Sick of shaming by organized religion.
Posted: September 20th, 2013, 6:34 pm
Religion is a touchy subject.
(If you are sensitive to slights to the dignity of the church, you may want to stop reading now. If you tend to get the vapors, prepare to clutch your pearls and have some smelling salts ready. This post will take a very dim view of religion in a hurry.)
Religion offers millions comfort, deep answers to the ultimate questions of life. I celebrate freedom of religion for these many millions. I celebrate them believing according to the dictates of their conscience.
I speak only for myself. My problem is not so much with organized religion, but with people who hurt me. "Trauma", "abuse", and "violation" are *slightly* strong words for what happened to me. Still, the resulting hurt was the same.
I don't want to be hurt any more.
If pressing the "religion" button gives me a shock, a punishment, every time, then I want no part of it.
A long, meandering post below. A summary: since I could never live up to their standards, I decided not to try at all. They would never accept me. Never. So why bother?
Thus begins one really long post....
Last Saturday I wanted Chinese takeout food.
Hope triumphed over experience, since I went to a place I know sucked. I wanted to like their food. Predictably, it sucked.
The service was surly, and I ate half of the food before throwing away the rest in disgust. The impression I got from the staff was:
1. We suck.
2. We don't care that we suck.
3. Since you are willingly paying for food that you know will suck, you deserve this food, which will suck. That is your punishment, and you get to pay for that privilege.
4. We don't care that your needs won't get met.
Like my awful seasame chicken on Saturday, such was my experience with tithing in the evangelical church.
Back story:
From 2009 to 2012, I was working poor, working hourly retail. I'd work every hour they gave me, for minimum wage. I worked every Saturday night. Every Saturday night. I could afford rent, gas, and food for on average 5.5 days a week. This was my experience for three years. No cable tv, zero movies, zero vacations. Many weeks I would have $20 left over to eat on... for the whole week.
You can see where this is headed.
So I am a member of a church. Fine.
They start talking about tithing. My $20 would cover the tithe. But then I wouldn't have anything to eat.
I vividly remember going to my pastor, a man I considered a close friend.
Me: You know, if I give my tithe of $20, I won't be able to eat until Friday.
My pastor: You have to trust God to provide you food if you tithe. Of course if you don't tithe, then you are stealing from God. (Shrugs.)
Just typing that I am appalled at the immorality. I wish I could say that I am exaggerating about that exchange.
Today, two years later, the most galling part was the shrug. Just like the Chinese restaurant, my pastor had enough conviction to shame me, but not enough to help me.
Here is what I dream he had said:
My pastor: You know, Oak, I don't want to serve any God that would demand a person's last $20, taking all their means to eat. Hey, why don't we hop in my car right now? We'll see if we can help you find a short term job, maybe a one or two day situation. In the meantime you keep your money. Let's go.
Ah, if only.
My actions demonstrated that I had 100% faith in that $20 to feed for me for the week. I suppose I didn't doubt God, but I had pure faith in the money. I knew I could get through the week by spending that money on food. And I did.
The bigger picture
Both the Chinese restaurant and my former pastor demonstrated a desire for my money, but no interest in my interests. As if they couldn't be bothered to even fake interest in me.
I have submitted a generous 2-star rating on Yelp for the awful food and service.
I am the type of man who believes that if I have a problem with someone, then I should express it directly, listen to the other person, and then drop it.
I would go back to the restaurant to explain my bad review, but would that be a wise use of my time? Besides, would they care?
I could, I suppose, go to my former pastor and explain how his indifference hurts me. Then, predictably enough, he would metaphorically hit me over the head with the Bible. I'd almost prefer him to literally hit me with an actual Bible: it would be more honest.
So here I am on a Friday night.
Did I go back to that restaurant? Hell no. If they had given me non-shitty food, they would have gotten my $9.50 tonight instead of their rival takeout place across the street. The food tonight was awesome. The bad restaurant ethically got my $9 last week, but that could prove an expensive order of shitty sesame chicken, considering that I am likely to spend hundreds of dollars on food in the coming months.
The other day I gave $10 to an online charity called watsi. I helped fund medical care for a five year old girl. Her bladder had developed outside her body, seeping urine routinely. She is unable to go to school or play with children her age. Her name is Oodan.
https://watsi.org/profile/9031368bcba8-oodan
Today I can afford the $20 so coveted by the church. But now I don't want to give it to them. If I wasn't good enough then, then why would I want to give it to the church now?
I am sick of hurting.
They say we are only as sick as our secrets, so that is why I wrote this post.
