YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I have had some recent things happen that I really needed to put down here to try to exam whats going on with me. I'm a 30 year old virgin and have pretty intense social/sex anxiety. The furthest I've gotten with a women is making out and haven't ever had a women touch my penis nor I her vagina. I attribute my current situation to a few things.

1.) I have a pretty ingrained sexual fetish of macrophilia which is being turned on by women of godzilla like proportions. I have had this fetish ever since I was a young boy and thanks to the internet I found out pretty quick I wasn't alone in that regard. This however has led to a sort of self fulfilling prophecy that I wont be able to get an erection when the time comes. I've had multiple encounters with gorgeous women throughout my early twenties with some nice make out sessions but never made it any further. I either saw their lack of interest later on and stopped pursuing them or vice versa.

2.) I'm pretty sure I have some sort of underlying mental illness with anxiety and occasional delusions. Back in my late teens and early twenties I smoked pot heavily and used numerous psychedelics from mushrooms, DXM, LSD, MDMA. I had a friend who once a week we would chug ungodly amounts of cough syrup to get the ketamine/pcp like high from it. I did this until eventually my brain had enough. One night while working the night shift I began having delusions I was talking to my friend telepathically. I can't remember much of what I was thinking back then as this was back in 2005. I do remember telling my coworkers I have to go home and take a shower and left in the middle of my shift. I got in my SUV and headed home. The last few things I remember were hearing "faster" and pushing the gas pedal to the floor and then being woken up by firefighters using the jaws of life to pry open the SUV to get me out. I had plowed into a random persons home after flipping the SUV multiple times. I woke next in the ER with pipes going down my throte and my parents and a couple co-workers sitting around me. I had broken some ribs, punctured a lung and broke 2 vertebrae and an ear they had to reattach. I told my parents everything and I spoke with a person possibly a psychiatrist about what had happened. They deemed it a psychotic break or something I really don't remember but I wasn't forced into psych treatment. I made a full physical recovery however mentally I know its a very different story. I was a 10-12 beer a night functional alcoholic for the next 7 years when I just quit cold turkey in May of 2015. However in September this year I don't know why but I relapsed and got high on cough syrup again. I did it a few more times and eventually had a trip so fucked up I had to call my mother to pick me up and talk me down. This was about a month ago and I really don't want to do any more drugs or drinking my brain is just too fucking fried.

3.) I have severe social or specifically sexual anxiety. I am ok at talking to people I can be witty and hold a conversation quite well. However after being so isolated for the past decade I've being very anxious about physical and specifically intimate contact. I recently got the dating/hookup app tinder and thought it would be an easy non committal way of dipping my toe into meeting new people. It actually worked quite well. The past month I've been on a few dates that went well. Some were one off "Well that was nice" and never spoke with them again and a couple have gotten more intimate. Specifically the most recent one. I met an amazing woman who I'm kind of falling for. Shes a 3rd year medical student, incredibly beautiful smart extroverted world traveler. I even was able to come clear to her about being a virgin still and she was super cool about it. She said she had thought there weren't any nice guys left and said I was like a unicorn. I really really would like to pursue a relationship with her but I have a serious case of impostor syndrome and inadequacy when she describes her friend filled world traveling life and I struggle just to make conversation. Last night though things got strange, she smokes pot which I'm not opposed to and I made the mistake of having some. I took one big hit and held it in. I ended up getting so high I was shivering like it was freezing in her room under the covers. She seemed sympathetic that I had gotten too high and we just relaxed and watched a show on netflix. The next hour I laid there with a beautiful women who I would love to open up to completely silent while I got delusions of reference from the show we decided to binge watch.... I eventually snapped out of it and made a quick exit after a nice goodnight kiss. I apologized to her for turning into a statue that night and she seemed to be sympathetic. Even though she has made plans to possibly get together this weekend I'm positive I've completely blown it.

Today I decided to finally call the Employee Assistance Program that my mom has through her work to get counseling/therapy. Turns out I will get 6 free sessions with whichever person I can get the appointments with. The person working the phone asked what my situation was and I immediately started weeping. I explained the gist of things while choking back tears and I'm tearing up again.. I really want help, I really want to love and be loved. I hope this all can turn around and I can scrape together some semblance of a normal life. Thanks for reading if you have.

