How can I tell when I'm manipulating people?

[HowDidIGetHere]

So I'm trying to get stable again after some really crazy years and I don't seen to be able to do it on my own. Sometimes it occurs to me to ask someone I know for help -- even for something small like "do you know anyone who's selling a car?" -- and then I start to think that I'm being shady or trying to manipulate them into doing something more. I don't think I am, but I also don't know how good I am at judging myself either.

So how do I know? What are some tools I can use to keep myself honest?

[HowDidIGetHere]

Just bumping this because I really do need help. I guess no one has an answer or at least not one they'd feel okay sharing.

Sigh. Thanks for trying.

[rivergirl]

Hey there HDIGH,
Here's my feeble attempt at answering your question.

Would it help at all if you thought about how you would feel and what action you would take if the other person actually offered the specific help that you're asking for? For example, how would you feel if you asked about the car, and the person said, "Yes, I know someone who is selling a car, here's their phone number." Do you actually have money to buy a car and want to spend it that way, or would you be disappointed because what you really wanted was an offer of cash to help buy a car, the loan of a car, rides, etc.?

Also, I've never gone to a 12-step group for more than a few meetings at a time, but it seems to me that kind of accountability is one of the benefits some people get from having a sponsor.

I wish I had some better solution I could offer. I hope you get some answers soon.

rivergirl

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks, rg. I really appreciate your answer. It does make sense to me.

[hobojungle]

Great question.

"Manipulators may have a:

1) strong need to attain feelings of power & superiority in relationships with others
2) want & need to feel in control
3) desire to gain a feeling of power over others in order to raise their perception of self-esteem."

I got that from the internet somewhere. Maybe Wikipedia?

[Beany Boo]

You word everything in a way such that no one can say 'no' to you. You can't help but do this.

You can't bear to learn what you don't know about other people except from what you create by just observing them in the present. You can't bear to ask them about themselves.

You can't bear other people simply talking to you about you. Never mind the content of what they say. It feels dangerous or entrapping.

'Manipulation' is slightly misleading. It implies you are doing it deliberately, instead of, compulsively.

It has more to do with a particular parenting style you suffered, than with mistakes you're making now. You learnt to do this from someone unaware of what 'this' (manipulation) is or how it started.

If you were to let someone say 'no' to your face for something you genuinely need it feels like you might die, or that that was your only chance.

Wording something in such a way that you give the other person the freedom to say 'no' feels like it almost doesn't make sense; isn't actually possible or that, of course you do it, when in fact your whole life is arranged so as to avoid their 'no'. That person's absence is preferable to their mouth forming a 'no' shape and sound.

When I say 'you' I mean me. When I say 'other people' I mean people who may/may not feed this compulsion. When I say, 'avoid their 'no'' I mean circumvent consent to interact only in a limited, negotiated way.

[Beany Boo]

Hello btw