Not good at anything

[gypsyroseme]

I'm feeling kind of low right now because earlier today my boss at my new job took me aside and talked to me about some of the things she feels like I'm not doing well enough in my work. This is not a difficult job by any stretch (I'm a hostess at a restaurant), and because I was fired from my most recent previous job I'm beginning to wonder if, I can't do a good enough job at smaller jobs, how the heck am I supposed to do well at a 'real' job?

Of course I'll try to improve. And I suppose I could take this as a sign that I should be doing something else, that I should go back to school and finish my degree, that this line of work is just not for me. But I've proven in the past that I can't even do what I wanted to do that well--I went away to New York this past summer for a research project, but couldn't finish due to anxiety/depression. So now what? I can't do 'little' jobs, and the job that I thought was my dream job (dramaturg/theatre historian) seems out of reach because of this past summer, so what am I supposed to do? I look into the future and all I see are struggles and perpetually not being good enough. Right now, the only comfort I have is planning my suicide, and I know how bleak that sounds. I just don't see things getting any better. But I suppose posting this is a good sign that I actually have a little hope, right?

[Herself]

What did your boss say? Are they things you actually haven't mastered, or is it that you're making errors due to distractions or anxiety issues? Don't write yourself off as incapable!

[blooming]

hostess jobs are not "little" jobs. You're standing on your feet all day and providing non stop customer service. .. that's difficult to do! You probably aren't being paid the amount that you are worth but don't let that fact fool you into thinking that you aren't working a very demanding job, because you are. This is why the restaurant industry has such a high turnover-- it's hard, and you aren't paid very well for the crap you have to put up with.

It wasn't until I got a "real" job that I realized how difficult my "not real job" in college as a barista really was! Constantly having to smile and greet people, get along with a plethora of co workers that changed every other week, deal with a constant onslaught of customers who thought I was just "some idiot kid working at starbucks," and also deal with a boss that was on a power trip.. all of that was way more difficult than sitting behind a desk with the same people every day and doing paperwork basically, occasionally making phone calls.

And yes, writing this post is evidence you do have hope. I know exactly how you feel when you say that thinking about suicide is sometimes the only thing that brings you comfort.. but there is another way out of depression.. faith:)

Take care