YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So earlier today, I was in that awkward position where someone I'm not interested in at all was pretty aggressively hitting on me. Now, I'm terrible at rejecting people, even as diplomatically as "I'm flattered, but not interested, thanks," so my strategy was to stay engaged in the conversation and be friendly, but deflect any reference to dating or sex. I'm actually really good at this. The trick is to pretend she's talking about dating/sex in abstract, general terms, even though I know damn well her intent is very specific. The hope was that she'd get the hint and change the subject.

At one point, I said something like "I'm not really interested in getting into a sexual relationship at the moment. I like sex, but right now I just don't have the patience for everything that goes along with it." Which, by the way, is mostly true. I might be willing to make an exception, but not with her. It's just the way human attraction works -- there simply isn't any attraction there in that direction. Not her fault, not my fault, it's just life.

Anyway, she responded with a flirtatiously-charged "Well, you just haven't had very good sex then."

Now, this pissed me off. I mean, seriously ficking pissed me off. My brain is still kind of vibrating in my skull from it. Why? Because while it's not a direct insult against me personally, it's very much a direct insult against several of my favorite people from my past. Who were mind-blowingly awesome in the sack, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, she blatantly fucking insulted people I remember fondly and still care about, and she seemed to think it would score her points. I mean, holy fuck. Fuck you.

Yeah, I probably need to just take a chill pill and get over it. And I probably should have said "I'm flattered but not interested" the second I detected her moving the conversation in that direction, so the conversation never ended up there in the first place. I'll accept my share of the blame.

But I just needed to vent. I usually do this kind of venting on Facebook, but I can't this time, because she and several of her friends are also my Facebook friends, and I don't think this is an unfriend-level offense. So there's that.

Thanks for reading.

Thank you so much for posting. I have encountered this kind of assumptive aggressive "I am woman therefore you owe me for my sex creds" type of flirting over and over (and I know this happens more male to female but it is same dynamic of helplessness projected into power). For me it is a variation of the stories you hear of sex workers really hoping for intimacy. Her fantasy is if she bursts through your bubble all will be well. Just speaks - sadly - to her relationship addiction. Be comforted - you had the right feeling in deflecting.

My Poor Friend me,

She was, consciously or unconsciously, defining you and your past experiences. This is what made you angry. This is what controlling people do. Don't look at it as she was hurting your relationship and experiences with your past lovers. She doesn't have that power. She doesn't have that knowledge. She doesn't and cannot know how you felt about your ex-lovers. The best way to react to this type of statement is to tell someone to "stop it"! And do not give it any more energy than that. Do not argue it with them, because that gives credence to their statement.

I am learning this from an book I'm listening to called "Controlling People".

Don't vent on Facebook. Do it in this forum, or in private messages.

Take care