Sexual Anxiety (I guess that's what it's called)
Posted: February 15th, 2013, 12:21 pm
Hi, I just made my account so I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place or doing any of this right, but I wanted to share something and get some suggestions.
I'm an eighteen year old female virgin and I'm pretty sure I have some sexual anxiety. As a human with hormones and all that, of course I want to have sex, but I just can't let myself trust another person enough to let it happen. I've had oral sex and done mutual masturbation, but I'm always left feeling dirty and guilty (I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm a germophobe and find sex gross at times or because I'm a Christian but I find it highly unrealistic and unnecessary to be abstinent personally), and I keep waiting to have intercourse because I don't want my first time to be associated with feelings of guilt or regret because my relationships always explode and we hate each other. I have clinical depression and social anxiety disorder, so my relationships never seem to work out, and I don't want to have intercourse with someone I'm not in a relationship with because I want to know the person well and be able to trust them. I'm afraid I will have sex with someone and then we'll break up and I won't be able to get over it. I'm afraid I will be sexually abused. I'm afraid I will be videotaped or raped, especially anally, or hit. I have never been raped or molested, but close family members have. I have to sleep with my backside to the wall at night because I'm afraid of being anally raped. As far as I can see, these feelings are irrational. When I was thirteen, a boy tried to finger me but I wouldn't let him and he didn't, but he broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with him. Time and time again, men break up with me because I will not have sex with them. At 15, I reluctantly performed oral sex on my boyfriend and when he broke up with me, I felt like I had lost my virginity to him. When we had sexual relations, always tip-toeing around intercourse, with mutual masturbation and rubbing and such, he was too rough and I felt like he was treating me like an object. A year later we hooked up again and I was giving him a blow job but I didn't feel like it anymore so I tried to bring my head up and he shoved it back down until I was gagging. Another boyfriend of mine was addicted to porn and masturbating, but refused to have sexual relations with me or even kiss me at first because he wanted to wait until marriage. I thought it didn't add up, and convinced him to mess around with me. He gave me my first orgasm (I never had one with the previous boyfriend who was too rough. It was just unpleasant and uncomfortable) and I was happy. I was never able to give him an orgasm though, I guess because he was addicted to masturbating and I felt like I wasn't good enough or couldn't please him, and he ended up breaking up with me because he felt so guilty about breaking his sexual morals with me (which didn't make sense because he was addicted to porn).
I was going to have sex with this one guy who I didn't really care about so I could get the first time over with and not having any feelings to deal with, but it was a stupid and fell through.
Sex toys and anal sex terrify me. I have never masturbated and feel uncomfortable with the idea but I think I'm suppressing the urge because I have dreamed about it. I'm afraid I will never be able to sex. Whenever I mess around with guys, I'm terrified I'll get pregnant even though it's impossible. I've even looked up the symptoms online and almost bought a pregnancy test. I don't know why I have such sexual anxiety when I've never been raped or anything, and it makes me ashamed that I have issues with sex when nothing bad sexually has happened to me, while others, like my mother and cousin have been molested/sexually assaulted, and they seem to be fine. I don't feel comfortable talking about this with anyone, especially my counselor, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I will never able to be in a healthy relationship because of my depression and anger issues which will wreck the emotional aspect of the relationship AND because I'm so terrified of sex. I don't know how to fix this.
I'm an eighteen year old female virgin and I'm pretty sure I have some sexual anxiety. As a human with hormones and all that, of course I want to have sex, but I just can't let myself trust another person enough to let it happen. I've had oral sex and done mutual masturbation, but I'm always left feeling dirty and guilty (I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I'm a germophobe and find sex gross at times or because I'm a Christian but I find it highly unrealistic and unnecessary to be abstinent personally), and I keep waiting to have intercourse because I don't want my first time to be associated with feelings of guilt or regret because my relationships always explode and we hate each other. I have clinical depression and social anxiety disorder, so my relationships never seem to work out, and I don't want to have intercourse with someone I'm not in a relationship with because I want to know the person well and be able to trust them. I'm afraid I will have sex with someone and then we'll break up and I won't be able to get over it. I'm afraid I will be sexually abused. I'm afraid I will be videotaped or raped, especially anally, or hit. I have never been raped or molested, but close family members have. I have to sleep with my backside to the wall at night because I'm afraid of being anally raped. As far as I can see, these feelings are irrational. When I was thirteen, a boy tried to finger me but I wouldn't let him and he didn't, but he broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with him. Time and time again, men break up with me because I will not have sex with them. At 15, I reluctantly performed oral sex on my boyfriend and when he broke up with me, I felt like I had lost my virginity to him. When we had sexual relations, always tip-toeing around intercourse, with mutual masturbation and rubbing and such, he was too rough and I felt like he was treating me like an object. A year later we hooked up again and I was giving him a blow job but I didn't feel like it anymore so I tried to bring my head up and he shoved it back down until I was gagging. Another boyfriend of mine was addicted to porn and masturbating, but refused to have sexual relations with me or even kiss me at first because he wanted to wait until marriage. I thought it didn't add up, and convinced him to mess around with me. He gave me my first orgasm (I never had one with the previous boyfriend who was too rough. It was just unpleasant and uncomfortable) and I was happy. I was never able to give him an orgasm though, I guess because he was addicted to masturbating and I felt like I wasn't good enough or couldn't please him, and he ended up breaking up with me because he felt so guilty about breaking his sexual morals with me (which didn't make sense because he was addicted to porn).
I was going to have sex with this one guy who I didn't really care about so I could get the first time over with and not having any feelings to deal with, but it was a stupid and fell through.
Sex toys and anal sex terrify me. I have never masturbated and feel uncomfortable with the idea but I think I'm suppressing the urge because I have dreamed about it. I'm afraid I will never be able to sex. Whenever I mess around with guys, I'm terrified I'll get pregnant even though it's impossible. I've even looked up the symptoms online and almost bought a pregnancy test. I don't know why I have such sexual anxiety when I've never been raped or anything, and it makes me ashamed that I have issues with sex when nothing bad sexually has happened to me, while others, like my mother and cousin have been molested/sexually assaulted, and they seem to be fine. I don't feel comfortable talking about this with anyone, especially my counselor, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I will never able to be in a healthy relationship because of my depression and anger issues which will wreck the emotional aspect of the relationship AND because I'm so terrified of sex. I don't know how to fix this.