Is Your Sexual Identity Hard to Define?

[ghughes1980]

Thanks Pigeon, I don't have words right now.

[meh]

Yes. It is.

[bigeekgirl]

I'm so glad I stumbled onto this thread. Pigeon and anxietygirl and everyone are so awesome in how you articulate about your sexuality. I can't say I relate exactly to how you define yourself, but I can relate to needing to define something it seems most people don't struggle with at all. Okay, sexuality is only one small area where I have to work harder than most to define myself.

I am a big believer in the idea that there is more difference within the sexes than between them. Since I am not "genderqueer" myself, I would say upfront I don't understand that experience. I think it's ridiculous to label certain preferences and behaviors as either masculine or feminine intrinsically. Maybe that opinion is itself based on my experience of being a "girly" woman with a large number of masculine appearing interests and attitudes. I don't know why we can't accept people as individuals without caring about gender or at least taking a person's word for what terms they choose for themselves. I'm a geeky, nerdy, girly, bisexual woman.

It was not until the last few years that I have accepted myself as bisexual. I'd had romantic feelings towards boys for as long as I can remember - encouraged by my mother - but I think my interest in women didn't seem to start until later. I'd have these mad crushes on girls I went to school with or teachers or famous women. Part of it is certainly that I admire and wish to emulate certain things about these ladies. But there are women I admire who I don't feel "longing" towards like I do with people I am attracted to sexually or romantically. I knew I at least was "kinky" or "hedonistic" enough to want to experience sex with another woman, but I didn't actually do anything about it during the long years of my first marriage.

It wasn't until I was 30 - 33 now - that I had a brief relationship with a woman. She was my now-husband's former girlfriend in a polyamorous arrangement he broke off when we got together. After a while of being friends with her, my then boyfriend and I spent several months somewhere between "friends with benefits" and "dating" her until her instability made it not worth it for friendship or sex. It was - strangely enough - less the relationship and more the fact of having a person in my life who's only appropriate description is "ex-girlfriend" that let me accept I'm not straight. The only other experiences I've had have been at strip clubs and I do love the experience.

One thing I've found is common in how people tend to view bisexuality is that it's 50/50 split and one should be able to have a relationship with either gender. For me, it's not. I wouldn't mind, assuming she was a perfect fit in my existing life, having a long term girlfriend, but I know my primary relationship drives is to be with a man. I am super happy in a basically traditional role in a marriage. I have no real desire you be "out" as bi nor would I want to marry a woman. Maybe I just have Daddy issues, but I love having a strong compassionate man as my primary relationship. A relationship with a woman would always be about sex and friendship, but it would never be ahead of my marriage. I would be perfectly okay with expressing my attraction to women with porn (I prefer tasteful photos to videos of sex) and occasional trips to see strippers if there's not a girl who would want out of our relationship what I want. I'd be totally cool with hook-ups, too, as I have no moral issue with casual sex.

The tricky part for me is finding appropriate places to even discuss the facts about myself let alone maybe find someone who might be interested in exploring with me. I don't need to "come out" to my family nor have it generally known by friends who would not be comfortable. I'm okay with keeping it on a need-to-know basis. That might change if I ever had a relationship that needed to be acknowledged, but for the time being it is enough for those who will accept to know. More importantly, I know who I am. It's comforting not to wonder.

[meh]

Bigeekgirl - your last two paragraphs describe my sexuality perfectly. Just substitute Men for Women and vice versa and you have me.

I think I'll carry around those two paragraphs in my pocket and pull them out to show anyone who has any questions!

[bigeekgirl]

meh... Thank you. No bigger compliment you could bestow.

[meh]

bigeekgirl - part of what makes this place so special is discovering other people who look at life the same way you do.

Like mental illness - everyone's definition of their sexuality is subjective.

[bigeekgirl]

part of what makes this place so special is discovering other people who look at life the same way you do.

Oh, yes. This is why I'm starting to give a second listen to certain episodes of MentalPod. The forum brings it to a whole new level where I get real human interaction. Feeling validated is a bit addictive.

With any sort of label I own for myself be it "nerd", "bisexual" or "female" is really about explaining to another person what I know about myself. "The word is not the thing" (a fascinating Google search, BTW, also "the map is not the territory") but we do need a short hand version to communicate since we can't just mind meld. I'd only want to use telepathic methods in a limited fashion anyway as I rather value my private inner life.

I used to have as a tag line on a now defunked blog "Accept me at face value while allowing for the possibly I'm more than meets the eye" or something along those lines. I try to do that for other people even though I tend to be a bit judgmental and cautious about new people.

[meh]

"The word is not the thing"

You weren't kidding.

I fumbled around with the definition for a while. Even though I knew I was somewhere around 2.25 on the Kinsey scale, I couldn't put a word to it. And honestly, I don't want to put a word to it. But like you said, it's shorthand and it's worked so far.

[bigeekgirl]

And you're a Brony, too. Meh, you are awesome!

[meh]

aw shucks......

It's my son who's the brony. I think it's very cool.