Well.... It seems I did it.. I gave most what they wanted by quitting Facebook and all other social groups, online and off, that I was part of. I thought someone would actually give a rats ass. I mean I had 300 "friends" on Facebook alone.....only 2 noticed.... and they were the two I told I was leaving. For the most part they only contact me once a month. I guess to make sure I have not tried anything bad to myself. Cant do that because I made promises that I would not do that. Im not gonna say that it has never crossed my mind on a freaking daily basis.... But I would just fail at that as well.
I was part of a running group.... heard nothing from them since I quit going....
I was part of a Masonic lodge..... but after tonight.... guess thats over as well.
I look at myself and the constant depressive state im in , hell *I* can hardly stand myself and can understand why others wouldn't. Depression sucks but it also seems to be my last and only friend. Nothing else ever works out for me. Screaming dosent work. exercise dosent work. I take my meds for my ADHD that allow me to focus on crap but sadly the only thing I seem to be able to focus on now is the regrets and failures.
In the past 2 weeks I have lost 2 friends to cancer. The second one, I was closer to, was taken fast. 2 months. I had my last conversation with him the Sunday before he passed away on Wed. He told me when he beat this thing that we were going to go out and "crash" our R/C planes together. A promise he had been making with me for the past 4 years. We wont have that chance now.
Found out the same day he passed that my wife might have cancer. Cervical. She has been through two test already which has given us a $2000 bill, and now she has to go for another thing that they have to put her under. She is scared shitless, and to be frank I am as well, which not only causes stress and more depression we will also have a brand new $11,000 bill on top of the other.
Now that I have seemingly got myself to "All Alone" in the friendship department..... I dont have anyone to listen anymore..... oh well at least Im successful at something.
Alienating myself....
Alienating myself....
My amygdala are always fucking with my emotions.
Re: Alienating myself....
Damn... im good at this...
My amygdala are always fucking with my emotions.
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SmartCookie
- Posts: 35
- Joined: February 26th, 2013, 1:43 pm
Re: Alienating myself....
Hi meh_in_NO,
Thanks for sharing.
That's a hard hand you've been dealt with losing your friends and going through the diagnosis process for you wife. I can't imagine what that must feel like. Do make sure to take care of yourself however you can - caretaking is an important gig but it gets harder to be present and positive for the people who matter to us if we're not making sure we meet our own needs.
I'm a little confused by something you wrote in your post.... You said you "gave most what they wanted" by getting off social network sites and the groups you were a part of. Do you know for a fact that is what they wanted, or is that a thought that occurs because of irrational shame or guilt? Irrational thoughts come from places that often have nothing to do with our intrinsic value as human beings - my own are thoughts that I have held on to from when I was a kid. Even if the thoughts held some truth at the time (and they often really, really don't), they don't have to define who you are now or who you can be for the future.
I am lucky that the people around me are nurturing and supportive of me as I battle my own depression. I know it can be hard for people who have no experience of it to understand how they can be supportive. It can be awkward for them, especially if the stigma around mental health is strong in the local culture. Would you be open to finding a support group near you to have a place to share? If your friend or wife are being treated at a medical facility, that place may have some information on support groups. People who haven't been through it may just not know how to tell you that they don't know how the can help. And sometimes people really are just fairweather friends. That's disappointing, but sad for them because it may mean they don't have anyone when they are down either.
One thing I notice about myself when I am in a depressive episode is that I have the tendency to be way harder on myself than others. If you had a friend who was feeling and going through what you are experiencing, would you talk to them the way you are talking about yourself in your head? Or would you treat them with compassion, understand that their state is temporary and not who they will always be, and try not to judge them for their behaviour? I could never imagine myself saying to a friend or child the things I say to myself, and through that thought I try to respond to the negative thinking.
You're not alone. Hope you find some measure of relief.
SC
Thanks for sharing.
That's a hard hand you've been dealt with losing your friends and going through the diagnosis process for you wife. I can't imagine what that must feel like. Do make sure to take care of yourself however you can - caretaking is an important gig but it gets harder to be present and positive for the people who matter to us if we're not making sure we meet our own needs.
I'm a little confused by something you wrote in your post.... You said you "gave most what they wanted" by getting off social network sites and the groups you were a part of. Do you know for a fact that is what they wanted, or is that a thought that occurs because of irrational shame or guilt? Irrational thoughts come from places that often have nothing to do with our intrinsic value as human beings - my own are thoughts that I have held on to from when I was a kid. Even if the thoughts held some truth at the time (and they often really, really don't), they don't have to define who you are now or who you can be for the future.
I am lucky that the people around me are nurturing and supportive of me as I battle my own depression. I know it can be hard for people who have no experience of it to understand how they can be supportive. It can be awkward for them, especially if the stigma around mental health is strong in the local culture. Would you be open to finding a support group near you to have a place to share? If your friend or wife are being treated at a medical facility, that place may have some information on support groups. People who haven't been through it may just not know how to tell you that they don't know how the can help. And sometimes people really are just fairweather friends. That's disappointing, but sad for them because it may mean they don't have anyone when they are down either.
