YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

After reading Chair's blog post: "I am a pedophile," I didn't want it to go unresponded, but I didn't know where to post about it, I knew I wanted to say something about it, but I couldn't figure out how to do so.

Given the sensitive nature of the subject, I'd like make something clear first. I'm not so concerned about responding to the blog post itself, but because I'm talking about "choice" or lack of choice, I just want to make sure, this doesn't sound like I'm comparing homosexuals to pedophiles, which often occurs, when anti-gay people argue against gay-rights. I hope this doesn't come off too insensitive or offensive to anyone.

I've always counted myself lucky in that sense, I've always been attracted to females my own age. Then again I've also always counted myself unlucky in that sense, I can't maintain relationships and I can't show romantic interest without being blackout drunk, so I guess I consider myself a non-practising male heterosexual.

Whenever I'm in a group of predominant males and for some reason, we get to talk about gay rights and so-called lifestyle choices, I always passively-aggressively joke that, why is it only homosexuals, who get to chose their sexual preferences? I continue the joke: "I'm not gay, I like women, but god dammit, who doesn't like choice?!" I never had any say about my sexual preferences, so I don't understand, why people assume that people with a preference that is considered unacceptable by so many, freely chose to risk being disowned by family, friends and coworkers, if they really could chose.

The point I'm trying to make, is if homosexuality can feel socially uncomfortable, then pedophilia must feel like a social death sentence. What I'm trying to say, if we can't help, who we're sexually attracted to, then I have to accept that pedophiles have the same lack of choice. The choice we have, no matter what preference we have, we must choose to be protective to others and not to victimize anyone, whether, we're hetero, homo, bi or pedophile, we must respect other people's boundaries and the people who are not capable or old enough to set their own boundaries.

I wanted to respond to Chair's blog post, because I wanted to acknowledge that some things we can't change, but the things we can control, we must. I also wanted to respond, because I know that when we dare reveal our darkest secrets and shames, if we're meet by deafening silence, we'll think twice about doing it again. There's obviously a time and place for everything and which some topics you have to tread very cautiously.

To Chair I wanted to say:

Where I hear conservatives talk about abstinence to avoid teenage pregnancies, I think they are crazy, because I don't think you can curb other people's sexuality with a lifted finger. I think your choice of abstinence must be incredible hard and sad, but I must agree with you, it's essential. People of all kinds, would benefit from not always acting to their urges and needs. I can't imagine, what it must be like to be you, but I think it's courageous to share your struggle with mentalpod.

So thanks.

Thanks, Fargin, for commenting so thoughtfully on a difficult subject.

My own sexuality was born around incredible insecurity around the age of puberty, so that formed the sexual fantasy of an older women lovingly seducing me as my first sexual experience. That never happened, but I still retain that fantasy, so the porn I consume is decidedly "MILF-y" and the female performers are womanly of body. None of it felt like a choice, so I can imagine the great difficulty of those with pedophillic tendancies, and I thank my lucky stars that my sexuality is endorsed by society and legal.

I am glad the person wrote it.

It is a very touchy subject. To put in my limited two cents, I agree that it must be more of a compulsion than a choice, per say. The same with any sexual fantasy. But, as with some sexual fantasies, they shouldn't be practiced with with non-consenting parties, and as minors can't consent, it's a fantasy that cannot be acted upon and that must be very frustrating. Even people with, say, rape fantasies can do that role play in a consenting manner.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at, um. I think the main thing is that, as long as the urges aren't acted upon, there isn't anything technically wrong, except with how that person feels towards themselves.

I'm new on the forum but I did stumble across Chair's blog post. Since I can't respond directly to him, I would just like to say:

Thank you for sharing your story.

Though I can't directly relate to pedophilia, it seems clear to me that many, many people have unbidden fantasies, obsessive fantasies, that cannot be acted on without harming others. Some obvious examples are rape, killing (at one extreme), to abuse, to really anything involving non-consenting partners (including children who are not really able to consent). I think Chair's fantasies are OK -- and probably much more normal than our society would like to admit. I agree that our fantasies are neither chosen nor controlled.

