YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

 "Will I ever get laid?" god, was this a plaguing thought all throughout my teens. It seemed so important, like a life changing event. All of my friends who had taken that leap seemed like they'd 'seen the light' and had it all figured out. I couldn't imagine being that intimate with a person at the time, to tell the truth. When I'd hear stories about other kids sexual escapades at my school, I kind of feel embarassed for them. And grossed out, frankly. I always fantasized about having a 'perfect relationship' with someone in which all of that would happen. I'd find a person I was compatible with and we'd talk and laugh and get to know eachtother, then become best friends and never want to be apart and at some interval we'd finally have sex and that would seal the deal that we are in a steady relationship. I mean, in the real world, that's pretty much how it works, right? I guess life is a little messier than that, because I never reached that ideal. I'm not giving up hope that it can't still happen, but in my life right now I haven't been sexually active in a couple years...and I haven't even attempted to strike up any sort of relationship with a female. So I'm just at a point where I'm in my mid 20's and I presumably should have a lot of experience with women by now, but I truly don't. I still feel like a 5th grader in that department, and I don't know that I'll ever 'grow up'. It's been this long, I've had this many chances and oppurtunities at having a relationship, yet I've just thwarted it everytime. Even when girls really seemed to like me I've never felt good enough. My depression must play in a role in me not thinking I'm a fun guy to be around, and I'm not exactly an accomplished adult- No job, No car, No degree... I don't consider myself a 'catch' by any means. I know that girls must look in from the outside and say "what does this guy think he's doing with himself?" but I absolutely know where I'm going in life, I have dreams, and a direction, I just might not show it outwardly very often, and that's something I'm starting to come to terms with. What all of this comes down to in the end is that my entire life I've been desperate for a female friend, and I always thought that being an adult would grant me that option to live with my best friend and see her everyday, but it turns out that all of my adults years from 18 on have been the greatest dry spell of my LIFE with women. And although I lost my virginity and fooled around a bit with a few girls I still feel that those might have been the most shallow relationships I've ever had, the way they seemed purely based around sex. I feel really disenchanted with intimacy these days and it seems like such a bother to try to make myself seem 'desirable' to another person that I barely even make an attempt at it. I'm by no means asexual, but every girl who's ever thrown herself at me I've kind of told myself "She seems like too much trouble" and brushed her aside. Now I'm sitting here a lonely old man, thinking "GO FOR IT! YOU'RE YOUNG! YOU CAN HANDLE THE TROUBLE! DO IT FOR THE EXPERIENCE" and yet I know that when I was in that position I had those exact same thoughts, but whatever I was going through personally must have been important enough for me to say 'FUCK YOU' to that old man.

Please share if you're feeling sexually frustrated for whatever reason.

Jose,
Hey man.
Yes, you will get laid.
As complex as people try to make it, meeting people to eventually have sex with comes down to a few steps:

Introducing oneself to women
Meeting them again later
Coming to a consensual decision to have sex

While that is easier said than done, there are a number of schools of thought on how to do each of those things.
Other men, including me, have been where you are.

Ultimately action will be the key for you.
Choose wisely.

