YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So recently I have been afraid that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder. The self-diagnosis stemmed from my Girl Friend of 3 years cheating and leaving me for the other man. This possible diagnosis terrifies me because it seems that it is so damning, the websites describing the illness seem to make those suffering from it out to be these evil monsters. I am so scared that I would cause that kind of harm to those I love. I know those who may suffer from BPD aren't bad, but it seems the wider internet vilifies them, and it makes me feel bad, sad, and scared (selfishly).

Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
o I don’t really exhibit any of these. I’ve never done drugs, driven risky (too much wasted money on gas), gambled, or had sex outside of a committed (always protected) long term Relationship.
• Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
o I have in the past engaged in self-harm (in High School), and after the Break up I started up again. I just hated myself so much, I wanted to almost punish myself and cover the pain. I was able to stop after the initial shock so to speak, and haven’t for months.
• Wide mood swings
o I don’t really have mood swings. I’ve been down for about a year, but I’ve really just been feeling really sad (stemming from the break up), or worried (about having this illness, if I hurt my ex at all.)
• Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
o I guess the feelings are intense, but they by no means are short. I have been feeling the depression/anxiety for months now.
• Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
o I rarely get angry. The only time I got angry in the relationship was when I felt neglected and confronted her and over-reacted. I raised my voice a bit and ask if she would rather I leave the relationship. It was stupid and once I calmed down I regretted it. When I do get mad, it is with myself, more often than not, I will mutter curses stomp around or hit myself.
• Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
o I tend to be in control of my emotions. I never direct them towards others. I am very un-impulsive and tend to overthink things. I guess the only emotion I struggle to control is sadness. Sometimes it is tough to be happy, I guess I let my situation get to me.
• Suicidal behavior
o No behavior. I do (after the break up) have feelings that I want to die, but would/could never act on them.
• Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
o Yeah I feel that quite often, lately. It has been getting better as I have been trying to reach out to friends, but still. I am afraid that they don’t like me or want to be around me. I then tend to avoid contact with them so that I don’t burden them.
• Fear of being alone
o I’m afraid that after this break up, after my friends moving across the country for their jobs (which I am happy for) that yes I will spend my life alone. That or because I have BPD I’ll never be able to have a good relationship again. I was also towards the tail end of the relationship quite clingy. I was feeling neglected (as she worked a lot, my friends all seemed to be moving away, I was living somewhere where I didn’t know many people, she seemed to want to spend all of her free time with her friends with out me.)
• Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
o I’m not too happy with myself, because I lost this woman, I’m struggling to find a full time job, things aren’t working out quite as I planned and worked towards.
• Unstable view of self.
o I tend to be pretty static in what I believe in, and what I want for myself. I can hold jobs ect. I am definite in my sexuality.
• Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings.
o I don’t identify with this at all.

Gosh sorry that was long winded. So what do you think, am I screwed? Also one of the DSM IV things is “wide mood swings.” What does that mean exactly? I think that illustrates my problem, I’m trying to pin something on myself that I don’t totally understand.

Thank you for your time

Paul

I'm no professional, but it doesn't sound like you meet enough of the criteria for BPD. I've been diagnosed with it, but don't really think I fit the diagnosis neatly. I'm not that impulsive and never self-harm. I also have many friends still around me that I've had for 10+ years, so I figure I can't be the that bad! I understand your fear, because when I got the diagnosis, I was truly shocked and ashamed. But now I kind of feel ok with it. I'm not sure if it was on the podcast or somewhere else that I heard that if you visit ten psychiatrists, you're unlikely to get the same diagnosis from more than two of them. So the other eight will think you have something else. I think there are many problems with the DSM. I used to want a diagnosis so badly, just to have answers as to why I have felt rather crap for so long... But when I got one I felt deeply disturbed. So, I'm working on just dealing with any symptoms that come up for me in daily life and otherwise trying to accept myself. Break-ups have been my most painful experiences in the past and really set off my self-loathing, so I can relate to what you're going through. I hope you start to feel better soon. In my experience, being around friends really helps.

Oh, also, I don't want to contribute to the demonisation of people with BPD. I have a close friend also diagnosed and she is wonderful, caring and compassionate.

Not that it's a great film, but also, if you take a look at Girl Interrupted, the character portrayed by Winona Ryder is meant to have BPD and she's the least "crazy" one in the hospital. The other characters are kind of offensive caricatures of people with mental illness, but anyway, might be worth a look for the purposes of soothing your mind and destigmatising BPD.

