Unrequited Love
Posted: October 19th, 2014, 2:44 pm
recently I've been thinking back to the days of high school when so many girls seemed to express interest in me but I could never take it anywhere. I would talk to them for hours online and then the next day when I saw them in person could barely say 'hi'. I overanalyzed the hell out of any situation where there was potential for a relationship and would always stop myself because of "what my friends would think". Then there came a time when I didn't even have friends to be embarrassed around and I thought that would be freeing but it actually made me more withdrawn because I tend to need others to help me come out of my shell, left to my own devices it's hard to even mutter a syllable sometimes. So, I shut myself in more and became bewildered by the idea that anyone would ever want to be friends with me. Of course, those people showed up and tried to initiate conversations, but I felt so isolated and distant from everyone that I couldn't return the favor so they moved on. This has pained me for many years, the chances for relationships I lost because I didn't have a handle on my mental health. I resent these girls for not taking more time to get to know me, when actually they gave me what you'd call the "college try" and I guess I simply didn't live up to their expectations. I consider myself a physically attractive person, but socially I'm a mutant and that tends to throw people off when they're first meeting me. Personally, I feel like my life becomes harder whenever other people are thrown into the mix and I wish it didn't have to be that way but I still notice this pattern on a daily basis. I'll wake up feeling great and then the mere act of saying 'hello' to another person just makes me feel awful. I think it's because I never have anything to add after 'hello', and most people seem to dive into every minute detail of their lives after that greeting. It's hard for me to earn people's trust enough to tell them what's going on with me, because I've had so many backstabbing and two-faced friends in the past who would tell everyone within earshot directly after hearing it. So, I keep my mouth shut for the majority of most days and since I'm an introvert, it doesn't bother me too much. It's just really eating away at me, how I keep so much bottled in with nowhere to store it except forums like this. I often wonder if I'll ever find a female companion I can share it with, but sometimes I think we've already met and I lost her because I couldn't open my big dumb mouth.
