Fetish shame making me feel non-human
Posted: May 3rd, 2019, 12:18 pm
Hi. I sent this thing that's been bothering me to the mental podcast in shame and secrets but it never got read. I know it's likely there are just a lot of submissions, but part of me still thinks it wasn't read because it was too creepy/way too weird.
I'm asexual, I've never felt attraction or a desire to be with anyone in that way, I don't think about sex. I finally found out I was asexual in my early twenties and was glad to meet people who are the same way. I almost felt for the first time like I belonged to a community, but this fetish is the one thing that makes me feel like I can never belong anywhere, I am just too weird, so I don't even fit in with other asexuals even though there are lots of asexual people who have fetishes. I know it's not something I need to feel ashamed of, especially since it isn't causing harm to myself or anyone, but I do and I want to get over it. I want there to be a reason that I don't have to carry this burning weight inside me anymore, this self hate and disgust. I tried talking about it on a forum for the specific fetish I have but even there I didn't feel I fit in because people on there aren't ashamed of their fetish and I felt like talking about how I felt about it also made people on there offended like I was also judging them as well as myself. I don't judge them for their fetish, it's purely self-centric. But I immediately started being low-key cyberbullies on there and left promptly and deleted all my posts, I felt stupid. The other reason I didn't quite fit in there was because of the nature of my fetish. I am sexually aroused by tears and crying but it is purely in fantasy or fiction, I am not aroused to see people or animals in pain in real life. My fantasies are also very benign, no incredibly sad subject that leads to the person crying, usually something trivial that they easily bounce back from. Otherwise I accidentally make myself sad and it is no longer arousing. I have some form of dacryphilia basically. I learned I had it when I was 14 and was completely traumatized for most of my teen years by it and there was no one I could talk to about it. All I wanted (and still want) was to be a regular girl with no fetish. I had no problem being straight, gay or anything in between, I just didn't want a fetish. But there it was and it's a facet of myself I have to learn to accept.
I feel like everyone can see or sense there is something off about me the same way people or animals can sense when someone is a psychopath. As a result I have a slew of problems relating to my outer appearance. I am desperate to keep up an appearance and not ever let it slip that I am actually very creepy. I also have disordered eating tendencies as I feel disgusted with my body or myself in general randomly and it is usually worse after I eat or if I can't go out to exercise from bad weather. As a result I go back and forth between regular eating and starving/binging. I am thin/average but I think my health is garbage from my erratic diet. I get sick a lot and sleep terribly. I do it sometimes out of self harm.
My fetish arouses me sexually and I have only one fantasy that makes me orgasm and it's been the same one I've had since I was very little, younger than 5 and it's from fiction.
I have other problems that have come about as a result of my fetish shame that are a daily bother. I have Pure-Obsessional OCD that used to be very bad. I thought I was a pedophile and into beastiality, my dad, and a lesbian, and was terrified to look at or have any physical contact with my dad, children, animals and my own school friends and sister when I was a teenager. Gradually most of these fell away, and I was over most of these fears by the end of high school. The lesbian fear I feel bad about because I am not homophobic, I would have no problem now being gay or non-heterosexual. I didn't have a problem with LGBT even while I had the fear of being one myself. It sprung up because I was being bullied so badly everyday, kids were calling my homophobic slurs constantly, even on the bus out their windows at me while I was walking home. I consider myself part of the LGBT community now that I know I am asexual, and I am proud of that. That is my revenge against them.
The one fear that hasn't left me is that I am attracted to my dad and have intrusive thoughts and tactile sensations of grabbing his penis. I almost always am bombarded by these unwanted thoughts and an unwanted groinal response after I hug my dad and I will immediately go to my room and have a shutter-cringe attack. It's awful. My dad is awesome and I love him. He has know idea. I believe I have this fear because a small part of me is afraid I am not truly asexual and I am just attracted to my dad. It's beyond awful and I hate it.
I've tried to kill myself a few times in the the last few years. I'm in my late 20s now, scared and only have one friend outside my family. I am close to my family and love them, but we have a dysfunctional relationship. My mom is sometimes verbally abusive to my sister and I. My dad is critical of my work and my grandma was also critical of me. My sister and I are best friends. A lot of the shame comes from the fact that my family knows about my fetish. It is horrible. They found out about it long before I even knew what it was. I had no inhibition as a child and would openly masturbate to the scene from a movie that still is my sole source of sexual gratification. I stopped one day when I was about 7 or 8 and my sister saw me and told me to stop. I felt disgusted and did immediately, but continued to masturbate to that scene privately. My sister years later found a window I'd left open on the computer and I'd forgotten to close it, and it was the scene from that movie. She told me she'd seen it and I don't really remember what else she said now, I only remember she looked uncomfortable. I knew she couldn't help it (we were both young, she was probably 15 and had no idea what I was doing) and I didn't take it personally. But that moment is the foundation of my fetish shame. The person I am closest to seeing that side of me I am so mortified of. I've never been able to get rid of that shame from that memory.
