Self-Sabotage

[marshmallow]

I am newly diagnosed with depression though I suspect I've been struggling with it for quite some time. I experience a lot of the "classic" symptoms, but one of the biggest and sneakiest parts of my depression that I am still learning about is self-sabotage. I am not suicidal and I do not feel compelled to physically harm myself or others, but I do find little and big ways to sabotage any good things in my life.

Here's an example-last year, in the middle of one of my lower points, I was a graduate student pursuing a doctorate. It had been my dream to be a college professor from the time I was a pretty small child and I was living it out. I was at the top of my class, I was getting publications,and I was doing work that I found really valuable and rewarding. By every standard I was successful and on track to become a great contributor to my field. But in the midst of my depression, I walked away from that opportunity. I gave my family and friends a lot of really "acceptable" reasons of why I wanted to leave- it was better for my family, I didn't like the politics of academia, I didn't feel like pursuing that degree was fulfilling everything I had imagined it would. And in many ways those reasons are true. But equally true is my belief that I don't deserve success and that I don't deserve to be happy and that I am fearful that if I do well at something for a while that failure is inevitable. I also have the irrational worry that the more successful I am as a person by society's standards, the less people will just like me for who I am and the more they will simply like me (and use me) for what I am able to do.

This plays out in a lot of ways in my life...in my relationships, in my professional goals, in my hopes and dreams, in my self. It sneaks up on me and I make decisions and act on them before I realize that I'm only doing it to sabotage the many good things in my life and not because the decision is actually what is in my best interest or what I want long-term. I'm working with a therapist and I am learning ways to both accept the idea that I do deserve good things and to recognize the early signs of negative self talk and eventual sabotage so that I can prevent them but I've found this to be one of the harder things to cope with, detect, and prevent. Just thought I'd share here since some of you may experience similar things. Thanks for reading!

[justdom]

Hi Marshmallow, welcome to the forum, and congrats on your diagnosis! I know that may sound weird, but I think that knowing that someone IS wrong, and it having a name can feel a lot more comforting than wondering if maybe it's all in your head.

I was the same myself, and it's a struggle I have now that when anything good comes my way or when someone compliments me on something to not trash it, or look for a reason why I don't deserve it. I've been able to link it to my family of origin and that if I was better, they'd love me. It's taken a few years of therapy, but I've learned to recognise the signs for me, and most importantly, to PAUSE. I don't know about you, but the sabotage feels like a developing tornado, and it will suck up everything and destroy it. By pausing, and even sitting with the feeling, I've been able to see what's behind the whirlwind. I don't always get it right, but It's be easier to put the safety back on the gun before I shoot myself in the foot.

I'm glad you working on it in therapy. Keep going, reach out to people you trust, and we're rooting for you. I know I am!

justdom