YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So after looking up in the DSM I found that I exhibit or have exhibited 8 out of the 9 criteria for getting this diagnosis.
I am frightened that if I actually go and get diagnosed that it will negatively affect me. I'm sure that won't be the case but am very sure that it won't help in any matter. I don't know what to do. I think its not a death sentence but don't want to see what the next step is if I am diagnosed. I know this type of stuff takes a while to get a diagnosis but I think I will get diagnosed with something. Often times I feel like I should be drugged up on something. But thats probably my addict brain wanting something. I've been sober for about 3 yrs. I feel more sane than I ever have but this is lingering in the back of my head on real bad days. The anger is almost uncontrollable. The self image is overbearing at times. And depression eats at me along with its cousin anxiety. I know I need to go to a talk therapist but don't have time or the money. I make enough to pay for it but don't make enough to pay the bills of that and rent etc.
this is my attempt to get honest feedback from ppl who don't already support me. I'm afraid of what most my family and friends would think if I got this or some other diagnosis. They know I'm an addict (alcohol and weed). I know what you're thinking. Weed? Yes. That for me was so easy to just numb myself that I could couple it with drinking. That got me to a very bad place in my life.

I am currently trying to make up for that.

I used to be a cutter. I am scared of what my brother and sister in law will have to tell my niece when she is older and sees the scars all over my arms. I didn't hide it. I didn't want to at the time. I haven' self harmed in a while. But I traded cutting for cigarettes. I know what I need to do but I need others to tell me more. Ugh. Fuck this shit. Its such a goddamn burden even writing this. I also feel like its a burden to have this feeling of knowing whats going on and not doing anything about. I feel like I'm lost most of the time. And I don't want to deal with this stuff or anything else.

Well heres my first splash into the forums.
Also, I am a 27 yr old male. Not sure if that matters. I started cutting in highschool. If anyone knows anything about addicts you'll know we are master manipulaters and completely destructive. For me it was mostly to myself. I did hurt many people I care and cared about along the way. I just don't want that to continue or happen again.

Hey! Welcome.

Were I not exhausted, I'd offer you a proper welcome to your very interesting post.

It will have to suffice to say that I am very pleased you are a few years sober, and that you no longer cut.

I am also pleased to hear that you are willing to ask tough questions of yourself, particularly regarding a possible diagnosis. I hope things keep trending for the better for you. Take care.

Hi, AgainsttheGrain -
I like the spunk in your moniker, btw.
Gosh, you shared a lot and you are clearly striving to be honest with yourself and others and that takes courage - bravo for you.
But its also clear that there is so much pain....
I am not a professional so I can't/won't address a lot of what you state (for example, I have no experience with cutting) BUT I have had loved ones diagnosed with BPD by a professional and another who was "diagnosed" by family members.

You state you are concerned about the reactions of family or friends to any potential diagnosis.
Ask yourself who the diagnosis is for....

Some people find a diagnosis helpful because they feel it gives them a frame or label to help explain what is going on to themselves or to others....as if they felt something different was going on with them ....
And some people need it to get healthcare or some form of therapy and treatment
and some people find it a great excuse....as if a diagnosis was a free pass to not take agency over their actions (this is so sad, because it avoids dealing with life and makes it harder for those who strive to get to a better place)
and on and on
so....it figure out why you need to know (and it sounds like on some level you do, if only to figure next step...Then, determine who needs to know - you are not required to tell the world or the family table at Thanksgiving. Though sometimes family dynamics and secrets don't work well. Some will need to know to help them understand or because you want support.
and remember - this is not a choice to be ill, to have BPD if that is what it is...there is NO SHAME in a mental disorder....and seeking help and taking the steps to cope are admirable, not shameful.
So don't be so hard on yourself about this or worry so much about what others think - including your niece. Truth is kids get this sometimes easier than adults but they also for better or worse will take cues from the adults. But all you can do is be a loving presence in her life. What they say to her is not really in your control.
And that is the next thing I would say....as you know doubt know from battling an addiction - there is a lot of things in life we just have to let go and float on the tide with - waves of emotions or symptoms, the storms of stress or the riptide of other's expectations.
When you state:

Often times I feel like I should be drugged up on something. But thats probably my addict brain wanting something.

, it sounds to me like maybe you are right...that you are sensing a chemical need - I only say that because so many people I know who have had substance issues are often self-medicating and often those people are the ones who respond more to medicine (not sure if that is good or bad, its just is...)
It does sound like a good therapist would help and I know some people have posted here on ways to find low cost help....
aside from that IF its BPD, look into the work of Martha Linehan - a ground breaker in the field. Her dialectical therapy is far more effective than some other approaches for many BPD patients....and there are some books on Amazon as well (again...a good friends daughter was diagnosed) and some MAY be helpful to have on hand before you find a treatment/help/support group.

In the meantime, too, mindfulness/meditation can help with the impulsivity that goes with BPD...
Its scary but it doesn't have to be overwhelming. Posting here with such vulnerability was brave.
Don't be so hard on yourself...