Unrequited Love Issue

[Verlaine]

Hello,

I listen to the podcast and I post on another board, but I couldn't go to my board with this because the other person involved posts there and I don't want to air our laundry.

Last year I left my husband of nearly 13 years(I am female). It was a controlling and mentally abusive relationship. I basically had to flee with everything I could fit into a vehicle and move back to the small town I grew up in with my parents. I had no money, nothing. Now I have a job in the small town that doesn't allow me an independent living wage.

At the end of 2012, I met a man on the internet via messageboard. We eventually began talking on the phone daily. A few months later we met in person and went on our first date. He was so shy that I had to really put aside my own nervousness to make him feel at ease. I should also mention that he lives a couple of hours away.

We have seen each other on average one or two days per week for over half a year now. We go on excursions together and a few months ago he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said I would even though I was reluctant given the fact that I was fresh out of a long marriage. I have met his children and they like me. He has met my mother and she was very warm and welcoming. I feel that I am a good companion. I'm somewhat attractive, very generous and thoughtful and have a generally kind demeanor. I am also more than a decade younger than he is. My only downfalls are self-esteem issues that I deal with on my own and the fact that I live with my parents. I think I'm a good girlfriend despite this.

Tonight, I was talking to him on the phone and I asked him if he loved me(we have never said those three words) or if he was falling in love with me. His reaction was stagnant. It was a huge blow to my already fragile ego. Now I feel like for some reason I am unworthy of his love. I thought I was really good, now I have those doubts and dark feelings about myself creeping in.

His reaction to my question was shocking to me. He made me feel like he was in love with me.

Where do I go from here? Do I wait for him to come around and deal with this bump in the road in silence? Do I just give up on the idea of having a relationship with him?

If I break up with him, I'll go back to the way my life was a few months before I started talking to him...an invisible person going from work back to home in a tiny town. I fear that too.

[oak]

Hey! Welcome. Thanks for posting. Thanks for being willing to be so honest. I send hugs.

Also, super congrats for getting out of your abusive marriage! That is super!

Abusive relationships can be a matter of life and death, and I am glad you got away. I encourage you to heal, as much as you can. Gosh, these times in life can be hard.

Also, congrats on being open to a new relationship. That takes real courage also!

Also, congrats on impressing his children and the all important impressing of the mother! The mother's approval is the acid test of a new girlfriend.

As to your question, I can offer my thoughts, which are probably wrong, and are certainly sexist and heteronormative. Also, I am a rake, so buyer beware.

Typically it is the man who pursues, which includes asking someone out, setting up the logistics of the first date, etc.

Typically does the man say "I love you"? I know with my gf's I was always the first one to say it. Results may vary.

On the other hand, six months sounds about the right point in the timeline to say and hear that. It is kind of, IMO, the point where things will either get more serious (ie pre-engagement or at least exclusive) or the relationship will tend to end if one or more of the people are looking for said exclusivity.

As a straight dude, I encourage you not to dump him, but to give him a little emotional space to sort through his feelings. Sometimes guys need to spend a few days or a weekend doing stuff we like to think things through.

Be kind and patient with him, and listen carefully to what he has to say. Give him a little time, and a little space.

Be kind and patient with yourself.

You took a chance on love. Not everyone does that.

Taking a chance on love leaves us vulnerable to hurt, we expose ourselves so.

[Verlaine]

Thank you, oak.

I've been reading your posts and I appreciate how you take the time to absorb other people's issues and give them heartfelt advice. I really needed it tonight, so I owe you one. A man's point of view certainly doesn't hurt either.

I honestly feel like on top of my other good qualities that I do give him his space. I really like having my space too, so its a given.

I had been waiting for the past few weeks to see if he would say it and he didn't. Bringing it up was something that was a tough thing for me. I could have sworn that his actions lead to those thoughts. Its surprising that he doesn't love me. I feel like I did nothing wrong.

On top of that, I know that he's loved women that have treated him badly. I treat him like gold, so that's another thing that really making me feel like I'm worthless. "If he loved them, what's wrong with me?"

I like your advice though, I'll just have to find a way to hide my hurt, disappointment, and self-loathing as a result of this rejection in order to give him the space. I put it out there, so at least its not a game. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm too honest, I hope I can deal with the depression that this is giving and will continue to give me without acting mopey in his presence.

Normally, I'm very "alive" around him. I don't feel so "alive" now so its going to be difficult.

[Verlaine]

Also, I welcome anyone to share their tales or current issues on the subject of unrequited love. I think we've all had to deal with varying degrees rejection at some point.

[AlbertFiennes]

Hi Verlaine,

I want to second all the congratulations from Oak. That is a huge step to end a controlling, abusive relationship. Speaking from my own experience, it has taken a long time for me to unlearn the judgment and criticism I internalized during my 14 year marriage to my ex. One day, not long after we split, I found myself standing in the aisle at a grocery store, filled with a sense of lightness and freedom because I knew that whatever thing I bought, I would not have to explain why and how I chose it, nor would I have to suffer any rebuke if I forgot anything or bought something I didn't need to buy. I have an advanced degree (PhD) from a prestigious institution and a great academic career. And I was feeling free because I could buy groceries without dread about how I might be judged for performing this simple task. When I realized that, I was shaken to my core about the treatment I had accepted as "normal" for so long. So, good for you! You deserve love and respect and independence.

Two things really struck me about your post. First, you say that when you first met him, he wasn't really your type (I paraphrase here so apologies if this is too inaccurate) and you also say that he was so shy you had to take the lead in keeping the conversation moving. So, you were in the driver's seat so to speak. Does that feel really different for you? It seems to me that it might feel really good and unfamiliar, in contrast to your previous relationship.

The second thing that strikes me is that you describe being upset because he would not answer "yes" when you asked him if he loved you, however, you don't really talk about loving him. You title your post "unrequited love" but it really sounds like you want him to love you. But you don't talk/write about loving him (you sort of describe appreciating him, but that is a different thing), and you also say some things that suggest you struggle with truly loving yourself. So my honest question, for what it is worth is: Do you love and trust yourself, just you as you are, completely? If not, are you craving his love as a substitute for the love you are not able to give yourself?

My last observation: there is no substitute for the loving kindness you must give yourself. You deserve it, just as you are right now.

[oak]

Thank you for your kind words. I am glad my suggestions gave you some comfort.

Rejection stories, you say?

Today I invited out a young woman who caught my eye. She declined politely enough, but her friend laughed at me.

While I hesitate to put words in your mouth, I will thus use an "I" statement:

I took a chance romantically, and put myself out there. While I would have preferred a "yes", I recognize her right to say no. Further, I got a clear answer and can move on.

Still, it hurts.

Perhaps you can identify.

Of course, the flipside is the rejected/unrequited person in August can be the accepted/requited person in October. Thus, in a few months, weeks, or maybe tomorrow the person who rejected us today will have to accept the fact that we are with someone else

Lastly, your significant other may come through with a desired response. It could happen. Your story isn't over yet.

Whatever happens or doesn't happen, you took a chance on romance. You did well.