Thanks, Oak. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be good enough for anyone. Even when girls show an interest in me, I always seem to withhold too much, what you might call 'playing it cool'. I am such a naturally quiet person and I'm more comfortable in silence, and if I seem 'aloof and 'mysterious' to girls from a distance, it's better to keep it that way because once I open my mouth they'll find out how boring I really am. I've lived my whole life that way and things just never panned out, I always knew that being in a relationship would be one of the hardest struggles in my life, but in all this time that I haven't been in one I feel like it's become my deepest need- the thing I want the most that I just don't have. As I've explained in the 'friendship follies' thread, I really don't have many friends and I go through life a lot feeling like no one truly knows me outside of my family, it's so depressing. I manage to find a glimmer of hope in what life may have in store for me everyday, but so often I feel plagued with regrets about the decisions I've made in the past and start to think "maybe my time has passed, I didn't strike while the iron was hot when girls were pursuing me and now I'm fat, broke, and alone...who's gonna want me?" I know these kind of self defeating thoughts are unhealthy but it helps me to be able to put in words what I've been experiencing lately. I never wanted to be a Family guy, even though I like kids. I think there's too much toxicity in my life and the world in general to pass on to a child. One thing I have always wanted, however, was a best friend. Someone I could do ANYTHING with and enjoy the company of ALL THE TIME. These must seem like such childish ideals, maybe it explains why I'm not getting laid, but really- is a simple friend too much to ask for? Sex is not even the issue here, it's intimacy. I just want to know someone and be known on the deepest level, someone who extinguishes my fear and inspires me to do great things. Again, some lofty ideals...I guess there's that saying "Love is worth waiting for", I know it is, I just really feel like I've been run through the ringer with this shit, being 24 and never having a girlfriend.. WTF is wrong with me? Why can't I even develop a friendship with a female? Why do I pretend I'm not interested in a girl then get my heart broken when they're with someone else? And most importantly, what is it that I find so 'odd' about myself that I'm afraid to share with another human being? Because in my experience, everyone has their own demons and personal hangups, usually the girls I pursue are even more broken than me! And yet something always keeps me from exposing my true self...probably because in my experience that guy just gets walked all over everytime. So I'll stick to the lonely life, where there aren't as many people around, but goddamn are my options open to do anything at my whimsy!

Hello Jose. Fear of success and fear of failure are two sides of the same coin. If you work on yourself, forgetting about women for a while, you can build up a store of confidence from knowing yourself. Then you can turn that confidence into generosity. Then you can look to meet a new woman, and be generous in how you appreciate her, with the casual easy feeling of expecting nothing in return. That is a great way to be - the alternative can lead to pain and bitterness.

However you decide to proceed, we support you, because you are the expert on your own situation. All the best to you, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

Good post, Jose, good post. Thanks for being honest with your feelings.

I have thoughts to offer. First let me ask you this:

What interests/passions do you have?

One of mine is turn based board games. Axis and Allies.

What are your hobbies, interests?

Hey Manuel, that was just what I needed to hear. Concentrating on the things I like to do that are rewarding to me has increased my confidence immensely. It's a place I can always touch base with to get my head together, contrary to the dating scene where everything seems up in the air and so uncertain. I've taken so many missteps in trying to start a relationship and have gotten so humiliated by my inadequacies that I just gave up on the entire 'courting' process, it's too painful for me. I'd rather be alone than deal with that pain. Even if it stings a little sometimes and causes me to start topics like this, for me to at least have the comfort of knowing that I'm not responsible for anyone else's wellbeing besides my own and that of my family has really helped me to find a steady ground, where I feel self assured, like I'm on the right track, and DO have something to offer. It's just that when I venture outside of this little cocoon I've created and into the world, all of that stuff I'm proud of myself for has practically no way to be expressed, since I'm such an internal person. That's really been what's set me back the most in this area of life, how much I keep to myself and kind of fear anyone coming from the outside looking in and so I avoid them like the plague even if I'm intensely attracted to them. Then on the flipside, I feel the most emotionally stable, energized, and truly happy when I'm by myself, able to do whatever I choose with no pressure to be an 'exciting' person to an outside party. So it's kind of a double edged sword.

Talking about this is really good for me because I've struggled with it for so long, have never been able to verbalize it, always just felt like a freak of nature who would never understand relationships and sex, just bound to be a loner for the rest of my life... It's not even like I particularly want a girlfriend as much as I need to confirm that my feelings are normal and I'm not alone in this.

Oak, my major interests in life right now are standup comedy, movies, and podcasts. I probably listen to 4 or more podcasts a day, which have really been a great tool for me to consistently remind myself that I'm not the only weirdo out there, and there are people I admire who've become very succesful that might've had to face harder trials and tribulations than me. The mental illness happy hour has had the greatest influence on me for how it exposes so much of the wreckage people have had to deal with in their lives, but somehow, some way have managed to come out the other end victorious. I need to keep listening to absorb what has worked for them so I can hope to have a fruitful life myself. Even though everyday is a minor victory in my eyes.

