YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello;

I am discovering that I have an extremely specific type: middle-aged actresses. Even more specifically, they are almost always blonde and almost always over 50. The majority of them are also married to men (I am a 25-year-old girl and identify either as bi or queer)
While this may seem like a crush or a fangirl-y situation, it runs much deeper than that. I work in professional theater and habitually develop deep feelings for these women, all of whom I have met, and some whom I have worked with. I don't think that the inaccessibility of "fame" is the attractive factor, because while they are famous to many people (none of them are household names) they are completely accessible to me.
One in particular, Charlotte, knows that I'm a fan, but I don't think she knows how I really feel about her. I have seen the Broadway show that she is currently in multiple times, she doesn't know how many exactly, but on the occasions that I have had to sit on the front row (where the cheap seats are) she has caught me looking at her on multiple occasions. She always looks back at me, smiles, makes eyes, whatever she feels like doing, and I get impossibly embarrassed and look away. On one occasion that I was sitting front row, she laid down on the stage, crawled over the edge and got literally an inch away from my face, saying "you're so beautiful." She does the laying down thing every night at this part of the show (which requires that all of the cast to try to lure someone to join the show) but I have never witnessed her tell anyone else that they are beautiful. She tells them that they are extraordinary, which is a line from the show. Another time that I sat front row, she got down at my eye level and played with my hair and caressed my face, including dragging her thumb across my lip. I don't know that anyone has ever touched me like that.
To add another layer, my roommate is now an actress in this show, and is Charlotte's protege. We formed our friendship after my crush on Charlotte was established, and she has always thought it was funny and baffling. Before my roommate moved in with me, she lived with Charlotte, so I used to be at her house a lot, I would see Charlotte, but we have never really had a conversation. She has told my roommate that she's not sure about me, and that she thinks it's weird that I'm both a roommate/friend and a fan of the show. That's not really something I can help though, since I was a fan of the show before my roommate was ever considered for a role.
Either way, this hopeless crush is really getting in the way of my quality of life. I have trouble seeing myself happy sexually with anyone but her, and she is only one of a very short list of people who I am attracted to. I'm not sure how to shake this feeling, or at least learn how to think of other things and open myself up to real experiences. I worry that this is going to consume my thinking more than it already does, and this is the time of my life where I'm supposed to be having all of these experiences before settling down. But here I am, 25, never been in a relationship, and in love with a very happily married, heterosexual-leaning woman who is literally twice my age.

Hi Lasercats,

I think it's really common to have a specific type of person that you're attracted to, although for a lot of people the type changes or expands as they go through life.

What really jumps out at me from your post is that the feelings you describe sound a lot like love addiction. It can be super painful and definitely have a negative impact on your quality of life. I could be wrong, but so many of your statements and actions sound like things that I've done myself many times that have not turned out very well for me, and that I've since heard described as love addiction: Thinking that you have to be with one particular person in order to be happy, and that you could never be sexually attracted to or in love with anyone else. Having those feelings about people who aren't really available to you except in fantasy (accessible maybe, but not truly available to you as a romantic partner). Putting yourself in circumstances that are painful (like continuing to go the show the actress is in) just so that you have some small contact with the person you feel addicted to. Mistaking what may just be thoughtless or casual flirting on their part for something more because you so desperately feel like you need them to want you back.

I'm sorry to sound discouraging but I actually think there's a lot of hope for you to find love in a more fulfilling and less painful way. I think it's really positive that you're recognizing that you need to look at this area of your life when you're still so young. I'm twice your age and just now starting to look at why I keep repeating the same pattern of choosing people who are unavailable and making myself sick when they don't return my feelings. Please don't wait that long if this continues to bother you over the next days, weeks or months. You have time on your side and you deserve to find someone who will desire you and love you back. You might try reading an article or book about love addiction and see if any of it rings true for you, consider therapy if you're not already going, or check out a support group for love addiction or relationship issues. I'm sending you many good thoughts for healing and for many happier relationship experiences ahead.

rivergirl

Thank you so much rivergirl. I will definitely do some research on Love Addiction and speak to a therapist about it (I am curently in the process of finding the right therapist)

In the meantime, the fact that Charlotte is not attracted to me is real to me now, and I have stopped looking for reasons that she may feel differently. We have interacted several times since my first post, but my goal with her has morphed from a relationship to simple respect. I just want her to respect me as a colleague in our business.

Also in the time that has passed between my first post and now, the other major actress in my life has become a close friend. We started texting about a week ago, and we are going out tonight for the second time. It is absolutely thrilling that she wants to spend time with me in a meaningful way. So hopefully the romantic feels are wearing off and I will be able to be friends with these women.

lasercats,
So glad to hear that you feel like things are improving and you're starting to get more clarity about the relationships you described. I am so not an expert on any of this, more like a cautionary tale! But I'm glad to hear that you're looking into options for therapy. One thing I'm sure of is that the earlier in life we start exploring our issues, the better. Trust me, you don't want to be exploring them when you're as old as I am if you can avoid it!

Please take care & keep growing & healing.

rg