YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm in crisis (again), it's kind of a long story but I'll try to explain

Yesterday a friend was over and she left her facebook logged in on my computer. Before I logged it off I noticed she had been talking to my ex, and I was curious. I have issues with compulsively invading other people's privacy, it's something I'm trying to work on (don't even get started, I already hate myself for it)

So I looked at the conversations she's been having with my ex, and I found one message in particular. In this message, dated 6 months after my breakup, my ex was blaming me for their ongoing anger issues. They said they were still angry at me for being "manipulative" and "for making things so shitty for so long" they also said they were mad at themselves for "being a coward and not ending things sooner". The way they were talking, it sounded like they blame me for ruining their life.

I still see this person frequently, and I still have feelings for them that I can't control. I know I wasn't a fantastic girlfriend but I genuinely tried to be loving and supportive, and I thought our almost two year relationship had a lot of positives. When my ex broke up with me they simply said we had both changed, and I accepted that. I was dealing with mental illness for much of our relationship and I certainly went to them for support, but I never meant to be manipulative. I made it very clear from the beginning that I didn't want them to stay with me out of concern for my safety or mental health. I was dealing with a lot of really shitty stuff and I never wanted to cause harm.

These revelations are terrifying to me. I still have to spend a couple months in relatively close proximity to my ex and I don't know if I can do that now. I hate myself for causing them pain, and now I'm wondering how much other pain I am causing inadvertently. I do volunteer work, I support friends, I try so hard to make the world a better place but obviously I'm doing more harm than good. I'm not suicidal but I'm certainly questioning my existence. Even though I'm seeking help I continue to hurt those around me.

Of course it's possible my ex is exaggerating (no pun intended) but they tend to be pretty grounded and I'd generally trust their judgement. I don't know if I should talk to them and try to seek some closure, or just pretend nothing happened. We're on fairly civil terms now but there's still a lot of tension.

It just hurts so much because I already had trust issues, now I'm terrified that every relationship I thought was loving was just me fucking up again.

Hi Ziggy,

I wish I had your maturity and ability to insight at your age! I am 35.

hugs

Do NOT be so hard on yourself. You sound like you are facing a lot of emotional/mental health issues and the fact that as a BPD sufferer, you sustained a relationship that long is already an accomplishment. It ended.

Do not read too much into the comments on facebook, because there are so many possible things that could be going on here beyond raw unadulterated truth and you saw things that may be out of context. Like, revisionist history, which is a normal if not the normal reaction to break ups, as a way I think to make us feel able to move on emotionally, we focus on the bad more and the good less. His comments are about where he is right now in his own growth or stagnation and may be a process he needs to do so he a) feels less guilt for moving on or b) feels more able to cut ties or c) is trying to figure out where things went wrong so he can improve in the future or d) playing the "its not me" sympathy line to friends the way divorcing people do. Who knows.
He is now your ex and while you are responsible for what you may or may not have done during the relationship, as you say, he was aware of your issues and stayed until he didn't, you are not responsible for or in control of or answerable to his interpretations now.
And I can almost hear you now saying, but there is some truth in it or some such. And I do hear the pain and the hurt as well. But still, you do owe yourself a duty to figure out where you may have acted less than your best, figure out how to improve for the next relationship, but also to forgive yourself for it. And if you must apologize for any particular egregious incident, but I mean really awful, okay do it once but still move on. But for the more common incompatible lovers skirmishes, don't apologize. We all make mistakes when it comes to relationships.
You are clearly hurt and in pain and apologize all over the post for things you probably don't need to apologize for (like if someone leaves a FB page open on your computer, its an enticing thing to glance - its human nature) but do not let others define you, or throw you off your course. Listen to your gut and if there were positives, celebrate them. If he wants to whine about them, you can't stop him but you get to be the person with the more positive approach to this, it sounds like. Be proud of that.
As for him blaming you or finding you manipulative, most BPD experts state that the behavior may sometimes look that way but it really isn't. I don't know you and I don't know specifics but hey if he was with you, he owed you on some level to learn about the disease and try to understand you. And sorry, but anyone who gossips and blames behind your back with a so-called friend is just immature. IF the relationship was ongoing and he wanted to know how to respond, that is asking for guidance but its over, its snarky for him to be putting you down to others now and disrespectful. Don't apologize to him, he owes an apology to you. And why is this "friend" engaging in this conversation about you anyways?
You are worthy and special and I bet you are doing a lot of good in the world - you volunteer, you clearly care about others and you sound young. Be kind to yourself, its a long journey, as anyone on this forum can tell you. But rest assured, you ad to the world and you may not always know when you make a difference but I bet you do. Do not let others define you or label you.

Wow Cinnamon what a fabulous responce!! I have to admit that before reading it I was ready to bitch-slap the ex and friend!! But your post was perfect and really makes me happy that there are people out there like you who can explain "reality" so well and hopefully less like me who are so reactionary emotionally that it rules my life.

Ziggy...hugs to you! The way your mind is thinking is so like mine and can be so hard to deal with all the time. Be easy on yourself if you can!

Thanks Ziggy, but perspective is like anything else, we have to earn it the hard way.