Porn Addiction
Posted: June 29th, 2013, 7:48 am
So, without going too much into my own story - here's the premise.
When I was in elementary school, probably between 2nd and 3rd grade, a kid from my class convinced me to have sex with him. I am also male. He said that we should have "butt sex" and that it would be fun. He said I could put my penis in him or the other way around, I chose the former. I knew that it was wrong, but I had no idea how wrong until it was happening. I left my body, I remember feeling like I could watch myself when it was happening and on some level I knew that this was really messed up. I've gone to therapy, still am going, but it's a struggle. It's definitely affected my sexuality, there were periods in my life when I would hook up with pretty much anyone who was interested. For a while I was addicted to cigarettes and weed, but quit both.
I can have a drink or two no problem and stop. There is a history of alcoholism in my family but for some reason that never stuck with me. I did some binge drinking in college, but since that stopped I can drink like, twice a week and not really feel that addictive feeling. I know some people are like this with porn. They can enjoy it, not feel guilt, it can be positive, etc. I'm assuming there are people like this, correct me if I'm wrong. I know that's not me.
Here's how the process goes: First I'm just horny, and I decide to go watch porn after not watching it for a while. Usually after that, it's fine, I don't feel bad or anything. The next day I'm just reallly horny and it's like all I can think about. Inevitably, something stressful will happen and then before I know it I've gone head first into the pit of porn addiction.
The first time I watch porn to escape is a very different experience. It makes my stomach uneasy for the rest of the day. I have this clear picture in my mind of a black slime (like in the X-Files) covering my soul. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. I'm completely numb. It changes how I see and experience everything. All of my problems feel overwhelming. I hate social interaction, because I think everyone must know I'm a pervert. I don't even watch porn that's that outlandish or weird. I go back to this comfortable grey world that I lived in for most of my teens and some of my 20s. I get irritable, and then whenever anything remotely stressful happens I feel like I HAVE to watch porn. I can't focus, it's hell.
For some reason I forget that this is what happens EVERY SINGLE TIME I go down that path. Sometimes I just feel so bad already that I just don't care, I know it's going to make me feel like shit but I just want a release, I just don't want to feel.
Eventually I come out of it, and I've been getting better at making those periods shorter. They used to last years, months even. Now it's usually about a week before I remember that I can come out of this. Most of the time it has to line up with everything going well in my life. It's much harder to leave when I'm really stressed.
Leaving porn hell:
It usually takes me about two days of not watching porn to leave the grey world. That second day is incredible. I can picture that black slime covering my soul cracking and falling away. Last year after a really bad summer of porn hell, I went back to therapy. I didn't even realize that the porn was making me feel that way. Actually, listening to Paul talk to Joe Matarese was helpful. I think it was in their fear off where Paul mentioned something about numbing from porn and it made it click for me. When I stopped, I started feeling euphoric. I remember the exact morning I stepped out of it. Murder by Death had just come out with a new album, and I was listening to it in the morning while doing light therapy. The first track drew me in, and then the second track just exactly that black slime cracking and falling away and just letting all of the light in. Here's their official video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph8AlodMnjk. Those piano notes in the beginning that just sprinkle on the bass texture, that's the sound of feeling happy again. I'm crying right now, the first line, "Hush now creature, dry your eyes, I know a place where a body can hide." It's beautiful...
I can't get to that place when I'm stuck in my addiction. I can't feel happy, I can't feel love, I can only feel bad.
And I really wish I could just stop it there. Unfortunately there's more. After feeling euphoric, which to normal people is just feeling happy, but for me it's so unfamiliar.... comes all the feelings. My soul feels raw and vulnerable. I start getting scared my dad's going to die and he won't know how much I love him and how much he's done for me. I start getting paranoid and jumpy. Porn drains me, and when I'm not watching porn I suddenly have all of this energy. I start freaking out that there are ghosts hiding in dark rooms (not literally, but I still freak myself out enough that I run out of rooms when I turn the lights off), that something is going to jump out at me, especially when I'm alone. I'm afraid to be alone, and in therapy I realized that I'm afraid because bad things happened when I was alone. I'm afraid I can't protect myself.
After that, it evens out a little. As long as my life is going through with a moderate level of stress, I can manage. When things get too overwhelming I run back into porn hell. I'm getting better at it, dealing with more stress. I just remind myself that I need to feel discomfort so I can deal with it. When things feel overwhelming I need to let it sizzle in my heart and burn out. When I feel that need to watch porn, I need to let it pass through me. I can't stop it, but it'll pass. Sometimes I forget this.
