I Hate This!!!

[Bella]

I've been dealing with some kind of mental illness (call it what you will) for over 40 years now, and I am in worse shape than ever, in spite of a whole raft of psychiatrists, therapists, and pretty much every kind of therapy and medication known to science. I've also been hospitalized (usually involuntarily, which is not fun) so often I've lost count--I would guess 7 or 8 times. Nothing worked, except Prozac when it was first released--it truly was like a miracle. My chronic depression vanished, I actually found I had a sense of humor (it had been so long I had forgotten!!), and without even trying I lost some much-needed weight. This continued for several years and I finally felt real hope--until it was snatched away. Prozac has a way of doing that--it started working for me within 3 or 4 DAYS (which is almost unheard of), but it quit working just as suddenly. Nothing else has ever really helped.

I've also had nearly every diagnosis known to psychiatry. The first was OCD--for some reason I am no longer dx'd with that, but rest assured it left a life-long "little something to remember me by". I brushed my teeth far too hard and too often--they had been nearly perfect until then. But at age 21 (just after I had lost a lot of weight and everyone was telling me how great I looked and I finally had some self-esteem for the first time in years,) I discovered that all that brushing had done a lot more than make my teeth sparkly-white and cavity-free. It left me with incurable gum disease which has only worsened over the years. I already had dental phobia (thanks to a very rough, uncaring childhood dentist) and I decided at age 21 that I was "too ugly" ever to date, marry or hold down a job. So thanks OCD--whether you're still here or not, I will never forget you. You ruined my life.

Aside from that, I've been dx'd with depression (mostly Dysthymia, with one or two bouts of Major Depression), Bipolar Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa(I was down to about 80 pounds at age 19-20), a gaggle of personality disorders and for the past 10 or 15 years, BPD--plus Dysthymia. I also have massive, chronic anxiety. When anything triggers either the anxiety, the depression or the BPD, it sets off all the others too, until I'm so overwhelmed I cannot function.

The last time I spoke to a psychiatrist, he told me: "You do NOT have Bipolar Disorder, but I almost wish you did, because then I would know how to treat it." You can imagine how much "better" that made me feel!

I quit therapy because DBT is unavailable in my area and no other therapy has ever done the least bit of good. I'm just taking 20 mg of Prozac but it's a joke. Then last Friday at 3 PM I got a voicemail from a woman who administers my SSI/Medicaid and I didn't notice until after midnite--so now I have to wait until Monday to call her back and find out what she wants. If she cuts of my SSI/Medicaid I guess I'll end up living in the streets because I am totally destitute and I can't work.

I just want to go to sleep and NEVER wake up.

[fifthsonata]

From what you've written and described, it really does sound like you're struggling with bipolar disorder. Prozac has been shown to trigger manic episodes in bipolar individuals - it might explain why it had such an effect on you.

Have you seen anyone who specializes in bipolar disorder for (yet another) opinion? Anorexia can often serve as a "duller" for people with bipolar - it focuses the thoughts and calms down the manic/depression phases. Marya Hornbacher is a shining example of all of that. Have you read her "Madness: A Bipolar Life"? You really should - the book has been out for awhile so you can find it at any local library, or, if you don't have the attention span to read it, you can find it on Audible/iTunes in audiobook form. It reads BRILLIANTLY. Based on your paragraphs here I think her ability to write will make it easy to read her book - she's not frilly, doesn't bullshit in her storytelling, curses when the time is right, and tells it in such a way anyone could identify with her.

If a shrink is telling you they wish you had bipolar to make it easier to treat - well, to be frank, he's a moron. I am continually shocked by what counselors say....not sure why. That was completely inappropriate to say.

I also feel your pain on hospitals. I was 5150'd at a counseling appointment on campus. My students saw me escorted from the office to the cop car in the middle of the day. Not good.


I know you won't want me saying this, but I think if you found the right hospital you could benefit greatly from inpatient treatment. It's just...finding the right hospital that's the trick. They could experiment with meds and monitor you closely to ensure you get the right kind and dosage. Also, having a diversified staff with a range of expertise.....that could really help.


I sense the dispair and hatred for your illness(es?) in your post. Harness that anger, resentment, and hate, and use it to your advantage - don't give up on seeking professional help.

[Bella]

Fifthsonata---thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words! I feel for you too--I was once dragged screaming and kicking from my house, across the front yard (in front of the neighbors!) into a police car to be "escorted" to a hospital. I agree, it's pretty much the ultimate in humiliation!!

I don't think I've read Hornbacher's book but thanks for the tip, I will assuredly look it up and read it!

Thank you again! Sending you hugs!!

[fifthsonata]

Yes, I never understood that. I can understand if someone is a threat to the officers or homicidal, and yes, of course suicide is serious, but to have to be cuffed and taken like a criminal when you're feeling so depressed you think death is the best option? How is being treated that way going to improve the situation?

I actually have Hornbacher's book on Audible. I think I can gift some? Not sure. If you can't find it at the library I'll be happy to share my digital copy.

[Jenny Jump]

Thinking of you, Bella. I hope things begin to synchronize for you. I know how hopeless feels.