YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Man, it's been a while. For the past few weeks, I've been trying to sort out my life on a number of levels, and although it was (and still is) stressful, I hadn't felt a desire to post something new. But after a couple of weeks of stewing in my thoughts about a certain thing, I realized that this would be the perfect time to write a new installment in my randomly-updated, inconveniently-long-titled series, Thane's Thoughts and Feelings Towards Women and Relationships.


I hate crushes. Well, for the most part. I like when a crush puts a spring in your step like a fresh cup of coffee, and I like when I can crush on a girl and use my own mind to fill in the blanks on what she feels about me, so then I can carve a perfect, feel-good scenario for myself (because who doesn't prefer their own reality to actual reality?). But outside of that, I hate crushes. The overarching theme I identify with in a crush is inequality- the fact that I have these nice, gooey feelings towards someone and for all I know are probably unrequited. I absolutely despise spending emotion on things or people who can not and will not reciprocate, so of course when I'm in a position like this- after the spring in my step has faded and I'm done filming the romantic scenarios in my head- I end up feeling like a Smashing Pumpkins song.


Because of the whole "refusing to spend emotions without getting reciprocated" thing, it helps me not crush on people who don't know I exist or are overtly uninterested in my existence (they're what I call "assholes"), but when there's someone who is sweet, open, and talkative with me, there's a very high chance that I will develop feelings for them. And the majority of these people that I find who are this way to me are women who are already in relationships.


I'm aware that there are people who are intrinsically attracted to people they can't have, and unless further exploration proves it, I do not believe I am one of those people. The characteristics I mentioned (sweet, open, talkative) are what attract me because I interpret this as someone being interested in me. So there is a blatant yet confusing contradiction in my thought process when a woman I am talking to is fulfilling these things that make me suspect that they're attracted to me, while the concrete fact is that they are already in a relationship, so they most definitely aren't into me. I don't know what comes first in this: I'm not sure if the women who are in relationships are sweet to me because they're in a relationship and are generally sweeter people from it, or if they're naturally sweet people and are in relationships because of this totally awesome nature of theirs. Now, I'm sure there are probably sweet, open, and talkative women that are single, but from my experiences, they are almost always in a relationship. In the way that when people see extremely beautiful people and then find out that they of course are in a relationship because of how attractive they are, the same goes for people who are sweet, open, and downright awesome (who wouldn't want to be with someone like that?). All I know is that I fall for em, and I fall HARD.


What's inspiring me to write about this topic is this woman I've met a couple months ago. She struck up conversation with me first (something I always appreciate) and we hit it off. She was sweet, talkative, and laughed at every joke I made, so I was definitely enjoying her company. I learned that she had a boyfriend (of a few years), but she was not with him that night. We ran into each other again a month later and spent the entire night together talking again, and by this point I had gotten her number. If it wasn't for her boyfriend, I would definitely suspect that she was into me (and even though she does have a boyfriend, it still doesn't completely stop me from suspecting that). I don't try to talk to her often- though I wish I could talk and hang out with her more often- because I know she has a busy schedule, and I also don't want it to seem like I'm trying to pick her up, or be obvious in my feelings of attraction towards her. I respect that she is in a relationship, and would never (and I mean never) try to interfere in that for my own benefit; plus, I'm quite certain she is very monogamous, which makes her even more attractive to me.


This certainly has not been the first time I've been in a situation like this, and from those previous situations, I've learned that I am set to lose in them. Oftentimes, I have ended up being an "emotional boyfriend for someone who already has a boyfriend," where I end up tending to their emotional damage, while I get nothing in return from them because I'm not their boyfriend. And I don't want to get too detailed in this, because I would rather write a new installment at a later time dealing specifically with this, but to get to a quick point: it sucks.


So the question that has been running laps in my head for some time now is whether I should just detach from this whole thing; just fall out of contact with this person for my own preservation. As I mentioned before, the gooey feelings I get from a crush can be intoxicating, and I like to indulge in them when I can get it, but I ultimately know that I am going to end up hurt. The idea of eradicating the situation before it even becomes a situation implies that only bad things can come from this in the grand scheme of things- which is relatively unfair. So it feels like I'm deciding whether I should take this away from myself and be unhappy now (to a lesser amount), or let this ride out, indulge in what makes me happy now, and end up being unhappy later (to a greater amount). The easiest thing would be to find somebody new, perhaps somebody available, but I can't will that to happen. Only thing I feel I can do with that is to just live my life and see what comes up on the horizon.

ThaneRising wrote:Oftentimes, I have ended up being an "emotional boyfriend for someone who already has a boyfriend," where I end up tending to their emotional damage, while I get nothing in return from them because I'm not their boyfriend. And I don't want to get too detailed in this, because I would rather write a new installment at a later time dealing specifically with this, but to get to a quick point: it sucks.

