YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

After going more years without a date or girlfriend than I'd care to admit (okay, 3 and 9, respectively), I might might might be going on a date this weekend.

http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.ph ... nine+years

I did get a number this week, which is a huge step forward.

Thanks to buspirone, modest exercise, and modest efforts at "relaxing", I am less-anxious. I've also taken small steps, however imperfectly, to dress better (I bought new shoes today) and focus more on others when talking to people.

I've noticed that while talking to women (I identify as a hetero cis dude), I am getting that signal: where they laugh and toss their hair back.

I certainly hope she shows at the date we discussed. I would be sad if she didn't come, but would honor her agency.

I'll post here Sunday to report as to if (1) she shows (2) if we have fun.

Sometimes hope triumphs over experience.

I offer some advice I heard somewhere along the way:

"If you find yourself failing more than you like, maybe it's time to change your definition of success."

By my reckoning, you've succeeded already, whether she shows up or not. Though it would be nice if you don't have to dine alone.

@How: Thanks! I consciously applied your advice.

It turns out she cancelled.

(I say all the following sincerely.)

I completely honor her agency: I don't want to her to text or see me if she doesn't want to.

I saw her today, and defused any tension by kindly (I hope) and lightly chatting about salsa. I hope she did not feel any discomfort from me. I got her to laugh a little.

All that being true, if I honor her agency, she also gets an opportunity to honor my agency.


The Rest of the Story

As soon as I found out Friday she wasn't coming I put on the shoes I bought for this date and went to the venue to cancel the reservation.

I had no reservations about chatting up every attractive woman at the venue. While none of those conversations turned into a right-then date, I did meet some lovely people. So many nice people out there!

When she cancelled I admit my pride was hurt. I had hopes of a potential romance, or fun, or at least getting to know someone a little better. Instead, nothing happened.


A few days later, when I saw her today, I realized two things:

(1) I had to go politely chat her up so things wouldn't be awkward. The main reason I did this, not so nobly, is because I really like buying things where she works.

(2) Keeping in mind the meme "It is not about winning, it is about sending a message", I was resolved that same moment to make sure she saw me chat up every attractive woman within sight. I chatted up several of her very attractive coworkers with charming nonsense, making them laugh.

I wish this original woman well. Going forward I'll be glad to see her and I'll always have a friendly hello for her. Even though she didn't show, she gave me something of a chance. I appreciate that!

I also am very interested in pursuing some of her coworkers, and will indeed do so. If she likes that or not, such is me exercising my agency. Such is the settled case law of Fairness vs. Love and War.

It is with admiration that I write this: you are a true hero, and you are living your life with intention and honor.

Thank you, Manuel Moe. I appreciate your kind words.

I hope things turn around for me soon. In the meantime, your encouragement means a lot.

Update!

While I may see this original person in a few hours (I am out of salsa), I am pleased to report that I am probably going on a non-date with someone else this Thursday.

It is not a date, but to deny it is a date, it is a date. Unless it really isn't a date, in which case it will be a chance to connect with someone. Either way awesome! I think there is a 2/3 chance she'll show.

Another update

(I'll refer to the following trope, which as I'll demonstrate below actually happens: in the movies where a woman is kissed she'll gently kick one foot straight back at the knee, so she's standing on one foot for a moment? That's the flirty little gesture I'll refer to in a moment.)

Stung, and a bit hurt by disappointment a week ago, I've been careful to dress better and "get out more".

Exhausted after a long day at work, I chatted up the attractive woman at the counter while ordering some takeout. Straightedge for years, I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. But I'll be addicted, to the day I die, when women look through their eyelashes to flirt, as she did right then. I won't ever not be addicted to the eyelashes gambit.

Having ordered, I sat down to wait, playing Pokemon Go. For no good reason, and me being the only person around, she ambles out, and for equally no good reason, adjusts the napkin dispenser. For good measure she did the standing on one foot thing, which = dreamy!

If I get a chance (ie see her again and get the signals) I'll find the courage to invite her out.

Though I will deny flirting at work under oath in any court in America, the other day at work, while sitting there waiting, a colleague sent flirty signals, much to my surprise and delight. A dreary Wednesday morning and corporate America can't stamp out human connection.

I say all this not to prove what an awesome Cassanova/Valentino/Elvis I am (I'm not), but to demonstrate that if one person rejects me (which is their agency) and does so with poor manners, that doesn't mean other people won't find good in me. And that things can turn around quickly. Much like Andy Dufresne, sometimes I have to crawl through some crap to find hope.

This week someone else cancelled on me.

Per HowDidIGetHere's excellent (outstanding, really) posts about trying to meditate according to Buddhist principles, maybe the beauty is in The Struggle.

As a 40 year old, which is not all that old, I suppose it would be easier not to try to make friends or date at this age.

Maybe the reason I was given two feet was to use them to introduce myself to new people.

Still, I am very sad and lonely.

I've got another (officially) non-date with another person. I have a good feeling she'll show.

I'll post here in about a week with an update.

Like.

Perseverance. Double like