YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Alright, I'm not exactly sure if this is the place to post this (maybe anxiety would be more appropriate), but this does have to do with sex, or more specifically romance/attachment/isolation so I thought I might as well.

Most of the time, I have extremely low self esteem, and it's gotten to the point where it doesn't feel like it's abnormal anymore. If anyone smiled at me while I walked down main street on campus, I would smile back but I would be thinking "they're laughing at me....they know....they can see everything", you know, very distorted thinking. But that's the thing, it doesn't feel distorted at all, it feels just right. Whenever someone gives me a dirty look when we walk past each other, I grin from ear to ear because I'm thinking that person hates me just as much as I do and that someone is finally being honest with me. I think to myself "you're an ugly, fat, genetically defective sack of shit and you shouldn't be alive" and I just nod in agreement and go about my day.

So how does this relate to romance and sex? Well, let me lay out the scenario that plays out every single time I become interested in someone......

I like the "nerdy" type of girl as I identify as a nerd; I love gaming, cooking, biology, history, philosophy, art, music, you know, nerdy stuff. I've never touched any illicit substances and I haven't had a drop of alcohol in my life; I just don't care about getting drunk or high, I would much rather deglaze a pan with some cabernet sauvignon (spelling?) and smell the intense aroma of the wine as it washes up the fond that's been collecting there while I cook; that shit is my high. So back to my dysfunction... I like nerdy girls, I like girls who've been through shit, I want someone who's actually struggled in life and have the courage to speak about it. I want someone who understands me..... but none of that ever happens and it probably never will..

When I see a cute girl (the adjective "hot" and the people who use it are people I tend to avoid), I want to talk to her, I want to make eye contact, I want to know her story...but I always think to myself "no no, she isn't for you, no one is...you will be alone and you will die alone because that's just how things are" ...I assume these women hate me and if they talk to me, then they must pity me. I used to get very, very worked up about women, in fact, the reason I started seeing my current psychiatrist is because I was falling apart over a girl. That was five years ago and I'm a different person now, I no longer freak out, but boy am I still damaged. I can't even start to comprehend that someone I know might be interested in me romantically, I can't process that. I see myself as a fat, ugly, obnoxious, immature, annoying excuse of a human being; how could anyone love me? I can see how people can pity me and hate me, but not love...never love. As for sex, well it hasn't happened many times (I've only been with four women but I'm only 20 so yeah), but every time it was pretty enjoyable but I always feel kind of empty afterward, like what I was doing was animalistic and base and just disgusting. Maybe it's because I had zero feelings for those women, sometimes I don't know if I've ever been in love. I crave sex constantly, or at least the idea of sex....or maybe it's just that I want someone to love me and trust me with themselves because I can't love or trust myself. I want to love someone but I feel so empty sometimes and when I'm not empty, I'm filled with disgust for myself and everyone around me.

I'm not forward with women..I'm afraid of rejection because I've been hurt so many times over the years, and so I stay alone..maybe forever. Maybe I'm a sociopath and that I feel like everyone around me and everyone I know is disposable, just as disposable as myself, and that's why I don't have romantic relationships...because I have no feelings anymore.

People say that I'm not ugly or fat but they're wrong, I feel so uncomfortable in my body so I lift weights and I'm trying to eat healthier...I know exactly what I need to do but that just doesn't happen.

I had a girlfriend for one month and then I broke up with her because I couldn't handle a relationship and I wasn't emotionally invested.....six months later she came to my dorm room and we talked for a while until things changed and all of a sudden I was fucking my ex, my ex who had a boyfriend at the time...she said he couldn't please her like I did and that just felt so empty...I ruined a friendship with someone else when I hooked up with a friend who had just broken up with her boyfriend who refused to have sex with her for some moral reason...Things were going well and then I lost my erection (dorm condoms aren't very large), she then got dressed and left me, just like that. it was a horrible feeling to be just thrown away like that, like I was trash.

I want a healthy relationship, both emotionally and sexually, but I self sabotage nearly every time and restrict myself based on my distorted assumptions of other people's thoughts.....

Help.

Help? Sure, there is help out there for you.

I can offer my perspectives, but if I may, can I ask two questions:

1. What sex/gender do you identify as?

2. Do you know what a "faustian bargain" is?

1. Straight male

2. Remind me what that is

Since you are a straight male, everything you've described is common and completely fixable. Many men, including myself at your age, have been exactly where you are. Some have found a solution to the difficulty you describe.