Cool man.

Relationships are like any other dance in nature: there are rules, which we should learn so we know when it is artful and graceful to break them.

Now that you have passions, the content of the podcasts you listen to, you are no longer boring. You have something to talk about.

Of course, the easiest way to get someone interested in your passions is to be sincerely interested in their passions.

I'll pm you the titles of two books that helped me becoming interesting to women.

Again, however, to date women eventually you will have to go talk to them. But first steps first.

As a woman (living in a city with a purportedly terrible dating scene), I will also weigh in and say that nothing is more attractive than meeting someone with whom I share interests that they, and I, are clearly, unmistakably, unrestrainably passionate about. It is how I met my partner (he recalls falling for me when I started talking about my favourite Firefox plugins) who I've been with for 8 years this coming November, and in the rare moments I give thought to ever dating again, I can't imagine doing anything that deviates from that basic approach, and with only one exception, it was the basis of every other relationship I had in which attraction played a big factor.

Whenever and whatever it is you are doing when you like yourself the most, when you feel most aligned with your skills and purpose — that should be the basis of your attraction. Nothing less. OK, so it might not get you laid... but it is a much surer road to emotional fulfillment.

Happy trails,

SC

Thanks, just what I needed to hear. So often I get the impression that my basic interests and hobbies will have to be sacrificed to get along with a significant other. Like, time to leave boyish things behind and become an adult. It scares me, because I don't know what else I have but these interests. They've become my lifeblood, and I'm dedicated to living out the path of an artist, not a family man. Yet I'm still human and I want the same basic comforts and pleasures that everyone does. I feel like I've crossed a barrier where it's not 'cool' to be into the things I am anymore. I'm not sure if it ever was because it never got me laid, being a cinephile and only wanting to connect with people over movies. I met a couple girls who I had SO much in common with, but I saw them as such kindred spirits to me that I never wanted to violate that bond, so I never suggested bringing the relationship to 'another level' or tried to initiate anything romantic to them. I'm kind of kicking myself over it now, not because I didn't get any, but how I let certain boundaries get in the way of simply being intimate with someone when I had the chance. Now there are no chances left and I have to start from the bottom with an added 40 pounds and sunken face with dark circles under the eyes with a good 6 or 7 years of daily substance abuse under my belt. How could I be attractive to anyone? Since I never actually MADE a movie or WROTE a script, my interest in cinema, ( which truly has all of my heart ) seems like a fruitless childhood fantasy to anyone looking from the outside, whereas when I was younger with more years ahead of me I could always project that I would be 'the next big thing', someday. Well, I'm still waiting for that day to come, but I'd rather be the humbled man that I am now than that scared shitless little puke any day of the week.

can't even remember the last time I flirted with a girl, and I haven't been intimate with anyone in 3 years. I kind of just gave up after several experiences throughout high school and college left me sour as to what women expect from me and why I can't offer it. I got exhausted by my search for love and abandoned the idea that anything like that would ever happen for me after being wronged so many times and now I'm unable to entertain the thought of tiptoeing around anyones bullshit just for an opportunity to get in their pants. I don't know if I was built for relationships. I've always wanted to be in one, but got cold feet whenever the opportunity arose. Now I don't have any options because I have no female friends, of whom I have only had a couple. I think I've only really felt comfortable hanging out with one girl in my life, and that was ten years ago. Of course, I was too chicken to take it to the next level and she fell for this other dude leaving me totally heartbroken. I like myself, I think I've got it pretty good, but I've never been able to present that picture to a woman and try to convince her that I'm worth her time. I feel doomed to the single life and even though I do yearn to be in a relationship, I don't have the courage, or the energy, or the faith in myself to try again. It makes me wish I would've worked harder at it in school when there were so many of my crushes elbow to elbow with me on a daily basis. Now, I've forgotten what a crush feels like unless it's for an actress in a movie. I do hold out hope that this is a possibility for me in this lifetime, but recently the thought of how alone and disconnected I've been for these past few years in particular has gotten me really sad and I just wanted to talk about it.