Love, One

Hi One!

I don't want to offer you advice because I just do not know enough about any of this to. I wanted to offer you my support though, especially on the romantic front with this lovely lady. I think in my past relationship I may have played the role she is to you now. I'm going to share this story because maybe you'll see what my thoughts are, but if none of this relates to you at all, that is Okay. You still have my support!

I was dating a man who has severe depression, and based on what I've learned thanks to Paul and his Guests, I suspect love avoidance tendencies and a narcissistic side. In this relationship, I wanted to do nothing more than support him and help him. Not fix him - I wanted to support his interests, his desires and strengths, but I am a very realistic person. He lacked any formal training as a Website designer and SEO officer, having been entirely self-taught, and abused alcohol. He also did not have any recognized formal schooling (illegally home schooled), he also lives in Amish Country (Is not amish himself, but this can't help in the Tech Industry and isolates him from any job centers) and his family is on the poorer side, and he has never held down a traditional job in any long term sense. All of this stuff looks very bad for a resume, and because of some previously emotionally abusive relationships he had taken down all of his websites and was slowly rebuilding his entrepreneurial ideas. I describe all of this because.. after a whirlwind courtship of a few months, where he seemed very emotionally invested in helping me with my Depression, my Anxiety, and my Grief over losing both my parents, after being enamored with my body but very hesitate to have any sort of sexual intimacy, pretty much all interest in me as anything other than a friend ceased. He would still come over every weekend and sleep in my bed, but he would not touch me intimately, and whenever I tried to start things, he was not up for it. I pressed, but I did stop when it became clear it was not going to happen. He eventually left me after I had no seen him in over a week and merely texted him 'I miss you.' I have been.. 'accused' of being forceful, of being desperate, of finding partners too quickly (First boyfriend and sexual partner in 5 years is apparently quickly), and finally being dependent (Which I acknowledge, I may be, but in my defense.. my Mother died less than a year ago. I think I can be a little needy.) among other things.

What I am trying to say is.. try not to let your fear cloud your judgement of this lady. Of course, she may not be the right person for you. There may be issues that can not be negotiated on. There may be problems further down the line. I also would say do not be quick to become intimate physically with his woman. That man I mentioned above, had his hands in my pants on the third date (Which I completely consented to), so perhaps we moved to quickly into our relationship and I did not find out about his negative traits and love avoidance until I was already emotionally involved. These therapy sessions you are having will hopefully be a huge help - Your description in #2 definitely makes it sound like you have some brain chemistry or issues from your past that need to be identified and taken care of. Your use of substances probably do not help, but that is between you and your doctors. I really think you need support during this time of huge transitions and this lady may be the one to provide, but her use of Pot may rule her out. You need someone who will support you, not expose you to these, but that is your call to make. I urge you to not shut this woman out of your life, but to take things slow, and to be strong in asking for support if she is to be in your life. This is a hard time for you, and you do not need saboteurs (another example from my Ex.. he has a friend whom he once complained to me for hours about how emotionally and verbally abusive this guy is, how he uses him, how he's so boring and far into drinking.. and how he doesn't like hanging out with him, but one of the last things I heard from my Ex was he might become a tech manager for this guy's band. I rest my case.). This woman may want to, like me, be a support for you. She may want to help you, to support you, to encourage you..and this might be read as 'to fix you', a legit thing to look out for, but not always the case. Only you can change you, but outside support is a huge help.

I am sorry for spending so much of this talking about me and my ex, but I saw a reflection and as someone who might be in the opposite position, I wanted to comment. Please take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, and I look forward to hear reports back on these therapies and hope that they prove to helpful and you can get access to more resources to help.

- Apple

Thanks Apple! Everything you said sounded very reasonable. I definitely had been love avoidant the past couple years as I focused all my energy on sobriety, work and school. I hope to be open with her and she can hopefully take me as the work in progress that I am.

A little update on the whole situation with her. She texted me today saying that she had felt really bad about her ex boyfriend last night and decided she wasn't ready to start dating again but that we could remain friends. It sounds like a generic rejection to me but she honestly could be having struggles her self. She said she was still up for getting together to do some shopping tomorrow but now I'm terrified its going to be super awkward. I would love to stay with her as a friend as god knows I need more friends.