There is a solution and it is a faustian bargain, a red pill, the painful truth of reality. There are many good reasons to choose the blue pill, the blissful ignorance of illusion. Many guys, most of them, choose the blue pill and end up in the grave experiencing far below the success with women they could have had.

Like most red pills, the truth many of us have found is a little painful at first. But most find it very much worth it.

You write about chatting up nerdy/geeky girls. That is a simple matter, and I do it every day. In fact, the most conventionally beautiful women are the easiest to talk to.

Put plainly, there is a canon of books that describe how other men in your situation got out of that mess.

But the red pill is a faustian bargain, at several levels. While the books encourage a man to never do anything illegal or immoral, each has to decide where his ethical line is. We are men, wanting to a grown up game.

If you are interested, I'll be glad to pm you a list of canonical books that can get you started. I can show you the map, but only you can decide if the map is right for you, and if you are willing to bear the modest burdens it asks of men.

Remember that society will always encourage you to take the blue pill. When I heard about the red pill I knew immediately I could never again accept the blue pill.

please do

It sounds to me like you aren't ready fr a relationship right now. You so fear rejection that you will push others away, keep them at a distance or be the first to reject before you can be rejected. If this continues you will settle for someone safe, who you aren't really attracted to but who is attracted to you and that feels safe so maybe you'll just stick there. Or you'll keep a barrier up with someone who has serious potential and won't believe she sincerely cares about you. I think this requires therapy and serious introspection.

The hopeful thing for you is nerds are in! And a guy who can cook, who doesn't have a drug or alcohol dependence, who is in touch with his feelings and able to admit where he needs help is IN DEMAND. It sounds like you have had women take genuine interest in you and got written off by you. You player :p. Once you work on this tendency to push away women or tell yourself that it isn't enough to go on because it isn't earth shatteringly obvious, I think you should pursue a relationship. You are only 20 and have been with 4 girls? Not too shabby. I think you're gonna be alright, tackling this now. best of luck to you!

Oh my God, you're right..I always thought that I was ready for a relationship but that they "weren't for me because I'm broken"....but now I'm kinda starting to see it as that I am meant for a relationship, just not now, I'm not ready. Maybe I can finally focus on improving my health instead of pointlessly obsessing about being with someone. I'm actually feeling less concerned about these women I "like", and now I feel like I can focus on myself, so I can learn to improve and love myself. I'm always seeking validation and approval from others, often romantically, but now I'm starting to feel strangely independent. Holy hell, I hope this feeling lasts. Thank you for telling me that, I really needed it.

That sounds like a wonderful idea! I am trying to overcome this very issue myself so I saw it in your post instantly.

If you decide to be sexually active, be honest about where you are and what you're ready for right now, you don't have to write it off just don't lead anyone on. And be safe!

So envious of your early start on this! It shows great maturity.

As far as your fear of rejection:

It is equally totally understandable and totally not applicable.

For 99% of human history we lived in communities of 150 (think the Sicily scenes of The Godfather). At any time two or three women would be very high value in the marriage market. If a man made an unsuccessful pursuit of any of these few women, the whole village would know. He would certainly be mocked, and maybe even killed by rival suitors, so there were real reasons to fear rejection.

As modern men we have no village matrons obsessing over our every move. Any number of marriage material women are everywhere.

Ergo, you need not fear "rejection". Remember: every "no" you hear from a woman is a "no" you never have to hear again. "No"'s are free. "Rejection" becomes a game, funny, really. Every "no" gets you closer to "yes".

IP offers great advice.

If I can offer a few more thoughts:

Become friends with women. That takes the pressure of dating off.

Even more important, crucially even, become friends with men. There are many moral, development, and practical reasons to do this. As a secondary gain, the fastest way to get noticed by women is to have social proof by being one of the guys, and a leader of men.

Though men are ostensibly the pursuers, IME women are the choosers. In practice, this means a woman will telegraph subtle but obvious signals of interest (most often touching/grooming her hair). Learn to recognize these signals, then go up and talk to her. Talk to her about Dr. Who: nerdy girls love it. And if they don't like Dr. Who but are interested in you, they'll re-direct the conversation because they want to keep talking to you.

The game of love is alot of fun. Along with work it is the only game worth playing for men. Good luck.