So upon reading, I felt only sympathy. I have never been revolted by people who have such fantasies. For those that act on it, they have my sympathy too -- as do survivors. Obviously I agree with Chair that abstinence from children, or even from being close to children, is essential, in case anyone starts hating on me.

I can only wish him well on his journey. I'm not sure he is absolutely correct in some of his assumptions. He implies that there are no options for him at all in life, that no one could love him, and that he will die alone. That is terribly sad. I know he faces a world of stigma as well as dire consequences for even mentioning his thoughts. It sounds like he is his own worst enemy too.

Thanks to Paul for posting it. Chair, I'm guessing that because Paul posted it, he doesn't hate you at all, so that makes 1 person that doesn't hate you.

And now I make 2.

I was captivated by this blog post. I know his feelings all too well. I drew so many parallels from Chair's life to mine. It was like looking at an older version of myself. The only difference is my pedophilia is less pronounced. I am, at times, able to find a woman my age attractive, but it's always children I see in my mind's eye. It breaks my heart to hear that he has to completely isolate himself from girls. It's like living in a grey world that's devoid of meaning. I hope he can find a friend or a therapist that won't judge him for having attractions that he didn't choose.

There are people who will accept you for who you are. I'm one of them.

Trigger Warning: I am Chair. In all my posts I will likely be frank about who and what I am, and as such references to pedophilia should be expected.

This is the author of the blog post this topic is about. Paul can confirm this if he so desires via the email address I used to communicate with him, which obviously only I have access to.

When I submitted the post I was terrified, as you can probably tell by the addendum towards the end, where I decided it was just a 'cathartic exercise' and didn't need to be published. After it went up I nervously watched for replies - the first one I saw was someone chastising Paul for giving a monster a platform, the second I saw suggested Paul should have beaten me with a bat. Anticipating a flood of hatred, I got off the computer and stopped trying to look. I had expected more and was so disappointed.

But giving up too quickly is never the answer...which is something I learned long ago.

I checked again, and saw lovely comments from people who could see me as a human. Sure, the occasional person told me to "gargle a .45", but the vast majority of Mental Pod listeners did not think I was a simple monster defined by my sexuality. They saw me...as me. And that was and is all I've ever wanted. This is the first time I've ever experienced any level of acceptance from any community, anywhere, when presenting my "full self". I hardly even know where I'd be were it not for the kind comments and emails I received during the month following my post.

Finally I decided that hiding away from this community, which I've come to love despite most of you not knowing who I am, I finally followed through on what has been a...to-do item to avoid for almost two months. And here I am. It is unlikely that I'll become all that active....but maybe some people want to continue the conversation (a few indicated they did) and maybe I can say things to others who are similar to me, or not-so-similar. I'll probably hide "in this topic" for a while, as I really don't want to "punish" someone with my presence, as I know....the type of person I am is something that in its mere existence is a trigger. So. I'll try to be safe, as best I can, and follow the appropriate courtesy protocols here.

Now some replies:

Where I hear conservatives talk about abstinence to avoid teenage pregnancies, I think they are crazy, because I don't think you can curb other people's sexuality with a lifted finger. I think your choice of abstinence must be incredible hard and sad, but I must agree with you, it's essential. People of all kinds, would benefit from not always acting to their urges and needs. I can't imagine, what it must be like to be you, but I think it's courageous to share your struggle with mentalpod.

Thank you. Abstinence is not natural or normal but it is what is necessary for me, in my present position, for reasons presented in the blog post itself. I have stuck with it so far, and while it sometimes feels like a social death sentence, other times...I don't know. I feel like it is part of me and I'm trying to embrace it, despite it fucking me over.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at, um. I think the main thing is that, as long as the urges aren't acted upon, there isn't anything technically wrong, except with how that person feels towards themselves.

Thank you for this. I think you probably know that my existence is viewed as 'technically wrong' by many which is a hard thing to face, but now that I've been doing it for decades I can live with. But hearing the other side represented...makes my heart sing.