Since I have one less secret, I am a little less sick.
Thanks for listening.
(If you are sensitive to slights to the dignity of the church, you may want to stop reading now. If you tend to get the vapors, prepare to clutch your pearls and have some smelling salts ready. This post will take a very dim view of religion in a hurry.)
Religion offers millions comfort, deep answers to the ultimate questions of life. I celebrate freedom of religion for these many millions. I celebrate them believing according to the dictates of their conscience.
I speak only for myself. My problem is not so much with organized religion, but with people who hurt me. "Trauma", "abuse", and "violation" are *slightly* strong words for what happened to me. Still, the resulting hurt was the same.
I don't want to be hurt any more.
If pressing the "religion" button gives me a shock, a punishment, every time, then I want no part of it.
A long, meandering post below. A summary: since I could never live up to their standards, I decided not to try at all. They would never accept me. Never. So why bother?
Thus begins one really long post....
Last Saturday I wanted Chinese takeout food.
Hope triumphed over experience, since I went to a place I know sucked. I wanted to like their food. Predictably, it sucked.
The service was surly, and I ate half of the food before throwing away the rest in disgust. The impression I got from the staff was:
1. We suck.
2. We don't care that we suck.
3. Since you are willingly paying for food that you know will suck, you deserve this food, which will suck. That is your punishment, and you get to pay for that privilege.
4. We don't care that your needs won't get met.
Like my awful seasame chicken on Saturday, such was my experience with tithing in the evangelical church.
Back story:
From 2009 to 2012, I was working poor, working hourly retail. I'd work every hour they gave me, for minimum wage. I worked every Saturday night. Every Saturday night. I could afford rent, gas, and food for on average 5.5 days a week. This was my experience for three years. No cable tv, zero movies, zero vacations. Many weeks I would have $20 left over to eat on... for the whole week.
You can see where this is headed.
So I am a member of a church. Fine.
They start talking about tithing. My $20 would cover the tithe. But then I wouldn't have anything to eat.
I vividly remember going to my pastor, a man I considered a close friend.
Me: You know, if I give my tithe of $20, I won't be able to eat until Friday.
My pastor: You have to trust God to provide you food if you tithe. Of course if you don't tithe, then you are stealing from God. (Shrugs.)
Just typing that I am appalled at the immorality. I wish I could say that I am exaggerating about that exchange.
Today, two years later, the most galling part was the shrug. Just like the Chinese restaurant, my pastor had enough conviction to shame me, but not enough to help me.
Here is what I dream he had said:
My pastor: You know, Oak, I don't want to serve any God that would demand a person's last $20, taking all their means to eat. Hey, why don't we hop in my car right now? We'll see if we can help you find a short term job, maybe a one or two day situation. In the meantime you keep your money. Let's go.
Ah, if only.
My actions demonstrated that I had 100% faith in that $20 to feed for me for the week. I suppose I didn't doubt God, but I had pure faith in the money. I knew I could get through the week by spending that money on food. And I did.
The bigger picture
Both the Chinese restaurant and my former pastor demonstrated a desire for my money, but no interest in my interests. As if they couldn't be bothered to even fake interest in me.
I have submitted a generous 2-star rating on Yelp for the awful food and service.
I am the type of man who believes that if I have a problem with someone, then I should express it directly, listen to the other person, and then drop it.
I would go back to the restaurant to explain my bad review, but would that be a wise use of my time? Besides, would they care?
I could, I suppose, go to my former pastor and explain how his indifference hurts me. Then, predictably enough, he would metaphorically hit me over the head with the Bible. I'd almost prefer him to literally hit me with an actual Bible: it would be more honest.
So here I am on a Friday night.
Did I go back to that restaurant? Hell no. If they had given me non-shitty food, they would have gotten my $9.50 tonight instead of their rival takeout place across the street. The food tonight was awesome. The bad restaurant ethically got my $9 last week, but that could prove an expensive order of shitty sesame chicken, considering that I am likely to spend hundreds of dollars on food in the coming months.
The other day I gave $10 to an online charity called watsi. I helped fund medical care for a five year old girl. Her bladder had developed outside her body, seeping urine routinely. She is unable to go to school or play with children her age. Her name is Oodan.
https://watsi.org/profile/9031368bcba8-oodan
Today I can afford the $20 so coveted by the church. But now I don't want to give it to them. If I wasn't good enough then, then why would I want to give it to the church now?
I am sick of hurting.
They say we are only as sick as our secrets, so that is why I wrote this post.
Since I have one less secret, I am a little less sick.
Thanks for listening.