YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I've become the girl I would of been at 12 if not for my social anxiety. A year ago, at 25, I decided to finally start dating. I never did in middle or high school, and a deep depression started at 19 that kept me out of the game. But a year ago I took a leap of faith. I went on an internet dating site and met several guys, including my ex. Before we oficially hooked up I slept with two guys. It felt amazing being wanted. After we broke up 2 months ago I went back on that site and started hooking up with more guys. As of now I've had sex with 5 guys. That doesn't include the guys I had erotic chats with and sent nude and semi nude pics to. Most of the guys I talk to want nothing but sex, but some want relationships. I'm in such a fucked up place I don't know what I want a relationship or sex. I have 2 friends with benefits, 2 guys who genunily want a relationship, and 2 guys I chat with that I'm not sure what they want. I juggle these guys around and I don't know how to handle it. It's good I'm living with my mom right now or else I'd have guys over left and right. Fearing her questions and judgements keeps me somewhat grounded, but given my way I would fuck as many guys as possible. I don't know if this makes any sense, if I've left out too many details. Does this make me a bad person? I feel I am destined to never settle down, to hop from one guy to the next. I'm depressed and horny. I can't be in a relationship but I don't want to be this huge slut. I'm very conflicted.

Have you talked to anyone? This seems like something you should discuss with a professional. Really.

Being horny and wanting to have sex does not make you a bad person... Practicing unsafe sex and having random partners isn't the most healthy thing however. Physically and emotionally. Maybe try talking to these guys to see what they're about and you'll probably be able to narrow down who you want to be intimate with and realize that you are a sentient, valuable person. Don't let people take advantage of your love... If two people are truly on the same page mentally and sexually there is nothing better. Communication is key. Self-respect is a necessity! You can't put number on how many relations it takes to be a "slut." I believe it's too complicated for that. Don't let yourself be used. Have fun, you're an adult. But be careful!!! Just my opinion...

-Fredbo

That's not "sluthood." There is no predetermined action that makes you a slut. Unfortunately, in Western cultures, sex is a taboo subject, and often a subject of shame, especially for women. Coming from my own experience, being sexual, having desires, and engaging in any action that isn't "standard" for a woman brings about feelings of shame because we're not supposed to be sexual.

You're starting to feel at ease with your sexual desires and it doesn't seem like you know how to handle them. That's okay. In my own experience, it seems our culture has also prolonged the development of identity - more people are living at home longer, going to college and still remaining dependent on their parents. This isn't a bad thing; what makes it potentially negative is that we come to terms with our identity and capabilities at a later age than what society expects.

By our mid-20s, most people come to terms with their identity, "who they are," so to speak....sexuality, strengths, weaknesses, desires, ambition, you name it. You get a sense of ownership over what you've done with your life and what has yet to be achieved.

I've learned that people who don't get this sense of ownership in this world by this age marker (which you can't escape from, the world expects this from you), they often turn to common things and try to own them in their own way - sex, drugs, and other things of "rebelliousness" teenagers often engage in. Why those subjects? Because it's what they know. It's a quick, accessible subject and can give you an immediate sense of self. You can point to this "thing," and say "I'm good at that. It's what I know I can give to people." Sex can give that feeling of ownership to people.


Can you identify with anything I've typed out here?


You would really benefit from seeing a counselor. You guys could definitely explore what's going on and perhaps what's going in your head that's making you turn to sex. If what I've typed out is true for you, you could work with that and build upon it.


There is no shame in sexuality. Giving in to that primal desire, breaking down your inhibition and letting go. You feel like an animal.....at least, for me Go see a counselor, and make sure you're being smart about your sexual partners. If you're sharing nude photos, DO NOT include your face and use an anonymous email. Make sure it's not associated with your personal email, AT ALL. If you don't want these photos to pop up later and bite you in the ass, you need to be as anonymous as possible. I'm all for exploring your sexuality, but not when it can be used for blackmail.

If you're meeting people online, that's also a danger - get to know them first before you sleep with them. That can at least put up a small barrier between you and the crazy assholes who might try to hurt you.