With treatment from a professional and going through coursework Iike DBT, (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). Plus there are groups like NAMI all around the country. who help people with mental illness find the help they need. I too suffer from BPD and it hasn't been an easy road. I had my problems one of witch was prison. That was not fun at all.

the way they diagnose this sure is strange. I was diagnosed by a new doctor with BPD and felt pretty bad about it. Then I went to my old therapist who I'd seen for 5 years but he'd never offered any official diagnosis. So I asked him, do YOU think I have BPD? He said, 'sure, you have some qualities of BPD but you also have qualities of social anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder.' So I give up on trying to understand WTF is wrong with me. Whatever it is, it's terrible, and I do identify with most of the BPD list.
I came to the forum this morning cuz I'm currently losing my mind about a break up from over 7 years ago. Whats the name for that, how do i fix that?! No thread for it of course. Real fresh heartbreak, all day everyday, and SO much time has passed. It's not normal and I'm fucking miserable and of course by now I've learned not to tell other people WHY I'm so sad. Its not anyones problem, so gotta keep it to myself.
I wasn't always thinking about him all the time, a few years ago, but it never went away, and in the past year, it's feeling fresh. I constantly have dreams where he comes back and we're together and then he leaves and I'm waking up like WHYYYYYYY. Feels like it just happened and I desperately need to know WHY he doesn't love me anymore.
In reality he doesn't talk to me now, has not for many many years, he has a new life and a girlfriend and they post on twitter facebook instagram like normal people and it's just torture for me.

I was hospitalized for a week with "brief reactive physios" in 2010 and my discharge papers include a diagnosis of BPD, but I do not agree. No doubt, I have some Boarderline behaviors, but after reading about Boarderline and hearing Susanna Brisk on the podcast, I don't identify with the diagnosis. My internal landscape is far too integrated and consistent to be Boarderline. I am also open to changing myself to such a high degree, including walking away from toxic relationships and letting go of past hurts without outside intervention.

I am so afraid of having it and getting diagnosed. When I heard the now deleted episode of the pod cast on BPD I flipped out and got so afraid. At the time of hearing it and relating to what was being said in it and looking up the symptoms of BPD I knew that was me. I meet 8 out of 9 of the criteria. I felt like it was a death sentence. I still have only told a few ppl about that. Not that the ppl around me don't know I'm incredibly fucked up it has been a fucking roller coaster of emotions finding out theres a name for what is going on in my brain.

I have found meditation to be a great source of help. But theres something that I do or that happens to really put me in a shit mood. And when I go into a dark place its bad. Really bad. Recently I have had suicide ideations when I get upset and think of the worst possible scenarios of what can happen in my life, I think this is it, if x, y, and z happen I will just kill myself. I will think of how to do it and where etc.but it will stem from something non significant. And my mind will go there. Or I'll think of self harming(cutting) and think why not. Its only hurting me. And i have't cut in yrs I smoke cigarettes now as my form of self harm. I consciously switched because we all know how bad they are that was my substitute.

I sometimes feel like everything in life is good then I feel like things have been run off the road suddenly. And I am not prepared for anything. And sometimes its just a road bump and that feels like the biggest accident in the world. I just feel so frustrated all the time. But if theres one thing I have is hope. A small amt of it. Enough to continue on. It helps that I don't use drugs anymore. That kept me from being able to make some small steps torward accepting who and what I am.
Ugh. Feel like this is a ramble of nothing.

Againsthegrain, if you have BPD, you have it wither you get diagnosed or not. If you do, it's just one aspect of who you are and if you are willing to take even the smallest steps to heal yourself and change your behavior, you aren't beyond hope or help. I believe it is powerful "magic" - for lack of a better term - to call a thing by it's name. If you know what ails you, you can fight openly and enlist support in the battle.

Since being diagnosed with BPD, I don't want to share it with anyone because I am afraid that it will be used against me. I'm afraid that any time in the future when I get upset about something or react to something, it will be dismissed and blaming it on the BPD. It also makes me second-guess my every thought/decision/behavior as to if it's valid or just my BPD.

I think it's really common for people who land on the spectrum of a personality disorder to feel the way you do, Cheesehead. I was very defiant when my doctors changed my diagnosis from Bipolar to BPD because I felt like it was more acceptable to have mood disorder than be told there was something fundamentally wrong with my personality - something wrong with who I was essentially. I still told people I was Bipolar for a really long time afterwards and even when I started telling people I had BPD I would preface with this whole "weeeell, doctors said one thing, then another!"

The only way to get to a place where you are both comfortable with having it and being protected by jerks who will try to use it against you is... therapy! (Who would have guessed?) But I think what Jessica Dubron said on her episode of people landing on a personality disorder spectrum and that not having to define them on a day-to-day is really important too. It's also okay if the things you feel and do are rooted in BPD because it is a real struggle and it takes shitloads of work to be mindful and present with all the chaos of life around us. Therapy therapy therapy.

It IS okay to have BPD/EDD. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with YOU or WHO you are. You don't have any obligation to divulge these facts about yourself to people you don't trust or that you are afraid will use them against you. You have the right to have the help you need and to feel the things you feel without being shamed. No one would do that to someone with diabetes, cystic fibrosis, arthritis, etc. People who would do that have issues of their own and don't deserve your attention.