YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

This is a two-part post, both parts pertaining to my dad. If you have time to review the entire post, I would greatly appreciate any feedback. Thanks!

PART I
I am a 28 year-old female. When i was around 14 years old, my dad spanked me. It was not a disciplinary spank- he walked up behind me and gave me a huge slap on my ass just for fun. This happened in the presence of both my mother and my older brother. Neither of them did or said anything about it. I remember feeling extremely violated and angered. My face turned red and hot, and I couldn't believe that had just happened and that no one was going to step in and say anything as this was highly inappropriate. My dad only did this one time. He never molested me, touched me sexually or spoke to me in a sexual manner. He did, however, go to the bathroom with the door open all the time. I would constantly see him shitting and pissing and yell at him to close the door. I would tell my mom to please tell him to close the door when he uses the bathroom, and she would yell at me to "respect my father". With that said, I have never had any real relationship with him and still don't to this day. I hate him, not for the specific spanking incident, but because he is a shit dad. He's passive, uninvolved, and was completely emotionally and mentally absent as a father. I don't know him, and he doesn't know me. I always hated him giving me hugs growing up, and I always got "creepy" vibes from him, even though he did not molest me. Nowadays, I constantly think about this spanking incident and can't get over it. How severe was this? I only recently told anyone for the first time, first my therapist, and second my brother a few months later. My brother didn't remember it and was completely unequipped to handle and respond to this news. Should I tell my mother about this? I only see or talk to my dad once a year at Christmas. Should I bring it up to him? Or cut off contact with him?

PART II
My dad who is mentioned in Part I was married and divorced once before he met and married my mother. My dad is old enough to be my grandfather (76), therefore I have four half-siblings from his first marriage who are old enough to be my parents (they are in their 50s). Three of my half-siblings are my father's biological children, and one is an adopted child. The adopted daughter is completely estranged from the entire family, and I have not seen her since I was a toddler. I did not grow up around any of my half-siblings, and they all have children who are older than I am, so needless to say I am not close with them nor do I feel comfortable bringing up this subject with them. (I see them once every few years). There is another layer to this- my father is white/Caucasian, and my mother is South Korean. My mother is 15 years younger than my father. My father's first wife was white/Caucasian, and their adopted daughter was from South Korea (like my mom). Here's my point: I think my adopted half-sister was sexually abused. My instincts tell me this. I have no proof of it. It's just a feeling I have, given the information above and my dad's general creepiness. I once showed a friend of mine a baby photo of myself. In the photo, my dad is holding me and my mother is standing on one side, with my adopted half-sister on the other side (she looks to be in her teens or twenties in the photo). The friend pointed to the adopted half-sister and said "Is that your mom?" I said "No, that's my mom. THAT's my adopted half-sister." and pointed to her in the photo. The friend involuntarily made a disgusted face, pulled his head away and said "Eww." He immediately felt embarrassed and said "Wow I'm so sorry, it's just that this photo just gave me chills down my spine." He knows nothing about my family history or my relationship with my dad, yet he had the exact same instinct from just a picture alone. I want to reach out to my half-sister, but I'm so afraid. I've never met her. Whenever I bring her up to my parents, they get very defensive and ask me why I ever care to know about her. She's my "sister", isn't she? I think it's heinous that the entire family is okay with not being in contact with her, and I'm the only one who is trying to find the truth in all of this. It also goes to show how much of a shit dad my dad really is, not caring at all that he's not in contact with one of his daughters, even if he didn't abuse her. I know this is a long post, but please share your thoughts and/or advice! Thank you.

Thank you for using your words. I'm glad you did.

We are only as sick as our secrets.

I encourage you to trust your gut. Because, 14 is too old for that.

Hi Oak,

Thanks for your reply. In response to your comment "14 is too old for that", I agree entirely, but I want to note that the spanking incident was NOT disciplinary, therefore I would argue that it wouldn't have been appropriate at ANY age. I was spanked numerous times as a child for disciplinary reasons. This incident was different because my dad just did it light-heartedly out of nowhere, the way an adult might do with their significant other. Although I do try to trust my gut, I'm not sure how that should manifest in my behavior/decisions. I struggle with the ideas of cutting off contact, trying to reach out to my half-sister, etc. These ideas scare me. Also, do you know how I can edit a post?

Thanks

It is invisible, but there, just to the left of the exclamation point in the triangle.

Oh I see, thanks.

Hi Maddie,

The actual act is not as important as how you feel about it. If the spanking incident is still bothering you after all these years it was significant. The fact that your father also used the bathroom with the door open would also qualify as covert incest. It's awful that your mother didn't stand up for you while any of this was happening. As far as cutting off communication with your dad, only you can decide that. I cut off communication with my shit dad when I was younger and I've never regretted it, but that's a personal decision. I wouldn't bother telling your mother about this incident. I have the feeling she will just downplay it and say it was nothing.
As far as the half sister, it's obvious something was wrong there or she wouldn't be estranged from the whole family. It's impossible to know the whole story, but if your dad was creepy ...

Thanks for sharing your story. That is so fucking creepy and I am so sorry you had to experience that. I have memories like this of my Dad that are burned into my mind and make me feel completely alienated, unsafe and creeped out around him. Why any grown man would think it was appropriate to touch the bottom of any girl or woman without permission is mind boggling. Because the patriarchy is so disgusting and sends the message that female bodies are completely for public consumption, he probably thought it was fine, that it was playful, a comment on your blossoming body. That said, it is absolutely NONE of these things, it is 100% sexual abuse and extremely violating and I am sorry.

My Dad once held my hand when we were out for a walk and I remember feeling that exact "this feels gross" feeling. My brother used to comment on my body all the time, "wow, those pants are tight." Its violating, abusive and has a very real effect. You don't have to confront anyone or tell anyone in your family, but you do owe it to yourself to admit the hurt this has caused you and have the right to explore this in therapy.

Sending hugs.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and share your stories. It is extremely helpful!