When I was in elementary school, probably between 2nd and 3rd grade, a kid from my class convinced me to have sex with him. I am also male. He said that we should have "butt sex" and that it would be fun. He said I could put my penis in him or the other way around, I chose the former. I knew that it was wrong, but I had no idea how wrong until it was happening. I left my body, I remember feeling like I could watch myself when it was happening and on some level I knew that this was really messed up. I've gone to therapy, still am going, but it's a struggle. It's definitely affected my sexuality, there were periods in my life when I would hook up with pretty much anyone who was interested. For a while I was addicted to cigarettes and weed, but quit both.
I can have a drink or two no problem and stop. There is a history of alcoholism in my family but for some reason that never stuck with me. I did some binge drinking in college, but since that stopped I can drink like, twice a week and not really feel that addictive feeling. I know some people are like this with porn. They can enjoy it, not feel guilt, it can be positive, etc. I'm assuming there are people like this, correct me if I'm wrong. I know that's not me.
Here's how the process goes: First I'm just horny, and I decide to go watch porn after not watching it for a while. Usually after that, it's fine, I don't feel bad or anything. The next day I'm just reallly horny and it's like all I can think about. Inevitably, something stressful will happen and then before I know it I've gone head first into the pit of porn addiction.
The first time I watch porn to escape is a very different experience. It makes my stomach uneasy for the rest of the day. I have this clear picture in my mind of a black slime (like in the X-Files) covering my soul. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. I'm completely numb. It changes how I see and experience everything. All of my problems feel overwhelming. I hate social interaction, because I think everyone must know I'm a pervert. I don't even watch porn that's that outlandish or weird. I go back to this comfortable grey world that I lived in for most of my teens and some of my 20s. I get irritable, and then whenever anything remotely stressful happens I feel like I HAVE to watch porn. I can't focus, it's hell.
For some reason I forget that this is what happens EVERY SINGLE TIME I go down that path. Sometimes I just feel so bad already that I just don't care, I know it's going to make me feel like shit but I just want a release, I just don't want to feel.
Eventually I come out of it, and I've been getting better at making those periods shorter. They used to last years, months even. Now it's usually about a week before I remember that I can come out of this. Most of the time it has to line up with everything going well in my life. It's much harder to leave when I'm really stressed.
Leaving porn hell:
It usually takes me about two days of not watching porn to leave the grey world. That second day is incredible. I can picture that black slime covering my soul cracking and falling away. Last year after a really bad summer of porn hell, I went back to therapy. I didn't even realize that the porn was making me feel that way. Actually, listening to Paul talk to Joe Matarese was helpful. I think it was in their fear off where Paul mentioned something about numbing from porn and it made it click for me. When I stopped, I started feeling euphoric. I remember the exact morning I stepped out of it. Murder by Death had just come out with a new album, and I was listening to it in the morning while doing light therapy. The first track drew me in, and then the second track just exactly that black slime cracking and falling away and just letting all of the light in. Here's their official video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph8AlodMnjk. Those piano notes in the beginning that just sprinkle on the bass texture, that's the sound of feeling happy again. I'm crying right now, the first line, "Hush now creature, dry your eyes, I know a place where a body can hide." It's beautiful...
I can't get to that place when I'm stuck in my addiction. I can't feel happy, I can't feel love, I can only feel bad.
And I really wish I could just stop it there. Unfortunately there's more. After feeling euphoric, which to normal people is just feeling happy, but for me it's so unfamiliar.... comes all the feelings. My soul feels raw and vulnerable. I start getting scared my dad's going to die and he won't know how much I love him and how much he's done for me. I start getting paranoid and jumpy. Porn drains me, and when I'm not watching porn I suddenly have all of this energy. I start freaking out that there are ghosts hiding in dark rooms (not literally, but I still freak myself out enough that I run out of rooms when I turn the lights off), that something is going to jump out at me, especially when I'm alone. I'm afraid to be alone, and in therapy I realized that I'm afraid because bad things happened when I was alone. I'm afraid I can't protect myself.
After that, it evens out a little. As long as my life is going through with a moderate level of stress, I can manage. When things get too overwhelming I run back into porn hell. I'm getting better at it, dealing with more stress. I just remind myself that I need to feel discomfort so I can deal with it. When things feel overwhelming I need to let it sizzle in my heart and burn out. When I feel that need to watch porn, I need to let it pass through me. I can't stop it, but it'll pass. Sometimes I forget this.
it is just not my thing)