what's it supposed to feel like?

[resnullis]

Hello hello, I hope the new year is being gentle on you all so far

I've started dating a person I've loved from afar for the better part of a year. I am delighted and worried. It's been a while (a year and some change) since I've had a serious relationship and that one ended in some flames as seen in one of my shitstorm forum posts. I'm trying to take this slowly. Trying to remember that the way someone else feels about me is more about our compatibility than it is about our individual worth.

One of my stumbling blocks is this: when my last relationship ended, I found myself thinking "thank god, I will never have to have sex with anyone again". Throughout that relationship, I had sex because my then-partner wanted to. They orgasmed far more than I did, and even when I was able to climax I felt more relief at it being done than pleasure. I don't really understand the hype of sex. It seems that my partners consistently have a higher sex drive than me. This isn't to say I don't have any desire, but it seems entirely restricted to things I can do alone with myself and I have little want to bring anyone else into that space with me beyond being kissed and held. I feel a lot of pressure, especially as a masculine lesbian, to perform well and have this voracious enjoyment of sex, when in reality at best I don't hate being touched. I can pleasure my partners without feeling too much aversion, but I find myself floating out of my body and going numb when they try to reciprocate. I'm also super sensitive to smells and grow nauseous when it comes to taste, so going down on a partner means I need to go deep inside my head for fear of vomiting.

I've considered that I may be asexual. This is an identity that I can accept wholeheartedly in other people, but I don't want to claim this label for myself yet, especially when I must pick apart the handful of other influences that may be dampening my sexuality. I was sexually groomed at a young age by an older man -- he was my first kiss and first experience with arousal. I was raised catholic and still hold onto some of the guilt about sex (especially sex as a lesbian!). I'm on meds that are known for killing a libido, and I've been on these meds since I was a teenager smack in the middle of the years where people typically develop sexual attraction. I don't know what my sex drive would be like without medication. I also wonder if I've just never had "good" sex -- sometimes I wonder if someday I'll have a partner and finally it will click and I'll understand our culture's obsession with this silly human thing.

With this new partner, I felt relief when we had sex for the first time. It wasn't unpleasant, I actually mildly enjoyed it! I didn't feel the need to fake anything, none of the forced pornographic noises my last partner expected me to make, just breathing and quiet and asking her where it felt good. I was on my period so her touching me below my waist was not an option and I felt relief in this and joy when I was able to please her. I enjoy sex much more when I can focus on touching my partner rather than on being touched, it's much easier to stay in my body that way. We both cried after and talked about our experiences with trauma, and I was able to share some of my aversions to sex. She tells me it was a great experience and she can't wait to do it again. I want so badly to match her enthusiasm, to be excited about sex, when it seems the best I can do is not have a completely negative experience. I'd like to have a positive one, not just not bad!!! It's doubly nerve wracking because I am her first sexual partner, and I don't want to pass on any twisted views on sex that I may be holding. I want her to be able to experience an enthusiastic partner.

I've shared some of this with her, saying that I rarely let myself be touched and that I'm trying to say no to sex that I merely tolerate. But I don't think I've been honest about how deep the aversion is, and I don't know that I can trust myself to tell her no when I know how intense sexual rejection feels. I'm considering tapering off my meds. I want to at least eliminate the possibility that this is chemical. In a perfect world (ie my own neurotic little fantasy), I'd quietly adjust my medication and find that I'm truly a red blooded lesbian with an appetite and she never needs to know how much of a struggle sex was for me. I can say yes every time and do everything she wants me to do and smile through it all.

[snoringdog]

Hello Resnullis!

Welcome back, and Happy New Year.

Haven't taken in your post yet, but just wanted to say hello in the meantime...

SD

[brownblob]

I don't have any answers, but can sympathize. I am pretty nonsexual. I also would have those uncomfortable out of body experiences during sex. I would enjoy the closeness and pleasing a partner, but overall be more uncomfortable with my inability to experience it like everyone else. I suspect I had some early childhood trauma that makes me this way but I don't know. I am in a long term relationship with someone who due to medical problems isn't interested in sex anymore and to a certain extent this is frustrating and a relief at the same time.
It sounds reasonable to try seeing if the med is the problem. Good luck and take care of yourself.