Did CSA destroy my sexual identity?

[Bioluminescence]

Has anyone struggled with their sexual orientation and identity after CSA? I'm a survivor (I think) and I'm bi (I think), but that entire part of my person is shut down. People always say they 'knew' their orientation by the time they were teenagers. I'm 30 and I'm still scratching my head over the whole thing. Libido-slaying SSRIs don't help obviously.

I've looked around, but nothing (save a forum or two) addresses the whole CSA vs identity thing. My friend and I share the same confusion. Do you? I don't see a lot of people talking about a loss of identity and that's something I'm really struggling with.

Everyone makes knowing what/who they want in sex, romance, and relationships look so easy. But I'm having a hell of a time. It's like someone stuck all of that behind a wall. Men? Women? NBs? Toasters? I have no idea and that makes me feel like a fraud, especially with an embattled group like bisexuals. I hate the thought of just being another confused straight girl trespassing into the spaces of queer people and survivors.

Does anyone else feel like their identity as a sexual person has been altered, stunted, or robbed by CSA? That their orientation is just a big question mark?

[brownblob]

I don't know that I really experienced CSA. The things I remember I'm not sure count as CSA and I'm afraid to probe deeper into that area. My sexuality is definitely stunted. In my 20's, I started to question my sexuality a little bit because of this. I mean I felt straight, but I really wasn't getting into sex like other people do. I decided to try gay sex just to see if it would do something for me, but as soon as I met up with this guy I realized I'm not interested in doing this at all. I quickly fled.
I know this is probably not the response you are looking for, but this is my experience.

[oak]

Hey! Thanks for sharing.

I encourage you to give yourself some patience and grace: sexual identity/orientation is a fluid and mosaic thing. I am told this is especially true for women around your age.

While I can't speak for the LGBT community, it is my understanding that, compared to the old binary shibboleth of gender and sexual orientation, there is a more inclusive view of gender and sexual orientation identities. ie in the old days we got stamped with either male or female, gay or straight. Nowadays these things are more on a continuum, and those identities can change.

As far as what type of person you're attracted to, perhaps you can consider it on a person by person case. This could be a sexy and fun exercise for you!

You're on the right track because you're asking the right questions.

I think you're going to be okay.

[Bioluminescence]

@brownblob No, please feel free to share. Knowing other people are struggling with their sexuality is a big relief. Not the struggling bit, but that I'm not so damn far behind. Chatting with others helps things click. That's my experience, anyway. So you're welcome to stay in thread if you like.

@oak Thanks! I'm try. It definitely took me a few threads in different forums to even articulate these questions. Huge succeeded?

Things are definitely becoming more fluid, which does make it less arbitrary. I've been coming around to the person-by-person approach, but I'm a big fat people pleaser. The idea of hurting someone because I can't orientation is mildly terrifying. I think part of my problem is that I don't want to be straight. It's very threatening for some reason, which is probably a clue to other stuff. But so it goes.

Thanks for the replies, guys. I appreciate it.