YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I was hoping some of you could provide me with some wisdom. My wife was sexually abused as a child. We've been married for nearly fifteen years. I've known about the abuse all along but only just recently has she really felt able to confront and process things. Because of this process being painful, as healing is, she has been having flashbacks, breakdowns and very deep depressions.

A few months ago we decided to do a manual reset on physical intimacy and slowly build up to sex again so that she would feel safe and in control. We've reached a point where she's ready for sex but...I'm not. It may be my own battles with depression and extreme anxiety, but I'm terrified. I'm afraid I'll do something that will trigger her, or I'll make her feel uncomfortable but she won't feel safe enough to let me know...Plus, my knowledge of the past events from our talks and our joint sessions with her therapist have left me feeling a little haunted by what happened to her. I don't want her to feel rejected or broken because I'm still afraid of sex right when she is ready. I also feel stupid for being afraid.

There aren't really any resources that talk about this aspect of a relationship from the spouse's point of view. Allies in Healing doesn't exactly cover this topic from this perspective. Everything tells me what I should do to make her feel comfortable but I don't know how to make myself feel comfortable. I've been completely open with her about my feelings and she completely understands. I've discussed it with a therapist but, again, I only really realized how to be attuned to her needs. But I don't know how to reconcile my fear that I will somehow trigger something and that trigger will hurt her emotionally.

This probably sounds ridiculous and stupid. Does any of this make sense? Am I being completely irrational? Or is there a better way to process my own feelings so that I can continue to help her?

http://rainn.org/get-help/help-a-loved-one

Hello Kilgore Trout, maybe try the "RAINN.com" link above

please hang in there, please take care, all the best

I'm not an expert or anything, but what you're feeling sounds entirely normal and makes perfect sense. Of course you would be worried about upsetting her, that's perfectly natural! You have been taking it slow for her, but also maybe you need to take it slow and build up your own confidence? Your feelings are just as valid. It sounds like you're on the right track by talking to her about this and consulting your therapist. I'm sure there are other helpful support systems too like the one linked above and maybe some support groups? My only advice would be to be patient with yourself and also, when you're ready, to give your trust to your spouse that she will tell you if she is uncomfortable the moment she may feel so, and you need to feel confident to do the same if you need to back out. There is no shame in taking these things slow, I'm sure it's a very difficult process to begin with. It sounds like you are both commited and loving of each other, so I'm sure you'll get to a safe place.

Thank you both. I think I needed to unload somewhere that wasn't my therapist or my wife. We've talked about it--we are both very open about this process--and she completely understands and is very patient. But sometimes I feel that unburdening on her about my feelings about her battles is like taking a load from one train car and putting it into another train car attached to the same engine. Sometimes that fear and anxiety just needs a voice in order to depart the relationship itself rather than weighing it down. Frankly, since she took the big step to finally confront her past and process it our relationship (which was never bad in the first place) has blossomed. It's like a second period of dating, except you already know the person you're dating and you're discovering amazing new things because of the openness of emotion. There's still a long way to go. I don't think she sees a light at the end of the tunnel yet. But she now admits there might be a tunnel.

I think what's been so difficult for me is I didn't realize how an event from 30 years ago in someone else's past could hit me so hard. It's strange because I know what she needs when she has a flashback or wakes up crying or has a really tough therapy session. But afterwards, especially if she's felt comfortable enough to share exactly what it was that caused it and she drifts off to sleep I feel like I'd just barely escaped a car accident. I'm shaking and crying. I know it's because I've just watched someone I love suffering. I guess I realized when she started the process of healing that I knew she would be traveling through a lot of darkness and pain, especially in the beginning but I was too stupid to realize that as her partner I'd be going through some darkness too. It's not nearly a fraction of what she's experiencing, but I suppose I should have been prepared for some emotional blowback. It was foolish of me not to expect that.