YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

this is my first time posting here but I wanted to share this story. My mom felt a lump in her breast and I went with her to the doctor. the results came back positive and I get upset and start crying she then proceeds to tell me that she´s going to have to sell the house to afford the treatments ( the insurance paid for them she didint even check just wanted to fuel the chaos). I offered to go with her to all the doctors and treatments, it just so happens that the second doctor's appointment that I accompanied her to was acctually a therapy appointment with her shrink who proceeded to inform me that I spoke with my mother with a lot of rage ignoring the fact that my mother lied in order to get me to go. I then decided that I would not go with her anymore. i told her that I would take care of her but she still asked my grandmother to come stay with us even though she constantly complains about her because she decided that I didn't want to ( this gave her a wonderfull topic of conversation with my grandma). Meanwhile my sister was studying abroad and I was supposed to visit her but told my mother that I wouldn't because of her illness. she insisted that she wanted me to go that wouldn't take no for an answer and even bought me a warm coat for the trip (she was in a very cold country). when i booked the tickets she started yelling and screaming how i was a disgusting person and a monster for leaving her, that people dont even abandon their dogs like that, I responded with the fact that she encouraged me to go, she then told me that it was all a test. she denies this ever happened by the way. She loved getting attention from people and would host gatherings at home for people to come and pay homage to her, she would even call people to tell them how she was doing, people she hadn´t talked to in years. she also told horrible stories about how badly I treated her to our family, especially my grandma who likes to join in the fun... I would often overhear them talking about ways to punish me like not giving me any money so I couldn't leave the house and be forced to stay with them 24/7 while they bullied me

I feel sorry for you reading your story, cookiemonster. You deserve better than this. Please take care of yourself and be self-loving to yourself, you deserve it. We here are cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow, please keep the lines of communication open.

Hi cookiemonster, has your mother been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD)? If so, there are support sites for people like you. Often times, especially as they age, people with BPD (most often female) show increasing signs of hypochondriac behavior, or seeking attention through constant medical care. Apparently, your mother has a breast tumor, and I suspect it will be treated. But milking it for all it’s worth (no pun intended - is Paul rubbing off on me ) and attempting to guilt you is the sickest part.

At this point in life, you need more help than her; children of Borderlines exist in a special layer of Hell, undeserved, of course. Former lovers, spouses and other family members can and often leave them; their kids can’t. Actually, from what I’ve learned, the children of people with BPD are often far more mature than others their age. They had to be, they nearly raised their parent. But in the process, you were robbed of a childhood - and a shitload of joy. I’m sorry. As it stands, you will continue to be robbed of whatever pleasures await you in which your mother has an ounce of control. And to hear she’s willing to withhold family funds is despicable, but typical - anything for control

What does your sister think? Sounds like grandma’s a piece of work, too, so no help there? - If your mom has BPD, then her mother’s seen some crazy stuff too. And, it runs in families (it’s genetic), so be aware. But most importantly - This is not, nor does her behavior or condition have anything to do with you. Those with BPD have a need to share their pain, and they do. To have attained the age you have, and still have your depth of compassion for her indicates you’re not as screwed up as some. But she’s apparently still working at it

I don’t know if there’s a way to private message around here [nor have I found a way to edit a mistake after posting], but if you’d like my personal suggestion as where to look for some good advice from others like yourself - please ask. And never let this stuff take you along with it - it’s not you, it’s BPD.

Hi Cookie Monster-
I am so sorry to hear your story. It is clear you have your mother's best interests at heart. And you are getting such confusing (horribly confusing) messages from her. A real double bind--damned if you go on your trip and damned if you don't. I had a mom who was similar to your mom and to this day, as a 59 yo woman, I am still dealing with her crap. You are in a better position, bc you seem younger (judging by post) than I was when I starting figuring out things were way wrong.

I completely agree with Rain. I think your mom is likely someone with BPD. The classic book recommendations
Is Stop Walking on Eggshells. I think things might fall in place after reading the book. Also, just google "mother bpd" and prepared to be shocked by the number of results that come up. You will really see you are not alone .

My bro has married two women with bpd. Like your mom was able to get her shrink to believe that you were the evil one, my brother lost his daughter to his ex-bpdWife. She starting making up lies that he was at risk for sexually molesting his daughter. He of course had nothing in his life that would even hint at the possibility.

Last thing I want to say is plz don't feel guilty about anything you decide to do as a responsible adult taking care of herself. I hope this is not out of line but I played the loving servant girl for far to long. When she died I realized I had never really loved her. She was too full of herself to have ever made any concessions for her kids. Like most people with a personality disorder,she could not empathize. That is good enough right there to prevent love.

Last last thing-to this day I am so grateful I left my home town at 18. Main reason I left- my mom.