YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Apologies in advance if this is an awkwardly worded post.

The link between sex and emotion that most people seem to have is absolutely nonexistent for me. I enjoy sex and I am thankful that, as a rape survivor, I am comfortable with sex and around men (I'm a straight female, for those keeping score at home); however, sex is essentially meaningless to me. To me, it is fueled completely by hormones and a carnal need to mate, and I am ashamed. I have yet to be in a relationship of any sort (I have commitment and trust issues out the wazoo), but I have slept (and continue to sleep with) people who I have an actual emotional connection to. This is something that I am not necessarily completely OK with, but it *is* entirely frustrating.

I guess what I am asking here is if anyone else on here is the same way - does anyone else not have a working link between sex and emotion?

Stereotypically men are supposed to be "better" at not linking the two than women.

I'm sure it has occurred to you that this disconnection is an after-affect of your rape. I don't wish to ask you to relive it or to trigger anything, but did you have any sexual experiences prior to it, and if so, do you remember if you felt an emotional connection at that time?

I know that for a lot of survivors of sexual abuse--which I also am, albeit of a different kind--a large part of sex becomes rehashing the incidence of abuse in a way so that the power and control returns to the one who had it taken away. In the Alison Anders movie Things Behind the Sun, a woman who was brutally gang-raped as a child is seen throwing herself into group-sex situations; instructing her partners to hold her down.

For my own part, the kind of abuse I received features heavily in my fantasy life. Even though there's a real chance it ruined me for good.

Son & Air wrote:I'm sure it has occurred to you that this disconnection is an after-affect of your rape. I don't wish to ask you to relive it or to trigger anything, but did you have any sexual experiences prior to it, and if so, do you remember if you felt an emotional connection at that time?

To answer: yes and I don't remember. Maybe? I was assaulted at age fourteen, and any sexual experiences prior were relatively tame (I had not had sex and would not until I was eighteen). Any emotional connections I may have felt I would probably discount as me being a confused teenager.

captainpanicattack wrote:To answer: yes and I don't remember. Maybe? I was assaulted at age fourteen, and any sexual experiences prior were relatively tame (I had not had sex and would not until I was eighteen). Any emotional connections I may have felt I would probably discount as me being a confused teenager.

Boy...do you mind if I ask if you are in any kind of therapy? I was molested at age 15--not forcibly raped, but statutorily--and I know it put a chill on most of my sexual experiences of the future. I'm not a therapist (obviously) but I don't think I'd discount any emotional connection you may have felt in your pre-assault experiences. Sexuality at almost any age is a very strong thing. The fact that you've forgotten what you felt then also seems to me, the non-professional, as fertile ground to work with.

Ask away (the anonymity of the internet is a glorious thing)! I am, in fact, in therapy, but I tend to be resistant to discussing anything in regards to my sexuality (probably because I'm not comfortable with it). It's the catch-22 of abuse.

I hear you. Deflection is a heck of a game, isn't it? How much of this is your therapist aware of--that your sexuality feels disconnected from your emotions;that you were raped? It's kind of a "You have to tell the Dr. where it hurts" thing.

She knows I was raped but hasn't brought it up (much to my weekly relief) since I mentioned it in our first session. She literally knows nothing else. Occasionally checks in with me about how things are going with a guy I'm seeing, but I kind of leave it at the superficial response. I am stubborn.

Well, I'm not gonna tell you anything else I'm sure you already know...if you don't feel like you can talk about it with her I'm glad you brought it up here, but I hope you'll be able to do so with someone educated in psychotherapy sometime. I'm jumping to all kinds of hypotheses.

Hey captain. Thanks for being so honest. I am glad you posted.

What do you want out of your sexual life? Your emotional life? Your relational life?

what is in the venn diagram where those overlap?