Get tested REGULARLY - if you're active, do it at least every six months. Make sure you're seeing a gyno for regular exams. Wear a condom and do not let them convince you otherwise. If they keep trying to persuade you not to do it, walk away. There are "thin" condoms out there that can improve sensation for him (my recommendation is Trojan Bareskin). ALWAYS ask him, before you have sex, to show you proof that he's been tested and is clean. Yeah, it's a mood-killer, but if you are having a one-night-stand, tuck away your libido for five minutes and have him show you the paperwork proof that he's clean. Just because he's pretty and well-hung doesn't mean he won't lie to you. If you want to make it really hot, tell him to show you and if he does, you'll blow him or let him blow his load on your boobs. Guys love to jizz all over things.

There is nothing wrong with being a slut. If A guy posted the same thing, there would be no stigma. Although it can be easier for men to separate sex and emotions, it does not mean that women do not have just as strong sex drives and desires. So the first step is to give yourself permission to explore your sexually. Men do it in the mid 20s, so why not you? Many women do not do it until their 50s!

The part about this which may require some counseling is the deep conflict and guilt you feel. There are so many reasons for what you are experiencing, and there may be multiple reasons. Here are a few I just thought of:

1) Medical reasons - excess testosterone.
2) Genetic reasons - you were born with a high and vibrant sex drive
3) Guilt because of cultural mores conflict with your desires, so you defensively have sex to quell the shunning thoughts.
4) Rejecting or abusive parents have made you extremely needy for physical validation
5) Post trauma - many victims of rape or molestation go through a period of extreme promiscuity
6) You are rebelling against oppressive gender expectations in order to find out who you really are.
7) All or some of the above.

The point is, shame is the biggest deterrent to figuring this out. See a therapist to figure it out and enjoy yourself in the meantime.

I know exactly how you feel, except that I have done this most of my life. What I really want is a relationship but I don't maintain them very well. So when I'm not with someone, sex is my drug of choice. At first it feels awesome to have so many balls in the air (so to speak) but it soon becomes overwhelming and takes over every aspect of life, much like any other drug can do. I have learned how to keep it in balance for the most part. I think it's possible. But I still would much rather have a healthy, stable, long-term relationship.

Here is a 12 step program that addresses sex and love addiction. A lot of people have made huge strides in it because it addresses the issues that make sex or romance addicting in the first place.

http://www.slaafws.org

Paul

Wait a minute, Paul- Don't you think it's a little premature to label her with an addiction and send her on a 12 step program?! Please read Fredbo & Fifthsonata's comments. For people who have a high sex drive, it's about much more than physical pleasure. Maybe she was anxious and depressed for so long because she was sexually repressed?

Rosedahlia, you can explore your sexuality in a safe and responsible way. Give yourself some space and time to find a place that feels right. Most important of all, don't let anyone else tell you what you should or should not need in bed. There will be lots of ups and downs along the way- and it is perfectly NORMAL to be all over the map in your 20s. Just be honest with your partners, protect yourself from pregnancy and infection, and live your life to the fullest.

Otter,
I'm not diagnosing her as an addict, I'm just letting her know that if she finds intimacy too difficult to achieve through sexuality, and sex remains something compulsive and shame based, she might check out a meeting to see if it's her thing.

I don't think frequency of sex has anything to do with it if there's a healthy feeling behind it. But one of the warning signs of an addiction is a rush up front and shame and emptiness afterwards and repeating the cycle.

I should have prefaced that I'm not labeling her as an addict, just letting her know that help is available if she can't get to a place where sex feels healthy and shared, with trust and intimacy.

BTW many sex and love addicts don't have any sex at all, sex remains terrifying to them, and they are addicted to the avoidance of it and intimacy. Both are acting out and acting in are unhealthy because they both avoid true connection and trust. They just avoid it in different ways; one through the "replacing" of intimacy with the frequency of the act, and the other by just avoiding it.

I just want people to know that there are solutions if they feel like they hit a dead end and begin blaming themselves personally for behavior they want to stop but can't. Not all are addicts, some are just going through a phase, and only the person going through it can decide if they are an addict. So I would never tell someone they are an addict. I might say they are acting addictively and showing signs.

So my apologies if it sounded like I was trying to diagnose.

Hug,

Paul