Overwhelmed (Possible Triggers)

[ChadInAK]

This is my first post to the forum. I have listened to the podcast for a couple of years now, although I haven't really listened in the last few months...

I just feel so profoundly sad and overwhelmed. I split up with my wife of 14 years in early April and have tried to remain amicable with varying degrees of success. Around the same time as our breakup I became very close friends with one of my coworkers, a woman 18 years younger than myself. My wife blames her for our split, but she was just a friend until at least a month afterwards. We were intimate several times, but she has pulled away from me lately. I think she is just tired of dealing with my depressed, emotional bullshit.

I live with a couple...or I did. They are approximately my age. (42) They both work at a gold mine here in Alaska. They work at a remote location and stay on-site for a 2 week rotation, and then are home for 1 week. I watch the house for them and take care of their dogs while they are away.

On July 3 I went to work from 1:00-9:00 PM and then to the gym. When I came home I could hear my roommate's 4-wheeler running, but thought that he was behind the house. As I walked up to the house, I could hear and see that the vehicle was actually in the garage. I assumed he was working on it before he and his fiance left for work later that night. When I opened the door to the entryway that connects the house to the garage, I was hit with a cloud of exhaust fumes. I thought that he had lost track of how long he had been working on it, so I decided to stick my head in and tell him that he was filling the place with fumes. When I opened the door to the garage, I saw him laying on the floor and the 4-wheeler running. I worked as an EMT about 10 years ago, and my training took over...I called 911, yelled for his fiance who was sleeping upstairs. We got him out of the garage, and I started CPR. I did everything I knew how to until the ambulance arrived...but he didn't make it. After they left for the hospital, I had to stay behind and talk to the police trooper who had been dispatched to the scene. We found several photo albums and school yearbooks open on the workbench and a note scrawled on a piece of wood. It read, "Sorry I'm such a fuck up. Take care of the dog. You deserve better than me."

I have suffered from clinical depression since I was 10 years old and I could completely relate to his feelings...It makes it worse when I realize that my life is so completely screwed up that I don't even have anyone that I could apologize to for being such a fuck up...his eyes were open when I found him and while I was doing CPR...he had a look that I saw as one of pleading...but I don't know if he was pleading for help because he didn't really want to go, or pleading with me just to let him go.

I have missed a lot of work since it happened because all I want to do is stay in my room and cry...I miss my friend...and at the same time, I part of me thinks that he is the lucky one...He had the guts to do something so that he doesn't have to feel this pain and emptiness anymore. I don't know what to do. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict so I know that I can't escape into the comfortable oblivion that they offer...but I really feel overwhelmed by all of this...I just wanted to tell someone...I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by this post...

[oak]

Chad, hello and welcome to the forum. I am glad you posted.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I am sorry you had to discover him so, and I admire you took action to try to save him.

I am sorry your marriage broke up. On a little lighter note, I am glad you have found someone new. Speaking only for myself, I am of the opinion that the moment a relationship ends, we are free to pursue and date anyone we please.

I hope you find healing and progress regarding your depression. I have no advice or suggestions to offer, but I do send hugs.

(Full disclosure: I am the straightedge variety of sober, which I see as separate from the recovery model of sobriety-long story, which I'll be glad to explain in a pm- but the result is the same: sobriety!)

On a lighter, closing note, I celebrate your sobriety! The sober life, IME, is wonderful.

Hang in there, chadinak.

[tangledlaces]

Hey Chad,
sometimes it's not about accomplishing something. Sometimes we just need to reach out and let go of some of the sadness inside, share it with someone else. I have great sympathy for you. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to walk into that situation with a friend and lose them. I have my own struggles with the end of a long, long term relationship, so I know very much how you feel. Hugs. You are doing some things right, staying sober, even through hardships that must severely test you. I think a lot of people would fold, so give yourself some kudos. Share, share share. Whether it's here, with a friend, or a counselor, sharing these feelings helps ease the burden of them.

Thank you for sharing with us and welcome to the forum.