BPD triggering eating/sleeping disorder
Posted: February 5th, 2018, 3:26 am
So I am a college student, which means life is high stress. I can't really afford to have anything be wrong with me, but honestly, who can?
A little history first. I have struggled with eating since middle school, frequently being called anorexic due to my fast metabolism making me stick thin, even though I would be constantly eating. I was obsessed with my image so the thyroid medication I was on I refused to take because it would slow it down and I wouldn't be thin anymore. I started gaining weight about 2 years later before high school. When that happened, I began starving myself, even though it exhausted me. I was on the track team and in the musicals and was a very involved top of the class student. I guess I just eventually gave in and ate somewhat regularly. After that episode, I haven't had a good relationship with food. Either I don't eat at all, or I eat everything.
I was diagnosed last summer with BPD, as well as an unspecified eating disorder and PTSD. I was only in therapy for about 4 months or so. I have never been able to go regularly. I had a few weeks in the middle where I really struggled with eating. I refused to eat for days at a time, and then, for the first time ever, made myself purge. It became a game. See how long I could go, and then purge, and go even longer. I knew I needed to eat to survive, but I couldn't allow it. I had to have the control. Looking back, I see I was in a very manipulative environment with an ex-best friend.
Now, I am having issues all over again. I am in a better environment, I love myself and have accepted all my "flaws" and what I bring to the table. I have accepted everything about myself because it makes me "me". But I am having issues eating again. I don't usually ever eat breakfast, then I go to class and stay on campus all day because my major is demanding. I won't spend money on campus because everything is overpriced, so I refuse to let myself eat. I could go home to get food but I am a ten minute walk from campus so it is inconvenient. So I stay on campus until the library closes around 11pm. Once I get home, I then tell myself that if I eat before bed it will just sit inside me while I sleep and its better to just eat in the morning instead, even though I know for sure I won't.
My reason for explaining all this is that I want to know what others have felt and gone through and done to try to get past these hurdles. I'm the only one who has mental health issues in my family, and they are back home two states away while I am in college. I have a close friend who is Bipolar, so she can help some of the time, but with this she won't help because she was bulimic in high school. Any kind words are appreciated.
A little history first. I have struggled with eating since middle school, frequently being called anorexic due to my fast metabolism making me stick thin, even though I would be constantly eating. I was obsessed with my image so the thyroid medication I was on I refused to take because it would slow it down and I wouldn't be thin anymore. I started gaining weight about 2 years later before high school. When that happened, I began starving myself, even though it exhausted me. I was on the track team and in the musicals and was a very involved top of the class student. I guess I just eventually gave in and ate somewhat regularly. After that episode, I haven't had a good relationship with food. Either I don't eat at all, or I eat everything.
I was diagnosed last summer with BPD, as well as an unspecified eating disorder and PTSD. I was only in therapy for about 4 months or so. I have never been able to go regularly. I had a few weeks in the middle where I really struggled with eating. I refused to eat for days at a time, and then, for the first time ever, made myself purge. It became a game. See how long I could go, and then purge, and go even longer. I knew I needed to eat to survive, but I couldn't allow it. I had to have the control. Looking back, I see I was in a very manipulative environment with an ex-best friend.
Now, I am having issues all over again. I am in a better environment, I love myself and have accepted all my "flaws" and what I bring to the table. I have accepted everything about myself because it makes me "me". But I am having issues eating again. I don't usually ever eat breakfast, then I go to class and stay on campus all day because my major is demanding. I won't spend money on campus because everything is overpriced, so I refuse to let myself eat. I could go home to get food but I am a ten minute walk from campus so it is inconvenient. So I stay on campus until the library closes around 11pm. Once I get home, I then tell myself that if I eat before bed it will just sit inside me while I sleep and its better to just eat in the morning instead, even though I know for sure I won't.
My reason for explaining all this is that I want to know what others have felt and gone through and done to try to get past these hurdles. I'm the only one who has mental health issues in my family, and they are back home two states away while I am in college. I have a close friend who is Bipolar, so she can help some of the time, but with this she won't help because she was bulimic in high school. Any kind words are appreciated.