YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I thought I would share an essay my sponsor gave me as a homework assignment:


I am powerless over what he, his friends and his family think of me.


How has it affected my life?

In the beginning of our friendship, even before we were dating, he told me that if I didn't do what he wanted (and I'm sure he was suggesting sexual things with his tone of words in that conversation), he would turn all our friends against me. I stayed in the relationship for far too long, not just because I was afraid of losing him but because I didn't want to be completely alone. I didn't want to get abandoned by our friends. I was scared I would have no one after my family died. I wanted everyone to just like me so I didn't rock the boat.

They all hate me now anyway, because their opinions are theirs and theirs alone. I feel kind of paranoid, but I think everyone in our social circle back on Long Island believes I was the wrong one because I stood up and said I couldn't take it anymore. The hate has spiraled me into a very deep depression where I feel like everyone is either a liar or an outright asshole. Not having people to turn to when going through something like that was one of the most heart-wrenching things about the situation. I did lose a lot of friends through his lies and the rumors that spread about me. Some of these people I had known for over a decade.

I've heard people call me “crazy” or say “you must have done something to cause him to be this angry” or tell me that the bruises on my body were not that bad and I was over-exaggerating and other misogynistic things. It dragged me back to the 1950s.

The one girl who did stand by me very fiercely, because she had been in a similar situation and knew enough about victim blaming to see what was going on and had seen how he acted, was brought down right along side of me. She lost a couple of friends because she stood by my side and even if these people were jerks and she says she doesn't mind losing them, I still feel terribly guilty for having them cast her out alongside me.



What did I contribute to it?

I've turned the victim blaming internal, rehashing old memories to see if it was really all my fault and if I deserved to get abused-- not just by my ex, but by every single person who has ever hurt me-- giving their words power to hurt me even now.

I've fought against the tide of everyone else's opinion by throwing verbal temper tantrums, trying to get other people to see the truth and do something about it, writing message after emotional hangover message to try to get them to change their mind about him, me and us.

I make it affect me-- if I hear he's happy and he's hanging out with his friends more now, I take that as a testament to my own happiness. I don't believe we can both be happy at the same time. Someone has to be wrong, someone has to be right and there is black and white sides to choose from. I've made some of our mutual friends choose between us because I didn't feel safe around them because I thought they believed him.

When everyone was telling me I was over-exaggerating, it brought me back to so many other people who had disbelieved me too-- friends that I lost because of rumors and the gossip mill in years past. Shaina, one of my best friends, tried to explain to me that I have a very low charisma score and I don't always say things in the right way even when I'm correct, so that was probably why I didn't get along with so many people. I lose it sometimes and once people cross over my threshold for idiocy, I tell them straight to their faces exactly what I think of them-- which was another problem in the social group at the time. Once my ex got them to disbelieve me and I knew they weren't going to listen to me anyway, I was a raving bitch to them which did not prove my point that I was sane.

After one fight with my ex, when I finally said I might call the police, I was so strung out by his physical abuse (this was the time he pointed an “unloaded” gun at me), that I lost it. I cut in front of him, and he called the police and had me sent to the psych ward. I was released within the hour when I talked to the doctors there and they realized I was a cutter and not suicidal-- but I did this to myself. After he told everyone what had happened, which is why I think he called the police in the first place since it made him look like the good guy, no one wanted to believe me about anything. We were both pretty crazy at the time, but I was openly crazy. He kept his crazy behind closed doors. I did overly dramatic things to cause people to look at me. I'm a bit of a drama queen. That hasn't changed all that much.

There were other times when I forced myself to pretend to be overly sane and happy, just so people would think I was well-adjusted. I was going to make everyone think I was a good person if I plastered a fake smile on my face and drove myself crazy doing it. If I could get everyone to think I was the sane one, obviously then he would be the crazy one. It was all or nothing thinking, black and white-- we were both pretty nuts in different ways. He was abusive, but I was depressive and drama queen-esque.

I shouldn't let what other people think or say about me affect me as much as it does. It only gives them more power. It allowed him to hurt me more once he knew my friends and social group were so important to me. It allows him to hurt me now even when he's not in my life because I take things in and ruminate on them for several hours, or even days, at a time. I can never be free if I let people control me-- if I give them too much time out of my day, then I'm handing them over the power to ruin my day.

You are brave and articulate and you are doing the gutsy things that are self-loving in the long-term, and that makes you rock. You are the best.

Vixen, I felt your pain reading this. You are awesome, and strong, and a good person.

As someone from the outside of the situation I am yelling at my screen "Who cares what him and his dipshit friends think of you, they don't know YOU, their dumb preconceptions mean nothing!" but of course when you're in the mist of that judgement from dicks, NOBODY could help but take a little of it on board. Remember how good abusers are at twisting and manipulating people. Remember your friend who stood by you is a true friend, understanding and brave and true to you, and those people that turned their backs on the two of you are idiots.

I can feel how you feel stuck in the 50s. I've noticed in myself that when I hear of this kind of abuse, my first unguarded mental reaction is to do the same thing, turn my back and label her "crazy". It's a form of denial, we don't want to face something horrible in people's lives or hear about something morally awkward that we may feel inclined to actually do something about, it's just easier to go "Women are crazy, am I right!"

The feeling of him "winning" is such a hard one to shake. He shouldn't be happy and you shouldn't be sad, because he wronged you. Remember his happiness is fake, and he is fake, based on the perception he has created for his friends and family and possibly hisself. You are real, and when you get through to the other side of the pain your happiness will be real. You are the winner already by default, but he is living in a fake world.

Please take care of yourself Vixenvamp and keep being strong and awesome.