and how they did it. Thank you!

Hey!

Like the header says above, you are not alone.

Profound post. Thanks for posting.

Here are my two cents, as I read; feel free to take or leave 'em!

Good for you for dumping the abusive partner. High five!

As far as a sudden distaste for sexuality: I'd trust that feeling from inside. Sometimes my unconscience (or unconscious) knows more than me, and I have learned to trust that.

In my mid 30s I remembered sexual abuse from a teacher; this was within a few years of getting sober, putting the pieces back together, feeling feelings, and un-deactivating my sexuality. Maybe I healed enough for my unconscious to bring up the half-forgotten memories of the sexual abuse?

To answer your question of *how* I remembered, again it is my great reverence for my unconscious mind. It parceled out what it (I?) thought I could handle. I remain open to receiving more "forgotten" memories, but I personally would not seek them.

My personal can of worms: I used the widely discredited (if Wikipedia is to be trusted) method of NLP. For me NLP was a useful schema or hueristic to explore my unconscious.

So much for my blah blah blah.

I am sorry you experienced the abuse. I am proud that you could so honestly post about it here. I hope you find healing. Please keep posting as to your progress. I will follow your growth with interest.

Hi Nevina,

There's a really great book I would recommend you check out, called "Repressed Memories: A Journey to Recovery from Sexual Abuse", by Renee Fredrickson. I can't explain how helpful it's been with my own struggle/journey dealing with repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse. Just having information was enormously helpful to me, and reassuring, and affirming... I really felt like I was crazy and somehow making it all up (a common reaction actually) and still go through bouts of denial, but overall I feel like I've come a long way over the past ten years or so (wow, that sounds like a long time) and this book has been an invaluable resource.

As for remembering what may have happened when you were younger (recovering repressed memories), I know it's different for everyone, but for me, it's been a long, slow process, probably largely due to my own denial, how ingrained it is in me to deny and minimize scary truths, and the fact that I haven't really directly tackled these issues in therapy... not yet anyway.

I also needed to re-frame my expectations... the book I mentioned above explains in detail the different types of memory (recall memory, body memory, imagistic memory, etc) and explains that when repressed memories do begin to emerge from the unconscious, those memories will not be classic recall memories... recall memory is conscious memory, and repressed memories are coming from the unconscious, so they are expressed/remembered in different ways. I was expecting (and putting a lot of pressure on myself in the beginning) to retrieve these lost memories as whole, recognizable pieces of the past, and really wanted that reassurance, that proof, that unquestionable, solid memory.

Unfortunately it does not happen that way, from my experience and from what I've read. It's more like weaving a tapestry over time... you try different methods of memory recovery work (again, the book has lots of great suggestions. I also imagine the right therapist could be very helpful with this kind of thing) and over time you piece together all these fragments and a clearer picture emerges.

I don't mean to sound discouraging, at all, about this process. It has been so rewarding and I have come to know myself so much better, and I really do have a MUCH clearer picture of my childhood, including the traumatic and sexually abusive aspects of childhood and adolescence. It just doesn't come about the way you might expect at first -- there's no bolt of lightning, essentially. It's a process and it requires persistent attention and work over time.

Oh, I've heard good things about EMDR therapy, too, for memory recovery work... don't know much about it aside from an article or two I read about it, but it sounds really interesting and people say it's effective -- might be something to look into, also.

This is turning into a much longer email than I intended, and there's still so much I want to say! I totally agree with the first commenter, Oak -- good for you for dumping the abusive boyfriend, absolutely, and good for you for exploring these questions about your past, and writing about it here/sharing your experience... all of that takes courage. I think she's right, too, about trusting your feelings, r.e. a sudden negative reaction towards sex. And r.e. anything, really. I know it's scary and upsetting when you feel like your amazing relationship might be damaged or ruined because of your fucked up personal issues (I'm not saying you are fucked up! Just that's how it can feel. Again, I'm thinking of my own past experiences and hope I'm not projecting too much onto you here.) But... your body, your soul, your spirit, your mind, whatever you want to call it, needs to feel safe, to really heal, and the biggest step you can make in that direction is to trust yourself. Trust your feelings, even if they don't seem to make logical sense. Trust what's coming from inside of you more than you trust what the world is telling you you should feel or think or do.

Ugh, that was really corny. But I really believe that is super important. Anyway, there could be all kinds of reasons behind the questions you posed in the second-to-last paragraph, and the answers will probably become clearer with closer examination. It's all a part of the process, making the big picture a little clearer. I am in no way an expert in any of this, but if I could go back and tell myself anything at the beginning of my own journey down this road, it would be (a) to just take it easy -- don't put too much pressure on yourself to remember NOW or remember something in this very specific, concrete way -- and (b) trust yourself and be as kind and gentle with yourself as possible.

And as everyone always says, have a support system, don't try to do it all on your own -- advice I could stand to take more to heart -- and give it some time.

Anyway, I could write a short novel on all of this, but I will stop myself here. I'd be happy to talk about this more with you, though, if you want, and as Oak said, yes, please do post about your progress. I'd be interested to hear how you are doing, and genuinely wish you all the best.