Thanks again apple for the words of wisdom.

- UPDATE -

I visited the therapist who is an LCSW and it was felt great to just vent all of the things pinging around in my head. The therapist seems to know what hes doing but after 2 sessions we have yet to touch on any ways to manage my anxiety and depression. He is a proponent of CBT and says he will go over that with me next time we visit. I only have 4 more sessions paid for by my mom's employee assistance program and then I'll have to find someone else network with my own and see if I can afford it. I was thinking about finding a licensed psychiatrist as I seem to have some pretty deep issues that would need serious analysis to really get to the root of them. I'll keep this thread updated with my progress.

As for the loneliness and dating stuff. I was really broken up about not being able to pursue anything with the woman I previously mentioned. When she told me she had felt really bad about her ex and didn't want to start dating I could understand. She also explained later that I'm what she calls a rare "nice guy" and that she felt that I would have been a rebound hookup and she didn't want to put me through that as she could tell I wanted a relationship and she wasn't ready for one. I found out later that the night prior to telling me that she had hooked up with another women. One who I had gone on a date with maybe 3 weeks prior as they turned out to have been really good friends. This really fucked me up as I really liked her and the inadequacy dump trunk paid me a visit with a full stinky load. I've tried to rationalize it as best I can knowing that I'm sort of a broken person who with my anxiety I couldn't make a move on her and she sought that elsewhere.. We have become very close friends now however. I've opened up to her about all my anxiety issues and how lonely I feel. She seems very understanding and willing to be there for me to maybe help me break out of my shell. One thing I'm not sure if I'm making the right move on or not is I'm moving in to her rent house as she has an open room. I felt like it was a good thing in that I will be saving money since I'm part of the working poor and have trouble paying bills even in my 500sqft studio apt. Also I would have company from time to time when we're home we can hang out. I do know however that I still harbor deep feelings for her. The rational side of my brain tells me. "its only because you haven't opened up with anyone else" and "Once you find another person to open up with the feelings will fade". I'm going to remain positive and try to see this as social training wheels to start interacting with people outside of the work environment and build normal relationships.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for readying, being there to talk to guys.

UPDATE:
So I moved in with the woman mentioned before. This is day three and I finally got some sleep last night as moving to a new place makes my anxiety flare up a bit. Also I made the mistake of smoking some weed with her.. I don't know what has changed in my brain from now and back when I used to smoke on the regular but I got pretty high anxiety and paranoid delusions. Everything we spoke about or watched had a dual meaning linked to me, my sexuality, or my feelings for her that I still cant seem to let go.. I told her about being really anxious and that I had these strange delusions buzzing around in my head. She was understandably somewhat scared and surprised and I told her that I felt I had somehow forced my way into her life and felt guilty about it. She assured me it wasn't the case and we dropped the subject. That night that we smoked I didn't fall asleep until 6 am and was up at 8 and couldn't fall back asleep. We went to a really hip ramen shop the next day. Even there with my lack of sleep and heightened anxiety I was still paranoid and anxious. I don't know what has changed in my brain from when I used to smoke weed all the time until now but good lord does it fuck me up now. Needless to say I won't smoke any more weed.

I really hope I didn't make a horrible decision to move in with a woman who rejected me romantically and I still harbor feelings for. Hopefully I can get rid of these romantic feelings and move on to just being friends. I feel like shes one of the most amazing women I've met yet I know she only sees me broken anxious bundle of nerves.. I'm still trying my best to make friends and get out of my own head but its really hard.

I hadn't met with the therapist again since last I wrote. I missed the appointment last week after it slipped my mind with work and packing and school. I have another appointment on the 30th and hopefully I can get some info from him about CBT which he seems to think is a good method to control my anxiety. However I'm thinking I have some pretty deep depression as well which I will bring up with him also. The past 2 weeks randomly I've been on the verge of tears or have flat out sobbed out of the blue on numerous occasions even ducking away in the stock room at work and crying. I don't know if its depression or if I've started using it as a way to relieve stress. I may visit a p doc or a doc to look into an anti depressant as I have heard they can be effective for both anxiety and depression. I would like to see if the talking route will get anything done though first but I only have 3 more free sessions with the current therapist.

As always thanks for reading and I'll keep this thread updated with any new developments.