So there that is and it is long and weird. I don't really know how to end this. I'm sorry if I caused gross feelings. Talk to you later.
I'm asexual, I've never felt attraction or a desire to be with anyone in that way, I don't think about sex. I finally found out I was asexual in my early twenties and was glad to meet people who are the same way. I almost felt for the first time like I belonged to a community, but this fetish is the one thing that makes me feel like I can never belong anywhere, I am just too weird, so I don't even fit in with other asexuals even though there are lots of asexual people who have fetishes. I know it's not something I need to feel ashamed of, especially since it isn't causing harm to myself or anyone, but I do and I want to get over it. I want there to be a reason that I don't have to carry this burning weight inside me anymore, this self hate and disgust. I tried talking about it on a forum for the specific fetish I have but even there I didn't feel I fit in because people on there aren't ashamed of their fetish and I felt like talking about how I felt about it also made people on there offended like I was also judging them as well as myself. I don't judge them for their fetish, it's purely self-centric. But I immediately started being low-key cyberbullies on there and left promptly and deleted all my posts, I felt stupid. The other reason I didn't quite fit in there was because of the nature of my fetish. I am sexually aroused by tears and crying but it is purely in fantasy or fiction, I am not aroused to see people or animals in pain in real life. My fantasies are also very benign, no incredibly sad subject that leads to the person crying, usually something trivial that they easily bounce back from. Otherwise I accidentally make myself sad and it is no longer arousing. I have some form of dacryphilia basically. I learned I had it when I was 14 and was completely traumatized for most of my teen years by it and there was no one I could talk to about it. All I wanted (and still want) was to be a regular girl with no fetish. I had no problem being straight, gay or anything in between, I just didn't want a fetish. But there it was and it's a facet of myself I have to learn to accept.
I feel like everyone can see or sense there is something off about me the same way people or animals can sense when someone is a psychopath. As a result I have a slew of problems relating to my outer appearance. I am desperate to keep up an appearance and not ever let it slip that I am actually very creepy. I also have disordered eating tendencies as I feel disgusted with my body or myself in general randomly and it is usually worse after I eat or if I can't go out to exercise from bad weather. As a result I go back and forth between regular eating and starving/binging. I am thin/average but I think my health is garbage from my erratic diet. I get sick a lot and sleep terribly. I do it sometimes out of self harm.
My fetish arouses me sexually and I have only one fantasy that makes me orgasm and it's been the same one I've had since I was very little, younger than 5 and it's from fiction.
I have other problems that have come about as a result of my fetish shame that are a daily bother. I have Pure-Obsessional OCD that used to be very bad. I thought I was a pedophile and into beastiality, my dad, and a lesbian, and was terrified to look at or have any physical contact with my dad, children, animals and my own school friends and sister when I was a teenager. Gradually most of these fell away, and I was over most of these fears by the end of high school. The lesbian fear I feel bad about because I am not homophobic, I would have no problem now being gay or non-heterosexual. I didn't have a problem with LGBT even while I had the fear of being one myself. It sprung up because I was being bullied so badly everyday, kids were calling my homophobic slurs constantly, even on the bus out their windows at me while I was walking home. I consider myself part of the LGBT community now that I know I am asexual, and I am proud of that. That is my revenge against them.
The one fear that hasn't left me is that I am attracted to my dad and have intrusive thoughts and tactile sensations of grabbing his penis. I almost always am bombarded by these unwanted thoughts and an unwanted groinal response after I hug my dad and I will immediately go to my room and have a shutter-cringe attack. It's awful. My dad is awesome and I love him. He has know idea. I believe I have this fear because a small part of me is afraid I am not truly asexual and I am just attracted to my dad. It's beyond awful and I hate it.
I've tried to kill myself a few times in the the last few years. I'm in my late 20s now, scared and only have one friend outside my family. I am close to my family and love them, but we have a dysfunctional relationship. My mom is sometimes verbally abusive to my sister and I. My dad is critical of my work and my grandma was also critical of me. My sister and I are best friends. A lot of the shame comes from the fact that my family knows about my fetish. It is horrible. They found out about it long before I even knew what it was. I had no inhibition as a child and would openly masturbate to the scene from a movie that still is my sole source of sexual gratification. I stopped one day when I was about 7 or 8 and my sister saw me and told me to stop. I felt disgusted and did immediately, but continued to masturbate to that scene privately. My sister years later found a window I'd left open on the computer and I'd forgotten to close it, and it was the scene from that movie. She told me she'd seen it and I don't really remember what else she said now, I only remember she looked uncomfortable. I knew she couldn't help it (we were both young, she was probably 15 and had no idea what I was doing) and I didn't take it personally. But that moment is the foundation of my fetish shame. The person I am closest to seeing that side of me I am so mortified of. I've never been able to get rid of that shame from that memory.
So there that is and it is long and weird. I don't really know how to end this. I'm sorry if I caused gross feelings. Talk to you later.
).