YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

hey all. I just found out my partner, who I live with, has gone on Craigslist for m2m sex. Only twice since we've been together (4 years). He gets blow jobs and leaves. He says he likes to dominate men. He says he feels awful after. I guess the second time he tried it was to reconfirm he felt awful the first time.
I was so happy with him until I found this out. Honestly it's not the nature of the infidelity but the infidelity itself, twice even. He's upset that he did the gay thing more than he cheated I think. I know it's not uncommon and I honestly don't care what kind of sex it was. My problem is we agreed to be monogamous. In the past I dated a man who was upfront with his bicurious past and it really didn't affect our relationship, he was monogamous, as was I, we split for different reasons.
My partner could have told me about his feelings. I have asked out right along with establishing that I was ok with being with someone bicurious/bisexual but that I need (rightly or wrongly) monogamy. I feel really disrespected as well as betrayed. Mostly I feel sad. I'll miss the best love and comfort and friendship I've ever felt. I wanted to work it out, he gave me a list of his grievances about me (I'm depressed etc., true, must be hard to live with for sure) and I think we're done. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. I want my life back.

Thanks for venting here Bridget. Being betrayed sucks. The feeling of loss sucks. But, don't repress the feelings. Sit in them for a while. Don't make a normal reaction a "bad" thing and wish it to go away the first time you feel it.

You may not be done. Only you will know that. Give it time to sink in. If the relationship is worth saving, then try to save it by having normal, more personal talks with your partner. At some point, all partners will disappoint you, hurt you, and so on. How many people in this world set out to hurt someone intentionally? The percentage is small. We do things like cheat, self-medicate, and so on, because it feels good in the moment. Not because we want to hurt those close to us. Our minds are easily led astray, or we are weak, and give in easily to temptation. To limit temptation, we need to learn how to talk to each other better, and without getting too uncomfortable hearing things that we might not want to hear, but need to hear. Every long-term relationship will have its challenges. Also, we need to learn how to deal with loss, because it is inevitable. Wayne Dyer use to say "we have to die while we are still alive." I like this thought. I use it to not get too attached to anything. People, things, places. Love them. Learn how to let them go when the time is right, but don't be too hasty about letting go at the first sign of trouble.

When my parents died, I saw how sad for a man to disappear instantly. All his tools, his clothes, his money, is all given away. Things that were once very important to him, now worthless items just sitting around. I watched my mom, who was terminally ill with cancer, wait until near the end to give away all her jewelry (most of it not valuable) to her daughters and granddaughters. You look at your own life and know that nothing around you is yours. It's just an illusion that it is yours. We get excited about worldly possessions for a while, but they are actually meaningless. I hate to say that other people are meaningless to us, but it all has a shelf-life. Some relationships we will have until we die, and some will end much sooner. Enjoy what you have while you have it or are doing it. That is all you can do. It's all been said before, but we need to hear the lesson over and over again to stay in the proper mindset.

Good luck.
InmyMind

Wow. That is beautiful and just what I needed to hear. Thank you so much.