So upon reading, I felt only sympathy. I have never been revolted by people who have such fantasies. For those that act on it, they have my sympathy too -- as do survivors. Obviously I agree with Chair that abstinence from children, or even from being close to children, is essential, in case anyone starts hating on me.

I can only wish him well on his journey. I'm not sure he is absolutely correct in some of his assumptions. He implies that there are no options for him at all in life, that no one could love him, and that he will die alone. That is terribly sad. I know he faces a world of stigma as well as dire consequences for even mentioning his thoughts. It sounds like he is his own worst enemy too.

Thanks to Paul for posting it. Chair, I'm guessing that because Paul posted it, he doesn't hate you at all, so that makes 1 person that doesn't hate you.

And now I make 2.

Even two is two more than I ever thought would say they don't hate me, once I was honest. The world of stigma I face is made brighter by people like YOU, and while I am still not in therapy and am not going to pursue it any time soon, due to that bad experience, just this topic serves the purpose of 'therapy' in many ways for me.

I was captivated by this blog post. I know his feelings all too well. I drew so many parallels from Chair's life to mine. It was like looking at an older version of myself. The only difference is my pedophilia is less pronounced. I am, at times, able to find a woman my age attractive, but it's always children I see in my mind's eye.

Run to a woman who you find attractive and can make you happy. What you two do in your fantasy life is no one's business but your own. Do not walk the path I have walked, especially if you have even a glimmer of another option. I cannot stress that strongly enough...


So there's a first post...hope to talk to you all later...

Hello. This is my first post on the forums, and I'd pretty much hate to introduce myself as so, but I'm a pedophile as well. Anyways, Chair, your opening up about your pedophilia has inspired me to not feel so nervous about opening up about my experiences as well. Regarding my sexuality, I am also attracted to images and fantasies of murder. I'd like to relate that these are indeed, not a choice. I've had my disposition towards young boys and murder since I was young. My very fist sexual fantasy involved a bomb and a detonator. Silly, I know. Thankfully for myself, these are not exclusive, and only act as additional attractions to those of mine that are more "vanilla." I've been able to keep myself satisfied with porn or snuff videos, and in no way do I believe I'm in danger of harming others.

I'm male, homosexual, and 22 years old, but look really young. I've been approached by other pedophiles looking to have sex with me quite a number of times. So it's an interesting dynamic, for sure, haha. The first time I had sexual intercourse was with a pedophile, but that happened only last week. Haha, yes, I allowed a pedophile to have sex with me and be my first. It was with him and not the others because I felt he was genuine, and I didn't feel that he was trying to mislead or manipulate me. "Predators," is what I would call those that do. I have no problem with forming a relationship with this guy, who is 32 years old. I was sexually abused when I was younger, but I am no longer a child. I recognize the tactics predators will use; there is a clear distinction between predators and pedophiles. Not all pedophiles are bad people, and I'm not just saying that because I'm one myself!

Anyways, I'm wishing good luck to all of us who are dealing with this type of thing.

I agree with Fargin. Great post. I think it all comes down to do you believe in a freedom of choice, or a predefined destiny (or programming)? Books have been written, and movies been made on the subject, so I won't go into it.

So, if pedophilia is not good, then how do we help the pedophiles? That's where we should concentrate our efforts. I'm sure they didn't want to be that way if they had a choice. We should spend way more money on mental health than we do. Every fucking time someone blows someone else away, they talk about gun control, but I think we should focus more on providing low cost mental health services, and have campaigns to De-stigmatize mental health problems. This way, more people will seek help. We should even have a way to intervene and get people into the care they need. They could have 3-member, panel review teams if someone want s to appeal being institutionalized. Whatever the details, this can, should, and needs to be managed.

Personally, if someone told me to abstain from adolescent sexual urges, I don't think I would be able to, or even should. Being responsible about it IS controllable (such as wearing a condom or using other contraceptives, not humping anything that moves, and so forth...these can be taught). Sexual abstention to me is about the same as asking a plant not to flower. It goes against natural biology.