One thing I notice about myself when I am in a depressive episode is that I have the tendency to be way harder on myself than others. If you had a friend who was feeling and going through what you are experiencing, would you talk to them the way you are talking about yourself in your head? Or would you treat them with compassion, understand that their state is temporary and not who they will always be, and try not to judge them for their behaviour? I could never imagine myself saying to a friend or child the things I say to myself, and through that thought I try to respond to the negative thinking.
You're not alone. Hope you find some measure of relief.
SC
Re: Alienating myself....
Sorry it took so long to reply.... I checked back for a few days and never saw a response so I just kinda left things alone....
As for your confusion... well... I noticed that most people were not responding to any of my posts on Facebook. After waiting DAYS for SOMEONE to notice that I had stopped posting completely, I was a regular poster good or bad I posted everyday... well when no one noticed or even felt like checking on me... I up and just quit Facebook. That was early December. No one has contacted me, called, texted or even noticed that I am gone.
Back in 2011 My "Best Friend" and I got together every year to remember a friend who took their life in 2009. We usually sat there and talked about all sorts of things but mostly Mike. The three of us... Myself, Jenn and Mike... we were kinda the trifecta. unbreakable bonds between us. We could depend on each other for anything. I told Jenn as we sat there that now that Mike was gone I felt like she was my only best friend.... and her reply was "I wish Mike had not left me as your only best friend...." That hurt. I played like it was a nothing deal.. but to me that meant that she was tired of being the only one there for me all the time. That was the day that I started separating myself from her. My biggest problem was that I was in love with her... hell I still love her... but if that is what she wanted... I was going to do it.
We would go weeks without talking... once and awhile she would text... I would do the same.... She told me one time that she watched me on Facebook to see how I was... The depression got so bad before Christmas that I finally pulled the plug on my Facebook account. I have not heard anything from her or anyone else for that matter since that day. I guess she either really was not paying any attention to me.. or really just didnt give a shit.... So I gave her what she wanted... Im gone.
They always say that if you love something to let it go.... if it dosent come back it was never yours.... but I have noticed over all my life all I have done is let go of things.. and nothing ever comes back.... so... I have to assume that nothing is mine. I continue my miserable, so called thing called life I live with the depression... friendless for the most part. There are a couple that txt me once and awhile but Im sure they will leave me as well... People live out their lives all the time without having a bunch of friends.... so I just have to get use to my life the way it is. alone.
As for your confusion... well... I noticed that most people were not responding to any of my posts on Facebook. After waiting DAYS for SOMEONE to notice that I had stopped posting completely, I was a regular poster good or bad I posted everyday... well when no one noticed or even felt like checking on me... I up and just quit Facebook. That was early December. No one has contacted me, called, texted or even noticed that I am gone.
Back in 2011 My "Best Friend" and I got together every year to remember a friend who took their life in 2009. We usually sat there and talked about all sorts of things but mostly Mike. The three of us... Myself, Jenn and Mike... we were kinda the trifecta. unbreakable bonds between us. We could depend on each other for anything. I told Jenn as we sat there that now that Mike was gone I felt like she was my only best friend.... and her reply was "I wish Mike had not left me as your only best friend...." That hurt. I played like it was a nothing deal.. but to me that meant that she was tired of being the only one there for me all the time. That was the day that I started separating myself from her. My biggest problem was that I was in love with her... hell I still love her... but if that is what she wanted... I was going to do it.
We would go weeks without talking... once and awhile she would text... I would do the same.... She told me one time that she watched me on Facebook to see how I was... The depression got so bad before Christmas that I finally pulled the plug on my Facebook account. I have not heard anything from her or anyone else for that matter since that day. I guess she either really was not paying any attention to me.. or really just didnt give a shit.... So I gave her what she wanted... Im gone.
They always say that if you love something to let it go.... if it dosent come back it was never yours.... but I have noticed over all my life all I have done is let go of things.. and nothing ever comes back.... so... I have to assume that nothing is mine. I continue my miserable, so called thing called life I live with the depression... friendless for the most part. There are a couple that txt me once and awhile but Im sure they will leave me as well... People live out their lives all the time without having a bunch of friends.... so I just have to get use to my life the way it is. alone.
My amygdala are always fucking with my emotions.
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SubstancelessBlue
- Posts: 22
- Joined: February 15th, 2013, 11:44 am
Re: Alienating myself....
"Depression sucks but it also seems to be my last and only friend."
How right I know you are.
Hang in there. This website makes me feel a lot less alone, so I hope it can help you with that, too.
How right I know you are.
Hang in there. This website makes me feel a lot less alone, so I hope it can help you with that, too.
"I know the bottom, she says. I know it with my great tap root: It is what you fear.
I do not fear it: I have been there."