Please don't do this. This is a 100% guaranteed way to make sure your needs are never met. You have needs and your needs are not negotiable and your needs cannot be dismissed by another. My wish for you is for you to love yourself in the way you deserve. Please take care.

ThaneRising,

How do you know exactly what I do! With the exception of being an emotional boyfriend to a gal, this is pretty much step for step how I am.

Seriously reading this has been like reading my own post on this same subject.
I am attempting to be more up front with my intentions and going from there. Usually its "I have a boyfriend" or just a flat out "no thanks".

So I am trying. But what you've said has how I have been or gone through. I used to think I'd get friend zoned but no longer believe in such a concept. I have come to believe in chemistry in the sense of attraction. I know I feel that way in terms of who I am interested in. I don't know how to read the social cues of a gal being interested or not. I am oblivious to it. I fucking get so frustrated feeling alone. In wanting companionship and physical intimacy I feel as though I come off wanting one or the other and those wires get crossed for the lady to. I have such a hard time with dealing with this. In just about every aspect.
May something help us!

Againstthegrain,


First of all, let me say that I love your username. Those three words could very well sum up my existence so far- unless of course your meaning of "against the grain" refers to your opposition to wheat, rice, oats, etc. *cue rimshot*


I believe you should be up front with your intentions: it gets you to the truth faster and saves everyone's time. While the whole concept of attraction between two people is sensationalized by the social notion that it's some kind of game where you can win or lose- which inspires guarding your feelings, wearing a poker face, and trying to get the upper hand by revealing as little as possible- I think ultimately, everyone appreciates honesty. It puts you in control of yourself (the healthiest thing you can do in any situation), and it shows the other person exactly what you're about. Being honest means being yourself, and being yourself attracts like-minded people -- and if you're an honest person, guess what that means? That's right; you will attract somebody else that's honest, making the difficulty to assess whether or not someone is into you obsolete because that other person will be just as up-front and honest with you as you were with them. When somebody sincerely likes you, I don't think you have to worry about being able to figure out whether or not they like you, because that won't stop them; they will show you.


While that's a satisfying ideal to think about, I understand how if you haven't had a situation like that, it could inspire negative thoughts. You're frustrated in being alone, and I am too. But if our life experiences in this area are indeed similar, then I can safely say that you also *know* how to be alone, which is something we all need to know how to do. Does being alone and feeling alone suck? Sure it does, but the important thing is that you can live in that state of mind. It hasn't stopped your heart from beating and it doesn't have to; you're stronger than that. At times, it may feel like hell to be without companionship, but that's not the only kind of hell. There are people who *don't* know how to be alone -- those are the people that are unable to function without being in a relationship of any kind, which oftentimes means being in bad and unhealthy relationships. There are many people that stay in relationships with people they don't even like anymore, simply because they don't want to live their life being alone, because they can't imagine how -- so they choose to base the happiness of their life in the companionship of somebody else that DOESN'T EVEN MAKE THEM TRULY HAPPY ANYMORE; that's insane! The majority of everyone's life will be spent alone, so we all need to learn how to deal with that and be able to live alright. And for those that claim they can and will spend the majority of their life with companionship are either as lucky as a Mega Millions Jackpot winner, or desperately spending their life trying to live it attached to someone else. That is not healthy. Being in control of yourself is healthy. Being in touch with yourself is healthy. Being honest with yourself is healthy. You may have a hard time dealing with this, but you're dealing with it; and that makes you a stronger person.


That something that will help us is ourselves. There are extrinsic factors that can give us a lot of support (like these forums), but ultimately, the thing that will help you is yourself. And I believe you will reach that.

A lot of people call what you're describing as being an "emotional boyfriend" as being in the friendzone. It's a bit ironic that people talk about the "friendzone" as if it were no-man's-land when normally, being a friend is a beneficial part of life. I am no stranger to the friendzone. In fact, I'm just starting to step out of it. I used to think I was either unattractive or bad at engaging women. But now I think it was mostly fear of rejection. At least it was for me. I also have some religious conflicts with intimacy but that's a side issue.

One aspect of the friendzone that I find especially difficult is when I know girl X is with the wrong guy but she doesn't realize it. It doesn't even have to mean that I think I am the right guy. But either he's an ass, an idiot, or has unresolved mental illness that I see but she can't. It's more important to me to be a good listener and say encouraging things like "you need to do what's best for you" or something similar than to say "kick 'im to the curb." Still I wish I could be bold enough to say to a woman I like, "You're so sexy and I want you."