YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I feel like I am going crazy because of the lack of control over my moods. Riding this roller coaster is not fun and I want off...but can't get off. I am so sick and tired of having the slightest things set me off all day long...good or bad, mostly bad. Nobody in my life understands this, and I am sure they are sick and tried of dealing with me as I am. I don't have $ or time for dr.s or therapy...besides that's a whole nother roller coaster I have been riding for 20+ years and not really wanting to get back on it.

Then I just beat myself up over the moodiness because I feel like I'm crazy and just over-reacting to everything, yet the feelings are so intense and feel so real and justified that I keep trying to explain to others in my life how much I am affected by everything, but just end up feeling more crazy because no one else "gets it!"

It really sucks to feel like there are no options for myself other then to continue to "white knuckle" it everyday and just continue to feel like I am slowly going crazier and crazier.

Any ideas or suggestions for others out there who have to deal with this crap on their own?

First of all, I'm giving you the biggest hug ever right now. I can so relate to what you wrote and the feeling that you have absolutely no control but no way to reach out either and the only way you can try to reach out only seems to frustrate your emotions more. What you're going through is real and valid, so don't let anyone make you feel that you are just being dramatic or overreacting.

Without knowing what is triggering your emotional rollercoaster right now I would say to just be really kind to yourself. Maybe try some mindfulness meditation - just sit or lie down, close your eyes, take some deep slow breaths and focus on everything present. There are a bunch of really good guided videos on Youtube if you need someone else's voice to distract you from the noise in your own head. Do something nice for yourself.

I also completely understand about the therapy rollercoaster: being broke and having no low-cost therapy options is extremely hard, not to mention finding a therapist that fits even if you aren't broke. But it's not hopeless. Many hospitals have outpatient groups for BPD/EDD focusing on DBT techniques, or there might be a DBT support group in your area. Don't give up on outside help. You are so so so not alone.

I hope this moment gets easier and the unpleasant ride comes to an end soon. Again, HUGE HUGS!

Thanks for the kind words and suggestions. I feel like I have an excuse for every suggestion given to me, but I feel stuck because everything seems like it is out of my control. I have very little, to no time for myself. I am a mother to two boys, 14 & 3; I work a full-time and part-time job; I have the responsibility for cleaning the house, laundry, dishes, pay the bills, grocery shopping, etc.; and trying to pay all the bills every month when my household budget doesn't cover it all.

I had a therapist for a while that wanted me to do DBT, but there was not way I could go to 2 hr. group therapy plus the 1 hr. individual. Then my therapist quit and besides not feeling the new therapist, I just couldn't afford any therapy.

And to be honest, there is a huge part of me that is just so sick and tired of being crazy and I don't want to work at getting better. I just want someone to wave their magic wand and fix me. Being crazy is mentally exhausting and I'm just so tired. It's so much easier just to give in and be crazy then to work towards getting better. Plus it's just so much easier and familiar to beat myself up on what a broken, crazy, damaged person I am.

See here I go...whine, whine, whine!!! On one hand I feel the pity party I throw myself is so justified, yet on the other hand I am such a whiner and cry baby. There are plenty of other people out there who have been through so much worse in their lives and have come out of it stronger and better. Yet here I am just sitting around whining and crying because Im not happy and depressed.

Sorry for the babbling...but this is just the perfect example of the debates that go on in my head all the time.

I totally hear you, and hey, if there was ever a place to "whine", this is it! Although I really don't think you're whining and your pity party sounds like a rager. I'll bring the cheetos of shame and fury

Jokes aside though, what you wrote reminded me of this scene I love from the movie Igby Goes Down where Bill Pullman's character totally flips his lid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9BGqJzlHLc It's not a pleasant scene, but I feel like it perfectly illustrates and sums up in a couple of sentences how life can feel a lot of the time, living with BPD.

I'm glad you're on here sharing your struggles, Cheesehead, because I really relate to them.

That was a great clip...thanks for sharing. It was something I so totally related to. The weight of my depression, OCD, BPD, compulsion issues, eating disorder, etc. is totally undescribable. The emptiness is what is really bothering me a lot lately. I used to have interests, hobbies, passions...and they are all gone now. I am an empty shell, and damn it is hard to have to get up day after day and pretend like it's all great! It's so hard to realize that now the only reason you get out of bed in the morning is because others depend on you to take of them. It's another day of taking care of everyone else but you. And on one hand it pisses me off that I have to take care of everybody and no one feels the need to take care of me, yet I don't believe I'm worthy of being taken care of so I wouldn't let anyone even if they wanted to.

Right now the majority of people just disappoint and drive me crazy. I would love to tell everyone, "Fuck you!" I would love to get that tatooed on the inside of my bottom lip so I could be able to "say it" without anyone knowing. But then again I probably wouldn't be able to resist pulling my lip inside out to show everyone!!

Every year at Christmas I keep joking to others on how I'm going to get myself a medically induced coma to be able to get away for a while. Everyone thinks it's a cute little joke, but I'm totally serious!