-Elm, Sylvia Plath
I do not fear it: I have been there."
-Elm, Sylvia Plath
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Cheldoll
- Posts: 263
- Joined: September 12th, 2011, 2:29 pm
- Issues: Depression, anxiety, anorexia, sexually abused
- preferred pronoun: She
- Location: Portland, Oregon
- Contact:
Re: Alienating myself....
It's really easy for people to get caught up in their own lives and completely miss the quiet people in the corner who just need a hug. I wish I could give you one. Take care of yourself, though -- I totally concur with SC's post.
I all can really say is... please know you're not alone with your struggle.
I all can really say is... please know you're not alone with your struggle.
xoxo,
Chel
" Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do,
care about many of the things you care about, although most people don't care about them.
You are not alone. " — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Chel
" Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do,
care about many of the things you care about, although most people don't care about them.
You are not alone. " — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Re: Alienating myself....
I'd be lying if, scratch that - feel like I'm in the same boat brother. Never had a Facebook account so I can't relate there (I think Facebook is one big crock of shit). I'm a dedicated misanthrope and hold on to my depression like a flower of destruction... I hope something works out for you. Would you feel better if you told Jen you were in love with her? It might feel better to just get it out in the open...
Fredbo
Fredbo
"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."
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SubstancelessBlue
- Posts: 22
- Joined: February 15th, 2013, 11:44 am
Re: Alienating myself....
Love the way you put that.Fredbo wrote:I'm a dedicated misanthrope and hold on to my depression like a flower of destruction...
Fredbo
"I know the bottom, she says. I know it with my great tap root: It is what you fear.
I do not fear it: I have been there."
-Elm, Sylvia Plath
I do not fear it: I have been there."
-Elm, Sylvia Plath
Re: Alienating myself....
Its been 6 months since I have heard from Jen..... or any of my old friends for that matter.... fuck'em. Today was going ok until I got a text from someone saying "Oh I forgot your birthday... Im such a bad friend.." I just told them it was ok.... there were only 4 that did remember.... then my familure friend, the darkness, started creeping back.... back to the pit I was in. Im trying to just foget about all the old friends and good times... hell I blocked most of my childhood... why cant I just block out the past 6 years of my life? Things would be MUCH easier. I almost wish I DID have some sort of substance problem that way people had something to blame all this on.
Sorry... Ill go back under the rock now.
W.
Sorry... Ill go back under the rock now.
W.
My amygdala are always fucking with my emotions.
Re: Alienating myself....
Just an update.... You know.. I really dont get it. I always figured that the people I use to hang with, if I ever saw them on the street, would wonder what was going on with me or at least notice that I had not been around in a while. Last night was kinda a test when I ran into a group of "Friends" on Bourbon St.
I saw 5 of my old hang out friend on the street. One did come up and said Hey! What are you doing down here. As if they didnt know I work about 10 steps from where we were standing. I just told them I just got off work. They then let me know the story of how one of them was about to move to Alaska and they were having a going away party. We talked a little about mundaine things and after about 5 min one of them said to the rest of the group "Lets go!" The ones I was talking to just looked at me and said "Well it was good to see you, we have to get going. Still have to hit one more bar." I stood there for a few seconds, kinda hoping for an invite to join them, and finally said.... "Ok Have a good time.". They waved and walked off. I had torn feelings. I really wanted them to want me to join them and was really sad that they had not even thought of it. Another part of me just said Fuck'em. I put on my earphones and walked toward my car. The sadness kept building and no matter how much I tried to interact socially with other who were just around me and keep telling myself "you dont need them..". I still felt empty inside. Its been 9 months now since I have had any social interaction with "Friends" and really feel that I am becoming more jaded. I still dont even like hanging with myself but I have no choice. I really thought 2013 would be a change for the better year.... I guess I was wrong and I have not reached the bottom yet.
I saw 5 of my old hang out friend on the street. One did come up and said Hey! What are you doing down here. As if they didnt know I work about 10 steps from where we were standing. I just told them I just got off work. They then let me know the story of how one of them was about to move to Alaska and they were having a going away party. We talked a little about mundaine things and after about 5 min one of them said to the rest of the group "Lets go!" The ones I was talking to just looked at me and said "Well it was good to see you, we have to get going. Still have to hit one more bar." I stood there for a few seconds, kinda hoping for an invite to join them, and finally said.... "Ok Have a good time.". They waved and walked off. I had torn feelings. I really wanted them to want me to join them and was really sad that they had not even thought of it. Another part of me just said Fuck'em. I put on my earphones and walked toward my car. The sadness kept building and no matter how much I tried to interact socially with other who were just around me and keep telling myself "you dont need them..". I still felt empty inside. Its been 9 months now since I have had any social interaction with "Friends" and really feel that I am becoming more jaded. I still dont even like hanging with myself but I have no choice. I really thought 2013 would be a change for the better year.... I guess I was wrong and I have not reached the bottom yet.
My amygdala are always fucking with my emotions.